(Good to be alive–Jason Gray)
I want to have an honest discussion here today, but it requires a disclaimer first. I promise I will not put my life in danger and I do not need intervention right now. I believe my God will take care of me, and this is a testament to my God’s protection over me; it is NOT a cry for help. Promise. KThx.
Okay, so I am very thankful that I was at home yesterday rather than at school. At school I know how I would kill myself if I decided I needed to. It would be easy, look accidental, and probably be effective. I know I probably shouldn’t admit this, but remember the disclaimer I just wrote please and don’t freak out. I promise I am okay.
I am a huge people-pleaser. Hearing the disappointment in someone’s voice can crush me…and it did a few days ago…and the worthlessness I felt just echoed through my mind but getting louder and louder rather than fading out…I felt that really the best choice for me would be to die because no one would care and I can’t do anything right anyway. I made a list of the people who would care and looked at my life insurance policy and decided they wouldn’t care that much because there weren’t many of them and plenty of money to go around as long as it did not look like a suicide attempt…really the biggest problem is that suicide is a crime and I really do NOT want to break any laws…but my judgement isn’t always very good, so to be honest there have been times walking to school from Lot B that I got somewhat close to getting myself killed on accident so it could happen without trying.
If I had been at school I may not be here today, but I was not at school. My God protected me, and let me make it until today. I still am crushed by my inability to make people happy. I still feel like a failure who does not deserve to be alive, but I know that my eternal Daddy cares for me deeply. He will NEVER let me down. He will never manipulate me or do anything to hurt me. He will protect me and ALWAYS has my best interests in mind.
I will choose brave. Someday God will invite me to my forever home in heaven, but until then I will continue to live my life here on Earth.
And just one final reminder that this is NOT a cry for help. I am doing okay right now, and trust my Savior to keep me safe. Please do not freak out. I share to express myself and possibly let others know they are not alone. Life ain’t always beautiful, and I don’t want to be a happy plastic person with scars to hide my weakness and smiles to hide my pain. (Gary Allen & Casting Crowns).
edited to add: And don’t worry, I will have created a safety plan before I come back to school…I know better than to just assume nothing bad will happen…especially after last spring semester in particular…