Hope means holding on to you; Grace means you’re holding me too.

(Painted Red–JJ Heller)

So this is going to have to be really short because I have a billionty-one things to hurry up and get done, but I really wanted to write today…and I don’t even really have time for one post so this is going to be a mish mash of thoughts since I couldn’t pick one thing to write abt…

I am not perfect…obviously…yesterday the old anxiety monster started trying to creep back into my life…but this isn’t a failure story! So let’s see…
–I was driving a long-ish time to a place I had never been before and had no idea if it was a safe place to  be…I had GPS and written directions, but I am super directionally challenged, so definitely difficult…
–This place I was going was for an event that was pretty much a complete unknown
–there were disorganized people EVERYWHERE
–I was in a very open space and surrounded (I feel safest anxiety or not in small enclosed spaces, usually with my back to a wall so I can take in everything around me at the same time unless I am trying to tune out the world…)
–the bathroom stall I used looked like it had dried vomit on the wall
–I heard multiple people talk about getting sick recently or even that day
–this event involved food and even before germs were involved, food has been a social issue, and since I didn’t pack lunch or dinner eating was definitely mandatory at this event no matter how I was feeling
–and on top of any situationally-bound stress I also have a bunch of stuff going on at school both academically and non-academically

So sounds like the perfect storm for an anxiety attack, right? Well that’s where the pride moment comes in! Yes, I did feel the anxiety sneaking back in, but it was definitely never an anxiety attack like even just one of those things could have caused last year…and the anxiety never really rose above about a 1.2 (out of 10), only lasted a few hours, the majority of the time closer to 0.2, and was almost immediately gone once I left the event, and I didn’t need to use any compulsions or calming techniques to continue to function at 100%…And a 2 used to be pretty much the lowest I could get even if I was completely on my own in my apartment with minimal stressors…and really I am fairly certain that anyone would feel at least a bit anxious with the vomit incident (although old habits die hard, so perhaps I still screen for germs more than the average person even if the germs don’t scare me so much anymore)…

So yeah, next random thought…I am not so sure about writing this since it gives y’all a pretty good idea of where I am currently located since I just said that I had been driving, but after hearing all the news about Ferguson, I expected it to be a run-down, dumpy area with people fighting everywhere…I was really surprised as I drove through that city and saw that it actually appeared to be a beautiful place to live, and the only people I saw outside seemed to be really friendly, and while they happened to be evangelizing via cardboard signs which is a method that I personally do not agree with, their signs were not written in threats, and seemed to be truly lovingly designed to spread truth, and I could certainly appreciate that…it wasn’t until I was in a different city that I felt at all unsafe about my surroundings…it is possible that was just the culture of the city but I felt threatened by people walking up to my car and someone dressed strangely wandering in the middle of the road so I locked myself inside my car and just waited for the lights to turn green until I was past the craziness…

NEXT: It is probably harder having so much boxed up inside my head and being unable to speak about it out of commitment rather than out of anxiety, because with the anxiety there was usually some way around it that I could communicate if I needed to, whereas now everything needs to stay inside…which especially since I really have no idea why (and I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me to ask…so perhaps I’ll ask and find out…) it is really hard…and I cried in bed last night because it just takes so much energy to avoid talking about one of the biggest things on my mind when I don’t even know why…haha yeah, was that cryptic enough for you?!?!?

NEXT: I am thinking about getting baptized soon…I have actually never done it because anxiety has held me back for so long, but with the anxiety pretty much gone I think it is the right thing to do to publicly display how God has changed my life…no guarantee it will happen this month, but I am really thinking about it…



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