Monthly Archives: October 2014

When the sacred is torn from your life but you survive

(Held–Natalie Grant)

This is a lyric that has gotten me in trouble before, so I just want to start off with that I am okay. I am an overcomer. I will get through this and be fine…

A lot has been taken away from me…and when I start feeling like things are calming down, more gets taken away. It is really discouraging a lot of the time…some of it I bring on myself because I let myself be easily taken advantage of (that is a topic that has been planned for another post), but other times I don’t think people always think through what they are taking from other people when they do certain things…not to be cryptic, but I don’t really think this is an appropriate forum to call out certain people…but anyway, sometimes so much is taken away that I don’t know how I keep living life, but I do…The one thing I know about life is that it goes on. Life isn’t going to stop and wait for me to throw a pity party, so I when I keep getting knocked down I just have to get back up and keep going and prove to the world that nobody’s gonna take me away from my dreams (Only You Make Me Happy–Krystal Meyers)

Sometimes with everything being taken away from me, while I do want social contact with friends and want people to be friendly with me, I also just want everyone to leave me alone. Essentially, if you have nothing nice to say then don’t say anything at all, and if you have no nice actions towards me then go away.

(Good Day–Britt Nicole)–“Why can’t you just leave me alone. Just when I thought you were gone you threw it up in my face…never let me free like a ball and chain, take a piece of me and never hesitate…can’t believe I played your sorry game”

I have someone sort of in my life that I associate with that lyric…during Cru this week in addition to writing relevant notes, I was also trying to illustrate the way this relates to my life, but my art skills are marginal at best, and the people in my pictures were barely recognizable as people so I am not going to subject you to that…but I do want to describe my picture…For a while it was like she was holding a sword up to me and just barely scratching me, and I overlooked it because I thought I could make the relationship work, and I thought I could cultivate the good in her to make it work out…and quickly this became a life of trying to keep her happy in order to avoid upsetting her and being truly stabbed, but still wanting it to work out, so exposing myself to the danger in order to keep the possibility open…sometimes it seemed like things were going okay–there were promising moments, but the problem was that I was trying so hard not to upset her that I was overlooking how frequently things were not going well and I was being hurt…eventually we gave up on each other, but she wouldn’t let me go. the one little opening I had to escape was blocked by the sword. In my drawing, now as if I am the ball and she is the chain, she is standing and holding onto my shoulders, face to face with me, and I am curled into a tight ball trying to protect myself. I am surrounded by a brick wall so as she swings me around I am constantly being slammed against the wall. I  am finally seeing that this is not  salvageable relationship by any of my own power. She is holding onto me too tight for me to get free, and the sword is blocking the escape I used to have…I want to be free of her, but she continues to stare at me–I can’t escape her penetrating gaze and the scrutiny in her eyes…she wants to see me suffer and I don’t want to give her that satisfaction so she throws me against the walls harder and harder until I cry out and I think she has finally worn out and will leave me alone…I gain back some hope…I think maybe the hurt will end…and as I let my guard up and feel like things are going to be okay, she gets re-energized and bangs me around even harder…I am trapped…I can’t believe I let myself get into the situation that led to that point. I want to believe that many people really do have enough good in them that I can make them into a good relationship if I try hard enough, but then I see how I failed to fix people in this instance and wonder if I really can have an impact…and are people really good? Nearly everyone I have ever trusted has at least at one time really hurt me whether intentionally or unintentionally. Sometimes it seems that it would be better to close myself off from the world to protect myself, but I am an extravert in the shell of an introvert, so I desperately need the deep connection that I can only get by making myself at least a little vulnerable…I can’t believe I let myself be in a position to be hurt so deeply, yet I continue to see myself become set up for things that could go that direction…because ultimately, I deeply trust people, and even once people have shown me that they might not be worth that trust I give them more chances over and over….I want to believe that the next time will be different….I want to believe that the thing they did that time was just a bad moment and something that won’t happen again if I can make the person stay happy…but ultimately, that puts too much pressure on me. I cannot make people happy all the time no matter how hard I try…and truly it is not necessarily my responsibility to make people happy and make them into good people…that is putting a lot of pressure on me for something that I have little power over…I can live as an example, but I can’t force people to be good…

I suppose after writing that I should also interject that I am not being physically abused in any way. I often think of things in metaphors, and that is what this is.

