I might be down but I’m not dead

(Hope in front of me–Danny Gokey)

How do I have time to blog? Well I have been realizing that I can either spend half an hour writing or I can spend three hours composing and editing inside my head and have nothing to show for it but wasted time…so it makes more sense to just write it and then go back to focusing.

I always used to think that the compulsions with OCD were the problem…I didn’t think it really mattered what I was thinking as long as I could follow the rules and not waste time washing or researching…I didn’t really see a world without rules as even a possibility…It is SO freeing now to be able to not only not do compulsions, but not even have the thoughts that make me want to do it. It feels so good to be able to just live life without the extra thoughts to go along with it.

Occasionally I think it would be great to have just a little bit of OCD. I know if I had it again I would probably disagree with that statement and wish I didn’t have it, but like yesterday I apparently was so absent minded that not only did I forget to lock my car door when I put my backpack and lunchbox inside but I forgot to close it…just a tiny bit of checking OCD might be nice…and when I am eating food off the floor it would be nice to have just a tiny bit of my contamination OCD back…

Last night with Cru we had a pizza party like we always do the first week of school. It seemed very personally successful for me…especially since last year while I was there physically, mentally I was in crisis and essentially missed the entire thing because I was off in the corner with someone crying…I claimed it was because school was hard, but in reality it was because I had fallen way too far into the sea of emotion I had been drowning in my sophomore year of high school when I had to change churches…and that night when the event was over three people walked me to my car to make sure that I got there okay…so I really don’t even know what was going on that night at the event except what I could see from the pictures that were posted to facebook…so compared to that even if it hadn’t been a success it would have been a wild success…but yeah, I was fully present, involved in decision making, doing fine. I welcomed and made conversation with the person I had met the night before at our ice cream party. I hung out with a few other people. I played soccer with some people. I was really there and it was great. I left a little early, because sleep is a good thing, but it was awesome to be able to not just exist there on the sidelines, but be able to really participate…for some reason I could NOT sleep last night and was exhausted but awake all night and my alarm clock is old and didn’t go off this morning so I got up kind of annoyed this morning that I was “late” to get out the door by quite a bit and was exhausted, but I am doing fine, because I am still running on the adrenaline of excitement of how great it is to finally have overcome the anxiety that has held me back for so long.

At school I am really lonely though. I am used to having familiar faces surrounding me all day, and to be isolated is really hard. It does make it feel that much better when I do see a friendly face, but it is really hard to be spending most of my time so alone, and it has been great to have parking at school so when I just can’t handle the isolation anymore I have a safe private place to run to to cry it out before I go back to studying…obviously can’t do it during class, but at least in class I have a better distraction so I am less likely to need it…although that certainly does not mean I haven’t cried in class…haha yeah, so the girl who avoids crying at all cost has now cried in front of pretty much everyone…it doesn’t feel good, but it really isn’t as big of a deal as it could have been–I’m guessing people have probably noticed, but no one has ever asked me about it…which is good because as much as I know that stuffing it isn’t going to help me in the long run, it is what feels best right now, and I really just need to work on getting through the week.

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