I heard an awesome presentation on Jonah and the whale by a couple of my friends last week. I feel like if God directly told me to do something I would do it, but what he says is not so direct…but what if that is what God was doing with Jonah. Do we know that God spoke out loud and directly to Jonah, or were these directions just a thought kinda playing around in Jonah’s mind that he was scared of so came up with a way to ensure that wouldn’t be what he was supposed to do…What if the thoughts in my head are really directions from God and the reason a lot of things have not been going well lately is that I haven’t followed directions?
This semester I wanted to be really focused on school, and also use some of my time to really conquer some of my challenges. Well the very first day of school my plans were challenged when my first class was cancelled ten minutes before it was supposed to start. I cried and tried to calm myself down. Then that same class was cancelled–again 10 minutes before class started. In between those things I also had sat on and touched the bathroom floor and then been told someone had vomited in there…so that happened…so yeah…the day that class got cancelled the second time I slept over with my friend for a little challenge since I felt like I was failing at everything else and this was something I could be successful at. Well, my friend started vomiting in the morning…a little more challenge than I planned on. So a couple weeks later I was getting pretty close to at least a normal exterior to my life when I found out someone had thrown up for 15 minutes in a restaurant bathroom back home…I struggled but was determined to not let it set me back too far…About a week later I found out my counselor’s husband was sick…so now the germs were striking again and even closer to home…then a week after that the girl I sit next to in two of my classes messaged me that she was sick…at this point I was so determined not to let this affect me so much because I was feeling so squashed and defeated from living in fear for so long that I managed to pull through that so that I was only avoiding germs extra for that day then was pretty close to normal besides the fear…Oh, but that wasn’t enough either…last night I found out from Lori at church that we might have a snow day tomorrow…and then this morning I found out that the case that I spent Friday night and most of Saturday working on the teachers decided we didn’t have to do anymore…and that the other thing I’d really been focusing on this weekend, studying for a biochem exam, was useless too because the exam was being postponed…at least that studying is something transferable to later when I do have to take the exam though…oh, and the list of the stuff life has been throwing at me wouldn’t be complete without acknowledgement of the nastygram I received on facebook this morning.
So yeah, this semester has been not so good. I can’t help but wonder if God has thought that I put too much value on my grades. I was really upset last semester that my grades weren’t so good because of stress and I was going to do better this semester, but it hasn’t worked out that way yet. Is the reason so much junk has happened because I didn’t listen and I continued to value my grades? Also, last night was baptism at my church. I haven’t been baptized. When I was around eight years old I decided that for my birthday I wanted to go to a baptism class with my brothers. They ended up getting baptized but when I found out that we would need to share our story, I was no longer interested…as it turns out they decided that kids didn’t have to share if they didn’t want to, but I didn’t find this out until years later…I was out when I refused to write my story. After that I felt that I had gotten too old to be baptized and would be really embarrassed to do it. Since then I have felt that with the story that I have of God helping me to find my voice that perhaps I may be able to use that and eventually feel ready to do it, but right now the germs are also an issue. Last night I felt that I really did have the social ability to finally do it, but the germs were standing in my way. I know that my germ fear is holding me back and I want free of it, but I couldn’t overcome that to just do the baptism thing I mean I had other reasons, like clothes that had just been washed and the fact that I was wearing contacts and stuff, but really I knew that the fear of germs needed to stop holding me back.
I can’t help but wonder if God is punishing me for valuing my grades too much and for not getting baptized by throwing these obstacles into my life in hopes that I will get the idea…I wish God would be a lot more direct with me. I am really struggling right now. I absolutely hate my school. I never intended to go to this school, but have usually been able to say that despite a few challenges that it has been a good place for me, but at this point I feel SO angry at my school and while I am not ready to throw the effort I have invested so far and start over somewhere else, I am really upset. Is this anger really their fault though, or did I bring it on myself by not being a good enough Christian?
And with that I need to get some studying done because school isn’t going to wait while I have a pity-party over here, and now that I’ve stopped crying I will actually be able to see what I ma trying to study 🙂