Rollercoaster Let Me Ride

(Too Far Gone–Tyler Burkum)

I have a pretty reasonable sense of self most of the time…but some days when I am tired it is amazing how much that can be influenced by external stimuli and like the Audio Adrenaline song mood rings my “moods are swinging on the swing set nearly every” moment…and I am definitely tired, because Friday and Saturday night I kept waking myself up with adrenaline in bad dreams, and last night I felt like I was suffocating and I didn’t know why…and now I am pretty sure I know why: I am getting a cold…not fun, but maybe it’ll teach me to learn some better hygiene…like not eating food off the floor…or not licking my hands clean if I haven’t washed them recently…yeah, I know, I should definitely be past that kind of stuff by now, but recovering from OCD does some crazy stuff to your life and your value system…

This morning I got a notification that someone had replied to one of my comments, and the reply was so sweet it just made my heart smile so much…and the bright orange of a new notification alone is a happy color too 🙂 I was on top of the world.

At lunch time I was sitting backwards to both tune out the world and help the world tune me out, and one of my favorite teachers joked that most people sit the other direction…made me a little sad at first because she just said it in passing and I was yearning to share the entire animated backstory of why I happened to be sitting backwards right then–I love social connection and story-telling, and can get rather passionate at times, and sometimes even when I kind of want to tune out the world, I do kind of still want certain parts of the world to continue into my existence but at least as far as I know, the only way to selectively tune out the world is for the parts you want to keep to invite themselves back in…so yeah…but then I was happy after that because it reminded me of the song Please Please Like Me by Go Fish…”I do what I do and you haven’t got a clue, ’cause you don’t see what I see, see. I like what I like and I say what I want, but you should know it doesn’t matter. I have an audience of one, and you’re not him so good luck with all the chatter. Start chatter. Please please like me? I don’t think so! MY God made me who I am.”

Today I also was in charge of chalking for Glow in Faith…someone posted pictures of it on facebook and said it was fantastic…I looked at those pictures and saw all the mistakes and parts that didn’t line up with the pictures in my head, and instead of the art they were seeing, all I was seeing was a big mess up that I should really just erase and re-do…I didn’t feel like enough. Not good enough…Not smart enough…Not strong enough…Not good enough…Not enough…luckily, at some moments that is an easily fixable mantra…There are many situations in which sugar can break through the darkness inside me head and I was lucky to still have a few pieces of candy left in my bag…(I mean, praying and going to God is good too, but to me this is kind of like the difference between climbing a mountain and trusting God to catch you if you fall, and jumping off the mountain and commanding God to catch you…you gotta do your part and be responsible rather than treating God as your cosmic vending machine…and for me, being responsible means if I can procure some sugar and get it in my mouth then I better do it)…

And soon I get to go to community group, and I love it. I get to be a part of a loving community that loved me when I didn’t talk or eat, and continues to love me now that I do those things possibly too much…I get to escape school where I often have to force myself into community and go somewhere I can be immersed in community.

11 minutes to breathe you in

(Olivianna–JJ Heller)

I am not nearly committed enough to do a 5-minute Friday every week…but I can do an 11-minute Sunday today 🙂 because I have way too many blog post ideas again and no way the ones that aren’t pressing are going to have time to be adequately written about for way too long…so yeah…random mish-mash of  topics…

I think this list speaks for itself…So many ideas on how to love the life you’re living!

  1. What we do every day matters more than what we do once in a while.
  2. Make it easy to do right and hard to go wrong.
  3. Focus on actions, not outcomes.
  4. By giving something up, we may gain.
  5. Things often get harder before they get easier.
  6. When we give more to ourselves, we can ask more from ourselves.
  7. We’re not very different from other people, but those differences are very important.
  8. It’s easier to change our surroundings than ourselves.
  9. We can’t make people change, but when we change, others may change.
  10. We should make sure the things we do to feel better don’t make us feel worse.
  11. We manage what we monitor.
  12. Once we’re ready to begin, begin now.
  13. To change our habits we first must figure out ourselves

One of my prayers lately has been: thank you God for the friends that I do have. Please let me not pine for the friends that I don’t have. A ton of people (as in 8 that I know of) have blocked me on facebook in the past few years, most of them recently, and as a girl who has relied on internet communication to augment in person communication for so long, that is a hard blow, especially when a good number of those people (as in 3) were originally my facebook friends, and most of them (as in 5ish) are people I would like to see more often than I do, which is what I use facebook for…(4ish because there is one of them that I am not really sure if I’d like to see or not, 3 that I do want to see, 1 no opinion, and 2 I do NOT want to see)…Sometimes I get so stuck on the friends I don’t have that I kind of neglect to feel grateful for the amazing friends that I do still have.

