10-minute Sunday

I feel like I’ve been neglecting my blog, so I’m going to devote the next ten minutes to posting whatever I can get through in ten minutes…ready…set…GO!

So Friday I finally made it 5 years SI free! Oh my, it sure was tough getting there. About two weeks in advance I was already feeling the extra tension, and when the Monday before I got three bad grades back, that was the last straw that threw me from really really struggling into full on crisis mode. I caught myself repeatedly with my hands poised mid-way through the action to hurt myself, stopping myself just before I inflicted pain. It is really scary living that way, because you always worry the next time you will catch yourself too late.

HUGE success: I was able to contact my counselor and ask for help. Even bigger success: I was so worried about staying SI free and therefore so desperate for any possible way to get there that I didn’t even include any phrase to indicate that I didn’t feel like I deserved help…I felt that way, but I didn’t include it.

Also, Friday afternoon I emailed my parents to tell them everything…That was really scary…and I should have checked my phone first…I did it a few hours before class so I wouldn’t be making myself super anxious right after getting to Karis House and probably talking about how awesome I was doing due to the SI anniversary…well there was actually a text on my phone that I saw after sending the email that I was not needed at Karis House…so yeah, looking back, perhaps getting extremely anxious and unable to study an hour before class is not the best way to feel confident on a difficult quiz…oh, and my parent’s response was basically just to acknowledge receipt…

I am really anxious because this week is room checks at my apartment. I have been cleaning too much today because I am afraid they won’t think my apartment is clean enough. I know they know someone lives here and they probably don’t expect perfection, but I don’t really know what “clean” looks like to them…I took out my trash today…didn’t plan on doing that until the end of the semester, but when faced with a $100 fee for not doing it…also, I have no idea how to make my air conditioner look good. It just seems so dirty, but I am not sure how to clean it better…chances are it is totally fine, and if not they only charge me $10 to clean it for me, but I don’t want to inconvenience them, and it doesn’t seem clean enough to me…and me ten minutes were up 2 minutes ago…

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