It’s the Hardest Part

(No fight left–JJ Heller)

The first and last few weeks of school are the very hardest for me, but this year has had a special added challenge…I am so past overwhelmed at this point…

Oh my, the past few days I have felt like a battery powered toy running around like a chicken with its head cut off but the battery is almost dead…yeah, I know strange analogy but it is what fits the closest with what is going on.

So Thursday I finished my rotation and went to Bible study. In between that I was finishing packing and doing laundry and packing the car and going out to eat with my family at Qdoba. I was up late getting things to the car, and as tends to happen when you are somewhat rushed, I have now realized some of the things I forgot: the little valve that is supposed to make my water bottle less leaky, the plastic guitar that plugs into my computer for gaming…

I had already packed my clock which I usually listen to music on to fall asleep, so between that and the checklists going through my head, I never actually fell asleep, but I did get some rest before getting up at 4:10 to get the rest of my stuff to the car and getting myself to the car (I slept in my clothes and original plan had been to shower Thursday night but I lost track of time but I definitely wasn’t wasting time on that in the morning). I was on the road by about 4:20 or so. I had some adventures on the road–like an exit that was marked that it had a gas station but didn’t and had nowhere to turn around for another 7 miles…and another stop because I was getting pretty desperate for a gas station and used Carmen (my daddy’s gps) to find a gas station which she told me was one mile away from the exit but her directions actually took me about 10 miles…and since chugging milk in the car is not much smarter than chugging it in the morning or the night before especially when most of the night was spent drinking water to occupy myself/try to fall asleep, since 5:30 I’d really needed to go to the bathroom…and I finally stopped at about 12 to do so, and there was a sign proudly displayed of the daily bathroom cleaning checklist: and awkward, it either hadn’t been cleaned or hadn’t been checked off in a long time…and this gas station had a restaurant inside…yeah…so I eventually got to St. Louis, and got sort of lost when the road I intended to turn on was closed, but eventually made it to Schnucks to grab apples and milk, to the gas station for obvious reasons, and to my apartment where I as quickly and efficiently as possible emptied my car into my apartment…and it was a good thing that I ran out of time to buy mini-donut ice cream to share with Rebecca, because I found out that my magic lunch box was not quite so magical and it may have been slightly melty by the time I got it to school…

Once everything was inside I looked at the time and realized I needed to hurry up and get myself back out the door, and so I threw stuff for the overnight and what I needed for school into a bag and biked to school…and when I got to school I ran to the experiential office literally a minute before they closed to get my rotation forms turned in on time (by one minute…yeah, probably should have faxed them over so I wasn’t racing the clock, but I got them in…). Then I stopped by the business office on my way out to pick up my parking permit, and went to IT to pick up my computer that was supposed to have been picked up the day before but I had gotten permission to pick it up late since I couldn’t get there in time…and after that I finally had lunch (and dinner since it was dinner time and I forgot to pack dinner anyway)…and if there were any doubt that I was pretty much done with OCD, this would have disproved it since I had no problem touching thing, then touching my food, and I may have put things like my headphones and my parking permit in my mouth to hold them a few times and drank from a Caribou cup with a straw that had been travelling around with me for a long time…after that I should have gone into either setting up my computer or getting ready for school mode, but instead since I was so overwhelmed and exhausted both mentally and physically, I went into kind of sort of try to sleep on the table and do absolutely nothing mode…I saw Kateryna outside and I really wanted to say hi to her but I didn’t want to scream across the quad, and then she disappeared into the crowd…also, I saw Josie who is a cute little girl and I really wished I could just watch her for a while, but among other issues with that, I needed to leave to go to the Cru leaders overnight…

So yeah, the overnight…I was up pretty late for that, and I obviously again didn’t have my music and a room where everyone is kind of partying as they see each other again after the summer is not exactly conducive to sleep so combine those things with the fact that I was definitely not in my own bed and I never fell asleep…I finally got back to my apartment around 5ish and got started unpacking and making food and stuff…

That essentially brings me to today. I slept in and then headed to school–for what I am not exactly sure since I didn’t exactly ask anyone if they needed a ride to church so I went in and started typing this blog post…and then I managed to be late to church because I totally thought I could get to church in 20 minutes…which is technically true, but I forgot that I would also need to be able to park, and I am a lot better at that than I used to be, but I still am not the greatest at it…

I really miss holding babies all morning on Sunday, but being in church was good. It was pretty awesome that unlike how going back to church at home or going back to church at school usually is and how going to church at school completely alone usually is, I was totally fine there socially. That is so different than the girl I was a few months ago. I mean, I was a little embarrassed when I was thinking about the situation at school while praying and started crying, but it wasn’t a huge deal. It wasn’t mortifying embarrassing and I really realized that it was fine to cry at church and would have been able to speak to someone if anyone had asked me about it.

Now I am at school and realizing that I didn’t think about where I was going to heat up my food…not sure if the cafeteria is open right now…but I am trying to sell some textbooks and stuff via facebook since the book swap was cancelled, and I have at least found people to take my orgo model kit and my weight sets off my hands (yeah, I somehow accidentally bought two weight sets and it was easier to just keep both and have an extra in case a friend forgot one then try to return one)…

A lot of really stressful stuff is going on with the school situation, but at least I got the official okay to come back to school on probation. I am really really frustrated with things, and realized on Friday that with all the energy I poured into just being able to come back to school that I had most definitely not put much if any energy into actually preparing for school and didn’t even know if I had any notebooks at school or anything, and still have not gotten that ready…but I guess I will be working on that situation and trying to mentally prepare for school (and take the safety training that I need to have done by Monday but haven’t been able to access) after the tutoring meeting today that ends at 7…and I really hope there is food at that meeting, because with all the things I am trying to work through right now packing lunch happened, but dinner did not, so I might be a bit of a crabby pants by the end of the meeting if there isn’t food…oopsy daisy…although I suppose since I have been a bit of a crabby pants all summer with all the sleep deprivation and stress I have been under maybe I just need to consider crabby pants as part of my personality…broken and beautiful, right?

Well, I had some other things to say, but my stomach is telling me to find out if the cafeteria is open and if so, to heat up my food…

I will be okay. God is working through this even when I feel abandoned.

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