You’re Standing With Us Now (and random thoughts)

(Meredith Andrews–Open up the heavens)

Lately I have been going through a lot of trials due to a situation at school. At times I have really questioned whether God still cares, and really it can be extremely difficult to believe that this can really be for His glory, but I can honestly say that through this God has continued to show me that he is with me. He has continually proven that I am not alone. The reminders that he is with me are so needed right now. I have often struggled to understand how people can feel closer to God not just when the struggle is over, but while it is happening, but I am finding in this that even though it is hard–it is really hard–God’s reminders that he is in control and taking care of me are serving to make me feel close to God even though I am still in the valley.

Also, on Friday I was writing a lot of things and I felt like I was using the same phrase over and over but couldn’t come up with the words I really wanted to use…well yesterday I was at work and suddenly the word I had been looking for popped into my head…and I almost said “furthermore” out loud…yeah, that was the word I was looking for…good things I didn’t say it out loud though because then people would have thought I was kind of strange…

Also, due to the school situation, I saw a psychiatrist for the first time. Going into it I kept an open mind, but unfortunately, the same cannot be said for the psychiatrist…apparently with what my school said combined with not even the text but solely the title of my blog (which I would have been willing to share but they did that for me) he had his mind made up before he even heard what I had to say…interesting how I am supposedly really suffering from OCD and could live a lot better life when I had already asserted that I am no longer over-washing, have not moved into checking or any other OCD realm, and no longer react much to my former triggers…umm yeah, no…OCD is something that I am very aware of, and I am certainly not minimizing symptoms…additionally, in the past, stress has been a huge trigger for the OCD to flare, and right now I am certainly under a lot of stress dealing with the school stuff among other things, and if I am not struggling now, then that is a pretty clear sign to me that I have come pretty close to conquering OCD. Yeah, it made me feel a little nervous yesterday when it sounded like a kiddo in enteric precautions at the hospital was throwing up when I was in his room, but I did not do anything to compensate for that, and really after a couple minutes it wasn’t really bothering me anymore…and I wanted a drink and instead of just thinking I was at the hospital and it was too dangerous, I saw that we were out of cups and searched for something I could use to get a drink, and even considered asking if I could use a prescription bottle as a cup…yeah, that’s right, a bottle that could have been touched by many people, that has probably been sitting there collecting dust for a while…yeah, pretty sure that is another good sign that I am moving past the OCD…also, this morning I was reading on the news that some ebola patients were being transported to the United States for treatment. While that was a bit scary to me, my thoughts were that realistically it was reasonably safe. I really thought it was maybe just a remnant of OCD telling me that it was dangerous to have people travelling from Africa to the United States right now, especially when they are known to be sick, but I found out as I read on in the article that actually my reaction was LESS than that of “normal” people…apparently the CDC has been getting many many thousands of letters from people complaining that this should not be allowed because it is too dangerous to intentionally bring ebola patients to the United States. Yeah, especially coming from a background of contamination OCD I really do understand the fear, and if I were in a fearful position I would on some level agree. Honestly though, I believe that because these people’s families are in the United States that it was definitely the right thing to do to bring them back to the United States, and even if I were still in a place where this completely terrified me, I am aware even in that position that it is not all about me. The person who is sick deserves compassion, and it is not fair to expect that the person be completely isolated. I have in those situations really believed that people should be a little more cautious about how much they are exposing other people when they are sick, ultimately whether I am struggling or not, I know that truly the needs of the person who has been sick are important, and I am not…

Guess who forgot her name tag at home yesterday when she went to work…yeah…that was interesting having to get someone to let me in anywhere I needed to go…but luckily the phone is not my favorite but is a possibility now, because that is the only way to get on the units without a name tag, and it would be somewhat inappropriate to refuse to deliver meds b/c of being afraid of picking up the phone to get on the units…and now doing that is not a big deal…it truly amazes me the way God has blessed me with such amazing progress in the past few months…

These things are definite proof to me that I am right that the best next step for me is to take a break from formal counseling and work on my own for a while. Obviously if school gets to be too much or something happens and the tide starts coming in higher I am not so stubborn as to believe that just because this is the right choice for me now that it won’t ever need to change and that I won’t ever need to return to counseling, but right now I am ready for the sweet taste of freedom and the ability to take care of myself and challenge myself at my own pace.

Speaking of counseling, another thing that bugged the h**k out of me was that the psychiatrist assumed automatically that I was very opposed to medication…umm, I’m a pharmacy student, so that is an extremely strange assumption to make…there were many times during that appointment that I was really biting my tongue to not say something offensive, but seriously? Wouldn’t it make a lot more sense to assume that a pharmacy student would be pro-medication? I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’…When I was really struggling, medication was not practical because unless it was blister packaged I was going to really struggle to be willing to put it in my mouth–so that wasn’t going to be a very effective strategy, but the idea of medication was not something I was theoretically opposed to…Currently although germ-wise I could likely handle taking medication, I am not currently struggling much with anxiety, so medication is not therapeutically indicated. As a student pharmacist, I am opposed to unnecessary medication, so yes, at the moment I do believe that it would be unwise to place me on medication, but in general it is a very wrong assumption to think that I, a pharmacy student, would be opposed to medication…

I am pretty sure I had quite a few other random thoughts to express, but I can’t remember what they were…also, this post almost made me late to hang out with my nursery buddies because I was writing and lost track of time and realized it was time to go!

Edited to add: this isn’t the other thoughts I was going to add, but since I got kind of complain-y in this post anyway, I might as well continue complaining with a couple other things about the psychiatry appointment that made me figuratively bite my tongue…the guy was pretty insistent that I must have had an IEP or 504 plan even if I didn’t know about it…umm, no, I most certainly did not. Not only was I not in special education, but I was in ELP for a while until I escaped from that because I hated it so much (umm why in the world would anyone think it sounded like a good idea to force the smart kids to miss class and therefore have work to make up in order to go get more homework…that is just dumb in my opinion…I might have had to skip lunch and recess one day to get out of it, but I eventually escaped ELP)…I did almost get placed in special education in middle school, but that was only because I did lousy on standardized testing and once they saw my elementary school records I was placed in honors…the other thing was that after I answered that I got all A’s in middle and high school he asked me what my GPA was…umm, pretty sure it doesn’t take a math genius to figure out that 4 times X divided by X equals 4.0…just sayin’…that question is kind of like the kid who asked me “when did you get 4.0” umm, well, at graduation I guess since until then it is subject to change?? I know this is getting pretty nit-picky, but in my opinion since I only saw him once and have no intention of going back and doubt this information will leak back to him it is okay to vent in this forum…the strange thing though, is that I am so fiercely protective of people that while I have given myself permission to complain about him, it would probably bother me and I may even defend him if anyone else tried to say anything negative about him…so yeah…anyway, back to homework time…

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