I do not wanna be afraid

(Cut–Plumb)

Because that is just the way my luck has been lately, I was finally willing to almost re-integrate with the real world…and then I logged into facebook…and someone posted that he had ordered at Ruby Tuesday then proceeded to vomit for 15 minutes in the restroom and they were really nice refunding his meal but sending it home with him…

I hate OCD so much. This is someone I haven’t seen in person since last summer, someone who is currently around 500 or so miles away from me. Obviously I am no more at risk after reading about it than I would have been had I not known–but my OCD doesn’t understand that. I am fighting it, but my OCD wants to put me back into full-on protect yourself the world is dangerous crisis mode. Yes, it is extremely scary that not only is a stomach bug going around but that it can make a person go from just fine going out to eat to insane vomiting in a matter of minutes. Yes, any stomach bug scares me a lot. Yes, the germs can very easily be transported from Apple Valley (~15 miles to the airport) to my current city of residence (airport located within my city), and yes there already is a stomach bug in the area on my radar that has been making it really hard for me to see my best friend…but everyone else in the world is still going on with life…and I am freaking out…

I am mostly eating normally except I haven’t been having dinner at school, and I am drinking at my apartment though I still can’t drink at school…but now I am really struggling to get myself to drink anything right now sitting in my apartment. I am so terrified of getting sick. I just want this to end. I hate fighting every day just to get food and water into my mouth. I am tired of living in fear. I am terrified of getting sick. I know that not eating and drinking will weaken my body which means decreased immune function, but try convincing my OCD-ravaged mind that it is safer to open my mouth and ingest food that might be introducing germs into my body than to deprive myself of food and water…I hate fighting this battle everyday and I want to quit. I want to give up. Unfortunately, in this battle there is no giving up. There is no such thing as a day off. This battle is my life, but I really do not want to let this battle take my life.

Oh, and if you are a praying kind of person, prayers would be greatly appreciated for both physical and mental health…and my academics which are not getting nearly as much attention as they deserve as I focus on the battle in front of me.

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2 thoughts on “I do not wanna be afraid

  1. Hi… drifted onto your site from inCourage, just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you this morning. May Jesus give you strength and health both in your body and in your mind, and may you know His Love today and this whole week!
    oh, by the way, I love Plumb đŸ™‚
    Take care,
    Elizabeth

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