Before I get too far I feel the need to put out a disclaimer. This post has the potential to be very negative. Because of something that happened in my past I like to be extremely cautious when sharing anything negative. This is something on my heart that I want to write about right now, and yeah, part of the reason I am blogging is because I promised myself no more getting up for at least another half hour and my notebook is no where near me…but I need you to know that I am not, nor have I ever been suicidal. I am not going to lie, sugar coat things, or misrepresent myself, I will admit that at times I have been at the boundary of suicidal and not suicidal not too worried about accidentally falling over the line, but right now I am no where near that line. I may act dangerously because the adrenaline helps me regulate my anxiety, but the dangerous behavior is not in any way intended to harm myself.
Okay, so enough with the disclaimer 🙂
I wanted to write a post about what it is like living with OCD. I wanted to share the pain, but I also wanted to share the joy. The past few days though have left me feeling very defeated. Right now I wish I could say I wouldn’t believe someone who told me I’d never be able to live normally, but honestly right now I’d have trouble believing anyone who thought I would one day be able to put this behind me.
There are many times that I pray for God to take me away. I would honestly rather not live some days. I feel like my life is so unredeemable that it is not worth asking God to fix it…and sometimes I wonder if I even believe if it is possible for him to fix it anymore. In my head it is hard to see that there could be any resolution to the problems I am facing and the pain I am feeling besides just escaping this life.
So what triggered this particular episode?…Well, I had my counselor over to my apartment. She was touching things and I was getting anxious, but it really wasn’t a big deal. I am used to being challenged. It is really hard, but I get over it and know it is what I need to do to fight OCD. Except that I am usually really good at hiding how much pain I am in whether physical or psychological. And I have started feeling safer with my counselor and when I feel safer with someone it gets harder to hide how I am feeling. And she had just finished telling me she felt ?????left-out????? because she hasn’t seen me cry, but my best friend at school has. And I decided it was okay to let go and cry in front of her. I guess she never realized how hard things have been for me, because when she saw me start crying she told me to clean after she left. And I felt like a huge failure. The whole point in having her over was to get my apartment dirty and not clean it, but I immediately cleaned it. And my grades are awful and I feel like there is no hope in fixing those. And I practiced so many times in my head how to be a good hostess but I couldn’t even say hi, and when we walked in I immediately walked away from her and left the room…yeah, things weren’t going so well. I was so upset that I had failed that I cried most of the day…and the next day…okay fine, and on and off the day after that which is where I am now…Today my counselor came back because I really needed some kind of success to pull out of this. We didn’t do a lot of contamination, but she pointed out that even just allowing anyone into my apartment was evidence of progress, and I made a phone call. Not one that was supposed to be overly difficult, but something that I could count as a success. I didn’t do a very good job, but I got through it…which sometimes getting words out of my mouth is a success in itself. Thankfully having some sort of success pulled me off the floor of the pit I was in so that I could see that I wasn’t trapped in there. I am still pretty upset with myself, but life goes on. Maybe I will fail my classes, maybe I am not so good at ERP, and maybe I will never be able to use my words, but I can survive…and maybe one day I will again believe that I will reach my goals.
On a week when just getting showering and putting on clothes in the morning takes an hour it is hard to believe life will ever be easy for me the way it is for everyone else. It is really hard for me to see people navigating the world without even finding it difficult when for me so much of life is a challenging feat that I must work hard to pull off. Sometimes I just want to say “Yeah, that thing you want try might not be that hard, but at the end of the day if we think about my energy as currency, even if what you want me to try only requires one cent and I have that one cent, if I give it to you for that activity I may not have the last cent I need at the end of the day, and it isn’t a sustainable practice to continually borrow against the next day even if it is “only one cent.”