Love like I’m not scared, Give when it’s not fair

(Fix my eyes–of Town and Country)

So yeah, I finally accepted the new phone enough to accept looking for a case…the way to my heart truly is through my stomach…frequent trips to Jamba Juice have made it worth it to me to accept the phone, and I guess also it helps that I completely ran out of brain power…not much else can explain why I thought it was okay to go outside without sunscreen and didn’t really realize I was burning last week, or exactly how I thought locking someone out of their email account would make them email me back faster…just going to say about that last one that it was a really stupid decision to even attempt to do that and I don’t know what I was thinking, and am not sure I really even expected my actions to have an effect anyway…so yeah, the way to my heart–that’s probably why I was so quick to welcome Brity into my circle–the first time I met her she had a bunch of fruit rollups and gave me a bag and said I could have as many as I wanted…

And that brings me closer to what I wanted to talk about because I am talking about counseling…

I called Mchel today. Surprisingly, she didn’t try to argue with me. That kind of threw me off a bit because I expected to have to argue with her to try to get her to talk to me. It felt really good to finally get some answers after a week of being completely in the dark as to what was going on. I didn’t push for details because I was still terrified of being yelled at, but it was good to at least get a sense of what was going on. I started getting anxious and while I wanted more answers I just couldn’t really participate in the conversation anymore which wasn’t going to be very effective in earning me the answers I so desired, so I let the conversation end. As soon as it was over and the anxiety had gone down I was really upset with myself for not asking more questions, but after looking at my list of questions I realized that a lot of them I was really only asking because I was frustrated and I really wasn’t invested in the answer to some of those questions, and pointing out inconsistencies was not going to build my case. There were some things brought up in the conversation that I felt that I ought to respond to, and one more statement that I ought to have introduced though, so tomorrow I try again…she should probably know to stop trying to shove SLBMI down my throat since I have no intention of going anywhere else, much less SLBMI. Although I am probably getting new insurance that has the possibility of covering it starting in January, that does not change my opinion on the matter right now…I was trying to avoid Tuesday because it will be Kateryna’s first day and I wanted Mchel to be available for Kateryna if she had any questions, but I have realized that I do not have the endurance on the phone to last long enough to really pull Mchel out of commission very long anyway, and besides that, Kateryna is an adult and can probably take care of herself without Michelle. So yeah, I haven’t decided on a time yet, but I will call again tomorrow…and after not being yelled at earlier today, I am considering asking for a more gradual termination. Originally I was going to ask where Mchel was on the idea of taking me back and I wasn’t going to ask her to take me back but if she decided on that I was going to come back, but if not then I wasn’t going to ask. I have now decided that I am willing to look into options besides simply quitting, but not immediately, and I am much more interested in exploring those options and discussing the best option than I am interested in being kicked out of both my first choice and my back-up plan and being told what I am going to do next.

Also, I did not obsessively search this (success 🙂 ) but I did spend a couple minutes searching, and it felt really good to see that I wasn’t the only one feeling like my college’s approach to mental health was lacking…my situation seems to be a bit unique, but after reading other people’s horror stories, there are definitely ways this could be a lot worse…I read about a girl who was almost kicked out of her dorm room because someone found out she was cutting herself (I can’t imagine being in enough pain to have started hurting myself again and on top of that having to lie about it because if my counselor found out she’d have to tell housing staff and I’d no longer have a place to live), and about a boy who had just started a new medication and it had a strange side effect that caused him to accidentally take an overdose of another medication because he wasn’t aware of what he was doing and because he asked for medical help for that from the school they found out and kicked him out for the rest of the semester when he was totally fine after stopping the new medication and trying a different medication that worked better for him…Reading those things also made me want to be able to do something to fix the system and make people understand, but right now I don’t have any ideas for that, and even if I did I think there are probably a lot more important things for me to worry about at the moment…

If anyone sees this and has a couple seconds of prayer to spare, I’d appreciate it. I do not want to over-impose, but I really do feel like I need to talk over a few more things even if only to end on a successful note rather than on an anxiety-driven please get me off the phone right now orchestration. I would love prayer also that Michelle might reconsider and take me back, but I am not sure how realistic it is to hope for that, so a more realistic prayer might be that God’s will be done in the situation and he uses it to his glory…Thanks 🙂

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