I say yes

yes

Can I just say yes…

I found this picture a few days ago, and just said “yes.” On Thursday in particular there were a few hours that were awful because I desperately wanted hand sanitizer…more than I wanted water or food I wanted hand sanitizer, and usually hand sanitizer is something I will let myself have when I am in crisis like that…anything to just make it a few more seconds/minutes/hours/days…but I had seen Alyssa in the hallway and I. could. not. go. down. the. hallway. I considered going the long way to the hand sanitizer but realized if I did that I had no way to get back to my stuff unless I either used the elevator (YIKES!!!!! NO WAY!!!!! Sick people use the elevator, therefore I do not. This girl will take the stairs please.) or waited awkwardly in hopes of someone happening to be going down the hallway and stopping to let me in…yeah, crazy when germ issues keep me from even getting to the hand sanitizer…I tried washing my hands in water as hot as I could get it but after walking back and forth to the sink and washing my hands about ten times it wasn’t really working. I still wanted hand sanitizer and wanted it now…It was awful…

And on that note, I will also add that I am doing a lot better. I am eating both at school and at home though both places it is a little more complicated and stressful process than it used to be. I am also not too worried about drinking at my apartment. Actually, today I got comfortable enough with it that I started drinking constantly in an effort to water down the germs I probably took in by the cleaning I did this morning and all the other ways that I have taken in germs…umm yeah, after realizing how annoying it was to be getting up so often to use the bathroom that combined with my anxiety-induced lack of ability to transition/focus I was getting nothing done I worked on moderation…a little extra water to ease fear is okay. Re-filling my water bottle five times in half an hour on the other hand is not so okay…I am not drinking anything at school yet, but if I can continue eating both at home and at school and drinking at home, I am not overly concerned. I know eventually I will give in and get used to it again; I always have recovered to at least an outwardly-normal level. Though hopefully I will be able to do it on my own before then, if I am still not drinking at school by next Monday when Michelle comes back we’ll work on that. Either way, I will not be conquered. Me and God are stronger than OCD.

Advertisements

Care to share your thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s