Ask and you’ll receive is that so hard to believe…so take away my fear

(I believe in You–Stephanie Pauline)

There are so many things I do with barely a second thought now and I look back and am amazed at how far I have come in the past few months.

I had one of those life is amazing moments last night…

Because of the OCD I was really nervous about raw meat, and because of that I had never cooked raw ground beef or anything else except for frozen hamburger patties. If someone else could do the cooking I was usually okay eating it because out of sight out of mind and I usually didn’t think too much about the process of meat becoming cooked, but I hadn’t cooked it and even just grabbing the package and putting it in a plastic bag at the grocery store grossed me out and made me feel pretty contaminated…how did I get around this living in an apartment by myself…well, the first time I had my mom do it in theory because I’d never done it before but in reality because I was scared…and then I just bought the meat at home and was sure to be busy so that my mom would cook it for me…

Well, a couple of weeks ago I bought ground turkey at the store…raw…and I transferred it to a plastic bag and put it in my freezer…that isn’t where the pride comes from: I immediately brought the trash bag with the packaging from the raw meat to the dumpster…but last night I cooked the meat. Not only did I cook it, but since I am not overly coordinated and it was my first attempt, I ended up with raw meat everywhere…as in I had it all over the floor, the countertops, my clothes…and after I cleaned the first spill up and threw my raw meat covered clothes in the laundry basket (not immediately to the washer!!) I continued to spill and ended up with raw meat against my body and didn’t actually wash up before going to bed…and somehow in my attempt at this I managed to end up with grease drippings all over the floor…the first drippings from spills out of the pan, but some others due to forgetting that the colander would immediately start dripping when I started pouring…and then not necessarily paying attention to where I was holding it as it finished dripping…and you know you are distractible when there is a washcloth on the floor soaked in grease, and a bar of soap on the other side of the floor where you set it down after realizing that while you were washing your hands because it turns out hands are much easier than spoons for moving meat from colander to plastic bag, the meat on the stove probs needed stirring…yeah…

I find it really incredible that I am able to go to bed just fine knowing there is raw meat germs on myself and pretty much everywhere else by that point that are going to cross-contaminate everything I own, when a few months ago just picking up the packaging of meat to put it in a plastic bag was enough to send me searching for my hand sanitizer and avoid using that hand until properly washed…

As much as I worked on this and as much as I prayed for the fear to be taken away, I am not sure I ever fully believed that not only could I stop washing that I could stop even feeling the need to wash…I am so thankful that I have a powerful Father who can take away the anxiety that I have dealt with for so long and let me delight in everyday life…it really changes your perspective on things that can easily be taken for granted when those things used to be nearly impossible…if you’d told me before the OCD got bad that I’d one day be elated to be able to cook meat I may have thought you were a bit delusional, but after walking through the fire and emerging on the other side, I have a new appreciation for these basic things…for nothing is impossible with God…

Edited above because I don’t usually let myself be a word-choice Nazi on here, but it is really bugging me that I chose the phrase “pretend I forgot how” to describe what happened when in reality since I’d never done it before, I arguably really didn’t know how…could I have figured it out pretty quickly on my own had I wanted to figure it out: yes, but I was grossed out by the raw meat so it was easier to have my mom do it and just watch in case I one day really did need to do it…(clearly I didn’t retain all of the steps like making sure the colander was not just over the floor before pouring…)…so as an element of self-nurturing I am changing it so that it will stop bugging me…

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