It seems some people failed internet 101 where they were shown how to scroll past things they don’t like…I saw this online recently and I thought it was very true…

I go to a school with probably about 1500 people altogether (1200ish or so students and according to linkedin 201-500 employees). We recently had an opportunity to write about people we think are doing good things. I believe there are just over 500 entries. I think it is really sad that so many people at school can’t even think of one person with any qualities worth acknowledging…Assuming each of those nominations was for a different person, that means that only one in three people on average at our school have anything that anyone else thinks is worth acknowledging. I recognize that partly it is time limited and we have a lot going on, but really, clearly a large number of people couldn’t even think of one other person on campus that had anything in them worth acknowledging. That is sad.

Once a swimmer, always a swimmer…I may no longer actually ever have an opportunity to go swimming, but you can’t even understand how much excited it gives me to put on a swimsuit in the morning even if it is only for a Halloween costume opportunity… 🙂

And my 11 minutes were up 6 minutes ago…

I’ve got everything to lose by not giving up this fight…One More Go One More

(One More–Superchick)

Sorry, I’ve been pretty MIA lately…partly busy-ness…partly I am slowly but surely learning that not EVERYTHING that comes into my head needs to come out through my mouth or my fingers…

Not a lot to say tonight, but tonight’s sermon was great, and so I just wanted to retype my sermon notes…in no particular order since figuring out how to order them would be a nightmare since I write every direction all over my page pretty randomly…The sermon topic was REVENGE! It was really good, and timely as I have recently found myself feeling less forgiving than I should. I have not been setting a very good example of what it means to be a Christian…It doesn’t matter what anyone has done to me, I don’t need to stay in an abusive setting and just take it, but even someone who has hurt me in that way should be forgiven and loved, because they deserve it just as much as I deserve God’s love…which is to say I do not in any way deserve God’s love, but because he gave of it freely and adopted me into his own family, I need to be willing to extend the same compassion to those who have hurt me…and it is hard, but Love is the most powerful thing in the world and through God’s love of me, I can love others.

In an honor-shame culture they took it up a notch each time to God changed it to equality;; The forgiveness of Christ is the only way to move on;; Hate multiplies hate and hurts people.;;They don’t deserve my love, but did I deserve God’s love;; Are you LOVING people who are different–not just not harming them–must actually help them;;Open yourself to people <– ;; When you apologize, ask for forgiveness–own it yourself;; Bitterness puts you on an endless escalator of pain–it never stops;; If I didn’t leave my hurt behind, I would still be in prison;; What do you do with someone you thought was your friend who stabs you in the back–we want them to feel the same pain;; If you are in an abusive situation, you need to Get Out (we’ll help);; GO THE EXTRA MILE! ;; God loves people–you were once enemies with God and he sent the sun;; Take on the burden of others;; Jesus embodied the sermon on the mount;; Father forgive them for they know not what they do;; meet hate with love for double victory so you can transform enemy into friend;; The most powerful love is that for your enemies…Love your enemy, pray for those who persecute you;; Pride keeps us from forgiveness–people ask why;; >>Revenge<< ;; How do I love people who hate me? ;; Because God is the provider, I can let go;; Passive forgiveness–when no one is asking for it–not the same as reconciliation–you can forgive w/o opening your bank account or ❤ again to them;; Jesus turned the other cheek;; you are now a child of the father!! ;; forgiven and loved ❤ ;; We need the modem of grace;; You are a son/daughter–God loves and forgives you–you are an adopted enemy;; Good or bad, God sends you sunshine!! ;; When people have wounded you, don’t hurt them back–forgive them;; I am the representative of an almighty God;; I can choose peace, I can choose patience, because God provides justice;; Did Jesus give me exactly what I deserved, or should I let God be the judge;; Is it weakness or unleashing God’s power–which is harder?;; God gets the glory, I get the freedom;; Love is the most powerful thing in the world;; who has hurt you?–pray for them;; Forgiveness is 1st a choice, then an emotion–feeling WILL come;; GIVE FREELY–JUST GIVE;; Active forgiveness–don’t worry about your pride;; eye for an eye tooth for a tooth represented equality–was to protect ppl–you can’t get more than you deserve and you can’t be exploited–and it is not individual–it is the courts;; If there is no God, you will never have justice for your life;;

