What’s the point in Hope

(I believe in You—Stephanie Pauline)

(Note, this post was written yesterday but the internet at my apartment is still not working so it was written in Word and copied here this morning…)

Oh my…can I just say that living in my life is like living on a rollercoaster…there is definite forward progress, but in between there are huge ups and downs within minutes of each other…

So let’s just start with the past 24 hours…I was volunteering at a different location of the counseling center I volunteer with since the location I started at was super busy in the early evening but had no late evening clients. It was kind of interesting walking in the back entrance and realizing I had no idea how to get to the front to greet people, but I figured it out, and had settled in. I was really enjoying myself talking with the counselors and interacting with the clients. I was also pretty psyched because I was finally making peace with things at school. I kind of missed my former friends and stuff but I had procured some candy via an email and had been able to socialize with a few people and it was starting to feel manageable. I left and was feeling pretty excited to realize that not only have I overcome my social and germ fears, but I am no longer afraid of rapists trying to get me in the dark…and then I tripped over my own feet and almost fell face first into the parking lot pavement because I was distracted inside my head…but anyway, I went to the grocery store on my way home and bought a cantaloupe which I have never even bought before when my mom gave me a list at home to buy, so that was huge for me…I usually just buy apples, frozen peas, chocolate soy milk, and occasionally potatoes…

So I went to bed on a high. I got up and went to school pretty much as usual, but when I got to school I got on facebook and saw that one of my friend’s had posted about someone who had committed suicide last night. That really hurt. I know that people die every day, and my heart should hurt for all of them, but it makes it so much more real when it is people I have a connection to, and especially when it is a suicide, it is so tough, because while I have never been suicidal, I have been to pretty dark places in my life, and I know how hard it can be down there to not take whatever means possible to lighten the situation no matter how painful the solution may be…so yeah, that was rough…

VERY IMPORTANT UPDATE: I was just on facebook and the girl who supposedly had committed suicide is actually alive!! Praise God!!

Later I had a meeting with one of my former really good friends. It felt SO good to have someone to talk to. We couldn’t talk about everything in 30 minutes, but even if we had never gotten as far as my schedule and had to meet again to actually get any productive work done, I would have been satisfied, because it was the best feeling ever to have my friend back if only for half an hour. After that I had lunch and then I started the call to get things worked out thing…and got so frustrated that I was pretty much ready to quit. I was beyond upset that no one was answering their phones or ever calling me back, and I was even more upset that I even had to do it…and unfortunately I walked past at just the right time to see a whole bunch of people having a lot of fun together and instead of making my heart happy like it should have, it made me feel resentful that other people still have friends and I didn’t…I started crying…and trying to hide it…but I can’t hang out in my car all day and my friend was at the front desk and would want to talk to me if she noticed that I was crying so eventually I just had to try to do homework at the same time and hide it as best as I could…and somewhere in there I found out I didn’t get into SAA and was really frustrated, because I’ve been in that since first year, and really wanted to stay in it…and also somewhere in there I got a call back from somewhere…not the most convenient set up that I got from the place that called me, but it was going to be a check off the to do list and that felt good…so yeah feeling slightly hopeful again…

And I found out my brother’s storage unit got broken into. All his stuff except what he had flown home with for a few weeks was in it and he hadn’t had a chance to check exactly what was missing, but knew two trombones were stolen and praying his social security card which was in there was not stolen…That put my issues into perspective and I was feeling a lot better…and I was sort of studying while eating dinner but mostly listening to fun music and then animatedly talking on the phone, and life was feeling manageable…the school part I am SO behind on (umm yeah, pretty much not studying the entire first week and struggling to study the second week with all the other issues going on has not been good for my academics) and am not sure how I am going to get anywhere close to done, and at the rate I am going my grades are probably going to take a pretty significant hit, but life itself was going to be okay…

On my way out to my car I met a girl and we talked and I found out a lot about her and I am hoping to get to know her better, because she was super nice, and I really liked talking with her…

I went home and spent an hour cutting a cantaloupe which was very different than I expected it to be, but oddly calming. Then I spent an hour playing with an excessive amount of dish soap…I might not have OCD anymore and use excess dish soap for cleanliness, but I do still have an inner five year old who loves to play with soap bubbles and might have gone a bit overboard with the soap…it was certainly fun though…until I fired up my phone to check my email…and found yet more requirements being thrown at me, and ones that were even more frustrating…and I was seething again for a while…I really want to be able to completely move on and stuff, but when new things like this keep getting added on it is really hard to continue to extend grace and forgiveness and not hold this against the person who initiated it. I know that holding resentment in my heart isn’t going to help anyone, but grace is hard when my instinct is anger.

I am a fighter and I will not give up, but (and I know I am taking this out of context) what’s the point of hope? It kind of feels like hope is just an illusion of safety that as I climb up into just starts to disintegrate below me leaving me to fall further than I would have fallen before. What’s the point in looking at the good when it seems inevitable that more bad is around the corner anyway? I do not want anyone to have the satisfaction of seeing me defeated, but it is hard to continue to trust that God has a plan when all I am seeing are more obstacles being put in my way. I thought my senior year of high school that God was calling me away from my dream school to come to this school, and ever since then I have been running into issues with this school that make me wonder if I was really supposed to be here and why I left my dream school behind…after each trial I have eventually come to accept it and come to terms with it, and maybe this one will be no different, but at the moment I would love to hit rewind, go back to the day I told my dream school never mind after all the visits I have made and all the forms and money I’ve sent you, I am no longer coming, and undo that decision. I know in my heart God has a reason that he didn’t let me go to that school, and I may never know the reason, but I desire so greatly to be anywhere but here right now.


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