The Wheels on the Bus go Round and Round

I am pretty sure I had some meaningful things to say about rotation (haha, yeah, get it?? round and round…rotation??) However I cannot really remember what I planned on writing about…Well, I do have some less relevant things to say…necessity is the motivation for innovation…I got to lunch on Tuesday at rotation and realized I’d packed spaghetti with the sauce already on it and forgotten a spoon or any other utensil…so I inverted a plastic bag and fed myself wit my hands…slightly less efficient, but effective…also, yesterday I got yelled at over the phone for the first time, so that was interesting–I was calling to ask if they were still taking their medication and needed a refill and started getting yelled at that he was not taking [completely different medication whose name doesn’t even sound similar] and this is harassment and needs to stop and after he finished his rant he hung up…also, I am learning that counseling on medications isn’t always so hard…a few times I have gotten thrown into it on a drug I know almost nothing about, and pretty much just read the label to the patient and hope they don’t have any questions, and if they do and I can’t answer the questions I feel kind of dumb but get someone else to help me…it is super helpful when the important counseling points are printed in the patient directions…not to say that I don’t know anything–there are a few medications I know enough about to give real direction on, but without having taken any therapeutics classes yet, my knowledge of drugs is limited to what I’ve picked up from advertisements and a bit from hearing pharmacists counsel…like amoxicillin doesn’t need to be refrigerated but it tastes better in the refrigerator…

Also, I have never been a fan of my white coat…for one thing, what brainchild decided that I should wear white?!?!? That is hard to keep clean! For another thing, as I discovered in IPPE last fall, the white coat makes it hard to keep my pants pulled up…however, on the positive side, the white coat does mean it doesn’t really matter if my bra straps are showing because the white coat covers them up…

Also, completely unrelated to the previous paragraphs, but the wheels of my brain were turning today and I came up with an analogy that seems to fit well with something I am dealing with. Suppose someone left a magazine on the sidewalk outside my house. Yes, it is not mine so it would be very wrong to pick it up and bring it inside. Suppose I picked the magazine up anyway, and when I picked it up I noticed that it said porn on the cover (for the sake of this scenario lets assume that there was nothing naughty on the outside and that porn is solely written words rather than pictures…I am realizing I did not think this analogy through to the conclusion…). In my moral system it would be even worse to open up the magazine and look at the pictures and read the words. Suppose now that when I saw the title on the front cover I was so angry/disgusted that I threw the magazine across the room and it landed open to a page of text and I then ran across the room, picked it up again by the back cover and started shaking it so the pages came apart and fell back together a few times. Then the owner of the magazine came by and I threw the magazine out the window back onto the sidewalk and never touched it again. The owner of the magazine never knew that their magazine had been picked up, thinking only that perhaps the wind had turned it a different direction in her absence. Now suppose I feel really bad about having picked up the magazine and apologize, and am thrown in jail and put through trials for having viewed pornography. That doesn’t make sense. Yes, I took the magazine into my own possession for a short time which was very wrong, and yes I saw the title which indicated that the content was naughty, but it would be very hard to consider throwing a magazine across the room or shaking a magazine as truly reading it. Yes, I could see that there were words and headings on pages because I am familiar with the layout of a magazine, but certainly with all the motion of the pages and the small font size and my lack of intentionality to obtain the words in that magazine, there is no way that I could have possibly viewed any of the information in that magazine…so while it could make sense to punish me for borrowing without asking although perhaps this punishment ought to be mitigated since it was only found out  by my apology, it is kind of crazy to punish me for viewing information that I could not have possibly viewed…

Another sort of unrelated but also slightly related thought…I’m not sure if ironic is the right word, but it is kind of interesting that a counselor’s job is to help build the skills that will be needed to successfully navigate life without the help of the counselor and although I believe termination is supposed to involve more of a discussion and some form of agreement than an email stating that it is over a couple days after pushing for more contact, Mchel did help me develop the skills I would need when she turned my life upside down…the ability to talk on the phone has been vital in this situation…the girl I was last summer who spent an hour staring at the phone before making even just a 10 second phone call and then needed another hour to calm down afterwards would have been drowning in all the phone contacts that have been made in this situation (although it was a phone call that got me into the mess…so maybe it would have prevented everything from falling apart…idk…)…and holding on and tolerating difficult emotions is another thing that I practiced and is certainly relevant. A final thing I improved on through working with Mchel was my ability to communicate verbally with friends/acquaintances, and as I’ve opened up it has let me build even better relationships with people which has helped me to have people who believe in me and want the best for me to kind of offset the people at school who have written me off…There were a couple times over the course of my time with Mchel that I kind of felt like maybe she was working with me on a particular skill in order to feel less bad about pushing me away later, but at that point I had her PROMISE that unless something drastically changed that she would never get rid of me again, so I pushed away the fear as unfounded and just used every opportunity to grow my skills…how was I supposed to know that the promise would be completely ignored a few months later when seemingly for no reason she got tired of me and decided we were done…I thought I was secure…I didn’t know that she had promised with no intention of follow through…and while there were hints that she was planning on disposing of me at the earliest opportunity, I had no reason to believe it was really true since I still felt like I had the backing of her promise…it wasn’t just that she’d SAID it, but that she’d PROMISED it…perhaps I should have been looking at the red flags and ethical violations and best practices violations that had been occurring since the week before I even had my first meeting with her, but my instinct is always to believe the best about others and to give people more chances and so I guess I just kept letting things slip through until this ultimately happened.

Which reminds me about another random though…I heard on the radio a few days ago something like “You have boundless compassion for everyone else. When will you realize that you can give some to yourself?” and that really struck me.

Also, I have some really amazing friends, and my best friend in MN told me on Tuesday that I keep her sane, and I don’t really know why, but that statement made my heart feel good 🙂

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