Sometimes I am not sure what the best is though. Sometimes there are so many conflicting ideas in my head about what is best. Right now I am trying to decide if it is best for me to go to the disciple-making overnight that has replaced the leader’s overnight this year.
I have decided that this semester I really want to be nice to myself. This does not mean, however, that I want to enable myself to hide away inside myself and shut the rest of the world out all the time. I do want to continue to challenge myself, and hopefully make good progress on overcoming some of my germ and social issues. These decisions came about because of the grades I got last semester that I did not like. Looking back on the semester, it seems that what was really hindering my academics was not necessarily the difficulty of the subject but rather my mental status. Part of that I will admit is just that I really do not believe in myself a lot of the time, choosing to believe instead the lie that I can’t do it and am not good enough and it is too hard. The bigger part is that when your mind is completely focused on a non-academic aspect of your life that seems to be crushing you, it is quite difficult to find the energy to really focus on and even sometimes to find motivation for academic-related endeavors. I am holding my grades in open hands this semester–I know that God can give me the grades I hope for or choose to let me learn to accept lower grades. Last semester I help my grades in a closed fist. I didn’t really see it then, but I was fighting God for possession of my grades. I wanted good grades and I felt God trying to pull those grades out of my hands and fought against it. Of course God, being God, successfully wrestled the grades away from me. It was frustrating. It was really frustrating, but God didn’t take them and leave, he stayed to help me understand that my worth was not dependent on my grades. For so long I have felt like there was nothing I was good at, nothing I could find success in. The only thing I was ever successful at was earning good grades. It felt like God was taking back the only thing he had given me and I didn’t have anything left. I wish I could say that now I no longer care what my grades are, and I know God has a plan for my life though I haven’t a clue what that plan is…that first part of the sentence though is not true. I do still plan to strive for good grades, but I want to not be so attached to them that God has to wrestle them from my grasp.
Okay, that went off track a little…so anyway, I know that avoiding anything that could be hard and making myself feel 100% safe 100% of the time ultimately will not help me. As much as I would love it at first, it would quickly become a prison. In regards to my germ issues, I kind of went there the winter of second semester and was spending far too much time washing my hands. In terms of social situations, while sometimes I definitely do need some alone time to process my thoughts, I do need people. As hard as it can be sometimes to be with people, I cannot live life alone. I crave friendship the same way other people do, but the barriers that I face make it harder to access it.
So how does that relate to the overnight? Well I would love to go to the overnight, because I know that it is what people expect of me, and also because I feel like I should be there. I also know that in theory it is good for me to spend a weekend with other believers. I know I have been to other overnights before and it is getting easier, but it still is a rather difficult thing for me to do. If the overnight had been this weekend, I would not have hesitated to sign up, because the reasons to go would have had precedence over the reasons not to go, however, with it being next weekend not only is it a bit of a stressful experience, but it is a stressful experience tacked onto the end of the first week of classes. The first and last few weeks of a school year tend to be the most difficult for me to cope with. At that point in the semester I am feeling especially overwhelmed, so adding on an overnight that will add to the stress in addition to taking away study time is a difficult proposition. Additionally, these things tend to not involve a lot of sleeping, so it does not exactly make for a great start to the semester to get sleep deprived over the first weekend.
Trying to work out the best in this situation is really challenging me. I would love to attend the overnight, but at the same time, attending is the last thing that I want to do.