For Crying When I Cry

(Thank You–JJ Heller)

I have had a difficult summer and beginning of school…but God has been right there with me holding me as I cried…

Last night I was going back through my journal, and it was amazing to see how far God had already brought me. It might seem in the moment like my forward progress is so marginal, but seeing where I was a month and a half or so ago showed me that yes, in focusing on today versus yesterday I may not have made huge amounts of progress, but the little bits slowly add up to a much greater whole, and the further I’ve climbed the slower it might be to make more progress, but I am not at an impasse. I can keep moving and make the best of whatever comes my  way…

So then versus now…

A month and a half ago I still had remnants of OCD and social anxiety left. I was at a point where I was completely functioning, but there were things that bothered me more than they should, and I was not always able to get what I wanted–usually in relation to not asking for it. Now I might still be somewhat passive at times, but it is more a matter of being unsure of the appropriateness of what I’d like to ask rather than being driven by fear and anxiety surrounding the communication…and I might still be a little quirky just ’cause everyone has their own idiosyncrasies and pet peeves, but I definitely am not fighting against OCD anymore…and it’s not that I’ve given in and am being controlled instead of fighting…I have overcome it and don’t need to fight anymore…I have no problem using my mouth as a third hand, and I probably have gone a bit past normal to the point that if a dog licks my food I am still going to eat it…so maybe I need to work on finding a happy medium between the over-cautiousness about germs I had before and my nearly complete lack of concern now, but in any case, those are issues that are (finally) non-issues.

I really never thought that talking on the phone would be something I would ever intentionally choose to do…I worked on it so that it wasn’t an incapacitating challenge, but I never thought I’d be able to just decide to call someone and just do it when there was any other possibility available to me, and even a month and  half ago I could make and receive calls if I had to, but texting/email/in person was by far my preference…I still do text/email/talk in person because it can be a lot more convenient, but I now am also perfectly fine with calling as well and can recognize that there are times when calling is the most appropriate solution. That is such a huge blessing, especially since a lot of things I am being asked to do right now require phone skills…

A month and a half ago hearing the disappointment in someone’s voice had completely destroyed me…re-reading what I wrote during that time is kind of scary…let’s just say that I am very glad that I was calmer by the time I started writing online about it, because that post I wrote back then cradled in disclaimers was pretty tame compared to the way I wrote about it in my journal…I probably wasn’t helping much by describing myself as “a completely worthless piece of trash who doesn’t deserve to live” although putting pen to paper was at least letting me express myself…but within a day or so of that I wrote that “the entire rollercoaster is underground, but [it has started to] come up.”…and slowly that process has continued and I’ve started healing. Life isn’t all daisies and sunshine, but now I can see that the clouds and rain are transient…or like one of my pinterest quotes says “I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, and I am pretty sure it is not a train.” I have said for a long time that my ultimate goal is to love life every day…

In the past I defined that pretty much solely as never struggling with germs or social things anymore…I am finding now that there is more to finding joy in every day than simply not having anxiety, but even with everything going on, I am no longer living inside a prison of my own making. There definitely are things that aren’t the greatest, and a lot that I would change, so I have not completely reached my life goal (but I still am young-ish…there’s still time to meet the goal) but I have definitely come to a point where even on rough days I at least have a few moments of loving life…I am also having a lot of less than ideal moments that are adding up to a difficult time completing school work, but it is so evident that God is working on me and helping me make forward progress…and if my grades aren’t the best then maybe there’s a reason for that too. It was pretty devastating last year to watch my GPA drop each semester and I really wanted to fix it, but in reality, life goes on despite less than idea grades, and even if I don’t immediately get the residency and then job I want following graduation, I have to believe 1. that there is a purpose for me being where I end up and 2. that doesn’t mean I won’t be able to work really hard in my job and move into the position I originally wanted…

And the actual message at church wasn’t the greatest in my opinion, but it was family weekend this week, and oh my, seeing all the kiddies was amazing…and being able to talk to people who care about me was such a blessing. I love being able to go to church and just soak in the community.

I might have gotten frustrated today that my ID wasn’t working to let me study where I wanted to and the internet outside is still not working at school, but it’s okay. God has a plan for me, and I’ll just have to wait and see where he is taking me, trusting that his plans are far greater than anything I could ever imagine.

…and now it is time to go back to studying/homework because I have spent more hours than I care to admit writing this weekend on non-class-related subjects, so I really need to have a more focused study time today…


2 thoughts on “For Crying When I Cry

  1. I’m glad to see things are improving. From reading your posts, you have come a long way. Keep up the good work. Left you an email address if you feel inclined to get intouch.

    1. Thank you for stopping by and leaving your kind words. For the safety and privacy of myself and of the people around me I may write about I am not sure if I am comfortable with emailing with people I do not know, but I certainly appreciate the offer!

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