Alternatively titled: What if my blessing comes from raindrops, what if my healing comes through tears?
Sometimes I find success when I least expect it. When I feel like I am on top of the world, can conquer anything, that is a great success, but sometimes success comes wrapped differently. Sometimes success comes when I am tripping and falling into my pit again.
Over the past few days I kept thinking I was hearing people talk about stomach flu. I was struggling a little, but it was SO successful that I was able to use uncertainty to my advantage and manage to not fully go into crisis mode. Oh my, I was so excited about that! Yeah, I was a bit anxious, not really completely normal, but I was not in full on panic get me out of here the entire world is trying to kill me mode either. The fact that I could at least outwardly stay pretty normal was HUGE! So exciting.
On Wednesday one of the few people who doesn’t know that germs are a huge issue for me casually mentioned that someone was not around because she was puking…umm thanks for that…at that point I could no longer use uncertainty to my advantage and I despite my best efforts was slipping quickly into crisis mode. It was interesting looking at my journal because over the course of maybe half a page I had gone from writing that I was really stressed out but I wasn’t going to fall into crisis mode to writing that I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t drinking and I wasn’t eating and nothing could change that…So I was drowning in anxiety. All I could do was rock and try to calm myself. I finally got myself to write an email asking to be told to eat b/c I was pretty sure I could do it for someone else. I got an email back requiring me to eat and drink. I was so frustrated, but as it turned out that was a good thing. Combine my stubborn-ness to my desire to please people, and I was determined to do whatever it took to succeed.
I ate lunch and then went to patho where we were learning about infectious disease. That totally could have been a lecture that threw me further into crisis, but I got lucky and it was more about how our bodies are designed to resist disease. It was really good and what finally allowed me to start calming down. The ability to go from complete crisis mode to being willing to cautiously drink that evening while I was STILL AT SCHOOL was a HUGE success. I wouldn’t have even imagined that had anyone suggested last year that I would be doing that this year. That was amazing…I still am pretty anxious; it certainly didn’t cure my OCD, but I am now running at a much more manageable level of anxiety. As of this morning with proper nutrition and hydration I am able to actually do real studying. I am definitely not at 100%, but I am doing pretty well, and I am happy with this. I may have OCD, but OCD doesn’t have me!
“A breakthrough is coming, coming for me. ‘Cause my heart was made to fly, destiny can’t be denied. I can’t wait ’cause I am overdue for a breakthrough.”