And you can do anything you want to do

(You’ve Got the Power–Super Why)

My life has felt like it was falling apart over the past 72 hours. I am not ready to fully write about it yet…maybe I won’t ever choose to write about it, but what I would like to write about is how amazing it is to have someone believe in me. I finally started feeling confident again after going on crisis chat and having a counselor on there who skipped over my original problem to focus on problem number two. Problem number one had to do with phones and I was probably going to let go of that soon because I’d made it two days at that point without a phone so who needs a phone anyway?! Problem number two had to do with my (former?) counselor. After promising it wouldn’t happen, she is no longer going to be working with me and beyond that she is forbidding me from working with any other counselor at school. Could the counselor I was chatting with actually do anything about the situation? No, but she confirmed that I did have a really good relationship with my counselor and it was unfortunate and confusing that it was ending, but sometimes there are counselors who are having a bad day and make choices that can hurt. I can’t really express exactly what it was about what she said and how she said it, but I am so appreciative of her time to talk to me until I was ready to log off.

She reminded me, not through her words but through her caring, that I can do anything I want to do. I can’t control other people and their actions, but I can help myself. This morning I started inching myself out of the protective shell I’d pushed myself into and wrote a more refined email to my counselor, and I can now believe in myself that even if she won’t tell me why and won’t take me back that I have the power to help myself. I am now doing so much better with everything.

I made a poor choice yesterday and didn’t wear sunscreen and as a result have magenta blistering arms and hands, and red pealing legs, and as a result will be doing my best to stay inside for a while even though I am finally feeling well enough to go ride my bike, but I am not counting this as a lapse in self-harm because honestly I was so far gone at the time I left that I wasn’t really thinking about the pain it would cause, and while at some point I did start to worry about it I was not thinking clearly enough to realize that I was going to burn or how bad it would be. Because I have been inside but doing better and therefore having a lot of energy I want to burn off I had a one-girl dance party in my basement–I am so out-of-shape but it was so much fun until I just got too tired (after about 2 minutes)…and I’ve been reading blogs, and laughing so hard…for example, this from momnos.blogspot.com

Nurse (taking health history): Bud, does anyone smoke in your house?

Bud: Actually, I live in an apartment right now.

Nurse: Oh, that’s okay.

Bud: Yeah, it’s great.

Nurse waits. Bud returns to his book.

Nurse: So, Bud, is there any smoking where you live?

Bud: Well…

Nurse waits. Bud thinks.

Bud: Well…

Nurse waits some more. Bud thinks some more.

Bud: Well, one time someone burned some brownies.

Oh, and my decision on counseling? If Michelle changes her mind like last time I will work with her again. If not, I will most likely be done. It will be nice to have the hours back that I spend every week preparing for, going to, and calming down from counseling every week. It would be nice to continue to work on things and I am not sure that things like Cru leadership which have made allowances for me due to the fact that I am working on things in counseling will continue to accept me if I am no longer in counseling, but I will cross that bridge when I come to it. If it becomes a problem I will look into every other week lay counseling at Karis House, and other than that I am pretty sure I can handle things on my own. I would not be so quick to just work on my own if I were still where I was a few months ago, but I have made so much progress that I now feel comfortable trying this, and if a huge thing does come up, I can always turn to crisis chat again if I need it and know a caring person on the other side of the computer will be there for me.

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