I am what I am and that’s all that I am

(song: Please Please Like Me)

…so I was cleaning out some old junk files on my computer and found a page labeled why am I different? I had no idea what I would find there…a blog post I had liked and then a series of numbers that I no longer remember what they mean could be a likely scenario or something even more random…I do occasionally copy and paste random things that I find and like or need to remember into word and just save as whatever the first thing was and then over time the document sits there and the original note to self is no longer then, long since replaced many times with other notes but the document still bears the same name until I get rid of it…anyway, what I actually found was a story very similar to my timeline post…so here is a possibly shorter/just a slightly different version of my life story 🙂

Why am I different:

Starting in elementary school I was bullied a lot. In elementary school the strategy was to keep me away from the bullies as much as possible, but by middle school I just had to learn to deal with it. I learned the b-word was bad because I used it one day—how was I supposed to know it was any worse than stupid-head? I was bullied until partway through ninth grade when people started being really nice to me so that they could ask me to be their partner for group projects because I would do all the work.

August 10, 2008 my family abruptly changed churches, and I did not take that very well. It pulled me away from everything that I knew and had planned on, and I was crying every week for months. I still have trouble thinking about it, but I can see positives now.

March 3, 2009 I started trying to stop hurting myself. I finally did hurt myself for the last time on April 10, 2009! Success! Until my senior year of high school when I realized that I had started inching towards anorexia nervosa. Luckily I realized that in time that I do not believe I was ever fully anorexic.

January 17, 2011 I was accused by a friend of being suicidal. I was most definitely not suicidal, and I am pretty sure that she knew it. Her goal was to get me to tell my parents about my former self-injury. She was not successful at that time, and had she been patient she would have found out in a few more days that I was considering telling my parents in April—and I decided to follow through and tell them in April anyway which was terrifying, but probably the right thing to do.

Because of all these things, there were a few people in my life who had been pushing me to try counseling, so at the beginning of my first year of college I tried out counseling once so that I could say that I had done it—and didn’t know how to get out once I was in so I continued, and now I am still in counseling—but by my own choice. That first year my counselor talked to me a lot about social anxiety, and that seemed to fit considering my fear and avoidance of social situations. I am no longer fully certain that I have this one though—it is still a definite possibility, but it is not for sure a category I fall into.

People had suggested that I may be OCD a few times, but I had either not taken the hint or not really believed them until my roommate got sick first year and I fled my room only returning to sleep, and washing my hands so much that they were bleeding. I tried to bring that up with my counselor first year, but I didn’t have the communication skills to get past that my friend said that I might have OCD. Second year I tried again, and during at the beginning of second semester it became clear that I most likely had OCD and needed to pay some attention to that.

This year I found out that I may have mild autism. At first I was not so sure, but after some time to think I found myself agreeing with that idea. I can make decent relationships with people older or younger than I am but really struggle to know how to interact with people my own age. I do struggle in social situations, but the reason has more to do with feeling like I don’t know what is expected of me than being embarrassed. I do have fear of making other people feel uncomfortable which is actually the Japanese form of social anxiety, but my primary fear is that I do not know what to say which I think falls more into autism. That might also explain why I am a 21-year-old who still has temper tantrums on occasion.

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