Were hearts made whole just to break?

(porcelain heart–barlowgirl)

This is one of the songs that has been on repeat on my computer for the past few weeks. A lot has been going on. I have amazing friends and an amazing God, but I am overwhelmed. I don’t want to go back to school. I used to have a lot of friends at school to look forward to seeing again, and I had a place to belong at school. It was a transition to go back, but it was ultimately a good thing because I’d get to see my friends again. Things have changed though. Besides the friends I lost to rotations, I am losing almost all the rest of my friends to a new rule. I know the rule is designed, in part, to protect me, but taking me away from the place I belonged, away from my friends, and away from the place I could help people and therefore taking away my identity is really hard. Also there are so many logistics that need to be worked out–in particular, girl needs to eat is a big one that will become a problem immediately. I don’t want to go back to school. At home I have friends and I belong. There are a few kiddos in the nursery who are very attached to me–I know that is bad since I will leave, but I can’t help it–and even if they aren’t my preferred age group, it feels good to be needed…and at home I still have places where I have authority, and that has pretty much been taken away from me at school. I know God has a plan for me and there has to be a reason he changed my plans to end up at the school I am at where things from the beginning have not been going so well. I may never know why, but I have to believe that God is going to fulfill his purpose through me–not just throw me here to break me over and over again.

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