You hear the music play but you can’t sing

(Broken Girl–Matthew West)

Broken girl is a song that has resonated with my heart for various reasons this whole semester…a lot has been going on…

Look what he’s done to you, it isn’t fair. Your light was bright and new but he didn’t care. He took the heart of a little girl, and made it grow up too fast. Now words like innocence don’t mean a thing. You hear the music play but you can’t sing. Those pictures in your mind keep you locked up inside your past. This is a song for the broken girl, the one pushed aside by the cold, cold world, you are, hear me when I say: You’re not the worthless they made you feel. There is a love they can never steal away. You don’t have to stay the broken girl. Those damaged goods you see in your reflection, Love sees them differently, Love sees perfection, a beautiful display of healing on the way tonight, tonight. Let your tears touch the ground. Lay all your shattered pieces down, and be amazed by how grace can take a broken girl and put her back together again.

Oh my, I just want to soak in those lyrics. I have felt so broken and torn down in so many ways and for so long this semester. Some of it has been things outside myself, but the one I want to talk about right now is OCD. I just want to be me and have fun and love life every day, but OCD has made me need to think ahead to the consequences and what-if’s of my actions. My carefree heart has taken on responsibility beyond my years to force food and water into a girl fighting against it. I see all the things I want so badly, but can’t have. The fear telling me something bad might happen keeps me trapped in my self-made prison looking in on the world of normalcy where people are not tormented by fear day in and day out.

OCD might make me feel like I am not good enough, but I am not letting myself stay marginalized and helpless at the bottom of the pit. My God of Love values me the way that I am. He doesn’t see hopeless waste of space that can’t do anything right. If I can let go and stop trying to hold the shattered pieces of my life together, he wants to work through me to put it back together and make me whole again.

When I started writing this post it was intended to be a really hopeful post…the past few days I have been struggling and really feel more in the mood to post this as a Debbie Downer post, so I am going to stop here before I let myself loose to write about how badly things are going.

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