Sometimes I make bad choices…like yesterday morning when I decided it would be a good idea to write all over my arm in red and black sharpie and flare pen…stuff like “bad girl” “failure” “grow up” “I hate you” “stop it” “stupid” “please just study”…oops…well I wasn’t going to give myself the pleasure of scrubbing my skin or using chemicals to get it off seeing as how that would basically be rewarding and reinforcing bad behavior so I had a quick wardrobe change to a long sleeved shirt that would definitely cover up the marker…reminded me of the song “When She Cries” by Britt Nicole…I thought I was wearing a shirt very similar to the one the girl in the music video is wearing, but then I realized the girl I was picturing is from the Headphones music video…similar song though…but anyway yeah…
“Pulling down her long sleeves
To cover all the memories the [marker] leave[s]
She says maybe making me bleed
would be the answer that could wash the slate clean
but everyday’s the same
she fights to find her way
she hurts she breaks she hides and tries to pray
she wonders Why?
Does anyone ever here her when she cries?
Everyone’s laughing and she can’t seem to smile
they never get past arm’s length
How could they act like everything is alright?
She’ll be just fine
because I know He hears her
when she cries”
Sometimes I am fighting all day to get through the next minute. Going back to self-injury seems tempting–it would certainly help to dull the pain, but I know that it is not the right thing to do so I keep fighting and try to hide it and be strong. I feel so alone, but can’t let anyone in. Everyone expects me to be brave, but I don’t feel brave, not on the inside and not on the outside. I want to enjoy the things other people do but I just can’t…but it’s going to be okay. God hears my cries for help, and he knows that everything will turn out according to his great plan even if it seems like I am drowning deeper and deeper.
It is okay not to be brave. Like the Mary-Kate and Ashley song Bravery, “I’m always prepared and when I’m still scared I get my mom…And if I’m still scared and mom isn’t there, there’s always dad.” Sometimes when the fear is tormenting me it is okay to let people know how much it hurts.