It’s Your Life What’cha Gonna Do

(It’s Your Life–Francesca Battistelli)

Oh my…I have been fighting for my life nearly figuratively, but also almost literally lately. I have gotten really really anxious about germs before and definitely have had difficulty eating before, and actually it is difficult to at least some extent nearly all the time, but for the first time, I have not only had difficulty eating but completely refused to eat pretty much all day on Wednesday. I tried. I tried really hard, but I couldn’t do it…and of course drinking anything seems to go first, so I also wasn’t drinking anything.

My life belongs to me. It does not belong to the OCD that is trying to take my life captive. I guess I should back up and say that if you haven’t been around long enough to figure it out, I am extremely germophobic, or more specifically emetophobia is a huge issue for me…and I slept over with my friend on Tuesday night. I was looking for just a little bit of challenge to make up for some challenges I had decided not to do earlier in the week, but I got a lot more than I planned on. My friend woke up in the night vomiting. Yes, she SLEPT NEXT TO ME then THREW UP NEXT TO MY THINGS. Extremely close to the worst I could possibly imagine (the worst being getting thrown up on and accused of being suicidal all at the same time). So yeah, it really sucks, because I was getting really close to caught up too before this happened. But it’s MY LIFE. I will get my at school best friend back. I will get used to living life.

On the positive side, I was really upset that one of my classes had been cancelled again on Tuesday (and at the last minute again), and Wednesday morning I didn’t even remember that had happened until I saw what I had posted on facebook the day before…

Also, some people go through life and eating lunch is a form of taking a break from the huge things they are accomplishing in life. Today, eating lunch was a HUGE SUCCESS! I started with technically a ten minute limit with my counselor. I was crying it was so hard and even though I really wanted a drink I kept refusing that…twenty minutes later I still wasn’t done and had to leave. I had almost an hour left before I needed to be in class. It took almost that whole hour, but I. finished. lunch. That was my wildly successful moment of the day…had the problem not been that I couldn’t eat I would have celebrated with some sour patch kids and skittles, however the problem in the first place was that I couldn’t get anything in my mouth, so the idea of eating food without necessary nutrients was pure torture so obviously I wasn’t going to do that. I still am not drinking anything, but I have spent a long time standing in front of the sink that feels safe enough to drink from trying really hard to coerce myself into doing it. I still haven’t done it. I have gone almost a week on a few occasions without drinking, but if I can’t drink anything, day 3 is usually when I start insanely craving anything with moisture…and from there it just gets more and more frustrating that I am so thirsty but can’t drink anything. I know that I need water, but it is so hard to drink it. I really want to conquer this and get a drink. At my apartment I have various forms of sprite, and I am really hoping that if I water it down the way I like it that I will be able to coerce myself to get a little fluid in tonight. I also really want to be able to eat. I think I can, but I know that getting every bite to my mouth is going to be a battle.

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