Thank the Lord I am Here and Now

(Oh Honey: Be Okay)

This is a song one of my friends posted to facebook in May, and I fell in love with it! So much is going on in my life right now because of a situation at school…and on top of that I am on my community pharmacy rotation and a bit overwhelmed with getting the assignments done…so many of them require a lot more guidance from the pharmacists than I am getting, and hopefully I will get that when my preceptor comes back from her vacation, but in the mean time it is a bit concerning to me that I am a week in and not very far into my assignments…I was also given an additional assignment at my site that I am almost done with but trying to figure out if it would count as one of my assignments for school or if it just going to be an extra thing I did for this site…I think I am finding what I already knew to be true–community pharmacy is not for me, but I can’t really say I’ve given it a fair chance yet since I haven’t learned to use the computer, haven’t learned to use the phone, can just barely use the drivethru and cash register, and have really only been filling prescriptions though…

That being said, I don’t have much time to write, but was reflecting recently about where I am now compared to where I want to be and where I started to kind of think about what I want from this semester beyond the academics that are a given since I am still a student. I am amazed at how I have grown in the past few months. I believe I still have some growing to do as does everyone in the world, but I feel like after some rough times of believing that I’d never be good enough, never be able to be “like everyone else”–which has always been my goal despite my parents telling me it was a horribly low standard to set for myself…which I ignored since the “everyone else” I want to be like is not the bottom of the barrel, but rather the “everyone else” is more like the people I go to school with who are doing okay–I finally am feeling like not only is being “normal” within reach, but I am so close. I no longer feel like I am looking in on the world from the outside, forever separated by a wall of glass keeping me out. I have broken through the glass, and while it might seem dangerous, I can now reach out and touch the world I have longed to be a part of.

I still have some dysfunctional beliefs about germs, and probably am a bit overcautious and get scared a bit too easily, but I am not sure that at the moment I meet the criteria for OCD anymore. This is huge for me! I have recently heard that someone had been vomiting on more than one occasion within the same week and while was a bit anxious, was certainly not overwhelmed, and was able to go on with my day and be near that person as if nothing had happened. That would have never happened a few months ago when I was super overwhelmed and freaking out that a pregnant person had thrown up at home and because she had thrown up she was completely contaminated…and I have also shared a cup with someone, which I would argue is especially strong evidence that I am doing pretty well since most “normal” people would say that was a poor choice in terms of the likelihood of exchanging germs…I probably shouldn’t have done that one, especially since it was a child who I know had a rough infancy and as a result could very well be carrying some things that I might have wanted to think about before sharing a drink…but anyway, as I was saying, I still have some remnants of OCD, but I doubt that at this point any of it is taking more than an hour per day which is the diagnostic cut off, which means officially at the moment, I do not meet criteria for OCD…I still worry about germs, but it is not such a huge thing for me anymore…this is not to say that I would be totally okay if someone threw up next to me again–I am not sure it would necessarily send me into the level of crisis it did last semester, but it would very likely make me over cautious to some extent, but I think that is probably at least close to a normal response to an encounter like that depending on just how strongly I reacted to it, but just thinking about it right now, I am fairly certain that if I were in the situation again I would still throw out my water bottle and probably my pajama pants since they were so hole-y anyway, I think I would be able to eat, and probably be able to drink from the sink at school, and definitely be able to drink just fine at home…It is kind of painful to think about how far into crisis I went when that happened at the beginning of last semester…there may have been some less than ideal things about working with Mchel, but I definitely have grown, and most likely I would have put myself closer to the back burner if I hadn’t had forced accountability every week, so I have to credit some of the growth to her.

Socially I also have a success story to tell. Using the phone had been a huge barrier for me, and that was something that was only going to happen if I was forced…I knew I needed to do it, but whereas with written communication and even other forms of verbal communication while I might struggle with it and put it off, if I know it is necessary I will eventually get it done, with the phone that wasn’t happening. I simply could not break past the barrier on my own. Michelle forced me to do it, and while talking on the phone is still something I do not like and I am very glad that no one has taught me to use the phones at my rotation site yet, it is something I am doing SO much better with. I will avoid talking on the phone when possible, but I will answer my phone if it rings, and if I really need to use the phone, I can…and it doesn’t even take an hour to practice and talk myself into it first! That is incredible. Outside of the phone realm, I am also getting better at communication. I do not believe that I will ever find going on retreats to be an exciting experience–I don’t think that is who I am–but I am able to engage in conversation with people without the other person having to hold up the entire conversation, and I LOVE it! It is so freeing to be able to say the words that I want to say instead of feeling the icky trapped feeling when I really want to say something and have the words in my head that won’t come out. It makes me feel a lot more independent to not be so reliant on other people to communicate for me.

I still could make progress in both areas, but “can’t complain about much these days, I believe we’ll be okay.” There are some unresolved issues at school that are really stressing me out, but I believe in a big God who I know will work it out to his glory.

Side note–My phone has to stay off on rotation, and I don’t have internet access there on my computer and even if I did I can only access the computer for rotation related activities which I’m not sure if checking the email address my preceptor has would count but obviously blogging is not rotation related, and after the first day when I got home and opened up my computer with the internet I felt kind of like an addict getting her internet fix, but after a couple more days while I still feel like it is the responsible thing to do to check my email as soon as possible, it feels totally okay to not open every single new blog post on the internet, and if I don’t open most of them and barely even read any of the ones I do open, no one is going to care…yeah, I have less of an online community that way, but at least at home I have a great real life community now…and backing out of the online community is going to be helpful when I have to go back to school…

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