How Can I Stand Here With You and Not be Moved by You

(Everything–Lifehouse)

I am my own worst critic, and I know this, but so often I expect to be judged harshly by other people as well…maybe this is a learned response because I was bullied a lot starting in elementary school and lasting through 9th grade, so I just expected to be made fun of for no reason so any mistake would be grounds for further humiliation…and I guess to some extent I still do get teased, but a lot of it I have learned to put myself down before anyone else can. It doesn’t hurt as much if you yell at yourself before anyone else gets a chance to yell at you. If I am alone, I will verbally tear myself apart over even such minor mistakes as leaving a pan on the burner too long causing there to be a lower water content in the food causing it to take an extra 10 seconds in the microwave to heat up…and it’s a good thing that I mostly only do it when I am alone or I would have been sent to the looney bin a long time ago…especially because in between berating myself for these flaws, I will tell myself to shut up and be nice and start alternating between berating myself for the perceived flaw and berating myself for berating myself…really funny to be interrupted and take a step back and realize what I am doing…

Sometimes I am genuinely surprised when the response I get from someone is not telling me what a horrible person I am, but rather letting me know that they care and understand why the mistake or negative action happened. While I am still condemning myself, the person I expect to condemn me even worse has already forgiven me and moved on…and you know what, not only do other humans do that, but God does as well. That’s pretty awesome that stupid, screwed-up, can’t do anything right me is considered completely forgiven and totally perfect just the way I am by the one who can do no wrong. I am amazed when fellow earthlings do not condemn me, but how much more awesome is it that God doesn’t harbor negative feelings against me for all the mistakes I have made.

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