I tried to cover my shine. I tried stayin’ in the lines…I don’t wanna hide…baby get your facts right

I am making this post visible after publishing it for about five minutes with a password and since then having it posted privately…I think this is a topic that shouldn’t remain hidden, and I think I feel safe enough now that I will be given enough space/privacy that hopefully this post will not cause waves in my offline life…

(Ready or Not–Britt Nicole)

This post is password protected and very much edited/different due to some things that occurred in between planning this post and actually writing it.

I have felt recently in particular that someone has been “researching” me…and not in a good way. Actually until the things happened that caused this post to be password protected, I was willing to think that perhaps I was just being paranoid, but further events have caused me to believe that this is not so much paranoia as something that truly is happening, and I do not like it.

There is someone who just “happens” to walk past me and stare at me way more than I am comfortable with. Because of my past with social anxiety, I was at first willing to consider that perhaps the feeling of being stared at was a remnant of that, but when I realized it was ONLY with that person that I felt that I was being stared at, it became clear to me that it was probably actually that she was staring at me…and then she was just walking past me too much…for example, what could possibly be going on that would require you to walk past me into and out of the cafeteria about six times over the course of probably around 5 minutes?

And then my blog views went crazy one day but it appeared that is was mostly if not completely by one person…and someone went all the way back to my April archive, and then went from there to my high school blog. Although I was willing to entertain the idea initially that although I hadn’t shared recently that perhaps one of my friends I shared with a while ago had randomly decided to catch up on my posts (there was no referrer to my current blog so I know it wasn’t just a random new visitor), the fact that the same person then went through my high school blog indicated to me that something more might be going on. I know that I open myself to that possibility by allowing my writing to be accessible on the internet, but this combined with the increasing frequency of feeling scrutinized made this feel especially creepy, intrusive, and unwanted.

This does not feel okay to me. It is not okay that I have become so uncomfortable at school that although I know it would be extremely difficult for me severing what little contact I have with my friends and what little semblance of normalcy I have maintained, I really have considered if there is anywhere else I could handle spending my time at school. It is not okay that I strategize to plan potty breaks and getting water breaks to times that I pray I am less likely to see this person (which hasn’t been very effective, unfortunately) and that pretty much no matter what my computer is open so that I can hide behind it. It isn’t okay that I have considered texting my friend when she works the front desk to ask her about who is around before getting up to go to the bathroom/get water. Although volunteering is not a bad thing, it is not okay that I have started showing up earlier and earlier to avoid seeing this person…and it is not okay that I have started staying even longer because I know if I pull the alarm someone will come help me if I feel threatened, and maybe if I stay later there will be less chance of anyone waiting for me anywhere…

So yeah, then yesterday I got concrete evidence that this person truly is researching me. If you know information that has been told to only one person, and whom I KNOW did not share the information with you, we have a major problem, especially when said information was confidential and everyone involved including you knew it.

I seriously considered hiding inside a black plastic bag so I couldn’t be seen, but then I realized that I need oxygen, and that idea died.

So yeah, if I’m acting kind of clingy it is because there is strength in numbers…and gives me a way to hide or at least turn away…and maybe gives me excuse to stand around for a while in hopes that when I turn back around the person bothering me won’t be there anymore…

Edit: actually it is going to be just invisible and not password protected because my chance of remembering the password are rather low and I don’t really need people hypothesizing what I’m writing about…

Don’t give up just keep on trying

(practice practice practice–Mary Kate and Ashley)

I am so proud of myself, so I needed to share and I live alone so I don’t have anyone at home to share with so hello internet friends, you get to hear about my excitement first today!!

So, some background is needed if you don’t know me really well…I am lousy at parallel parking…between being geometrically challenged and not having a good sense of distance, it just is really hard for me…last year I can remember many times spending half an hour trying to get parked and sometimes stopping clearly too far from the curb to call my dad because I was so upset that I was never going to be able to go inside to sleep…(which is a big part of why I started sleeping at school Wednesday nights because adding exhaustion to the mix just greatly increased the frustration level…)…and when I drive one of my friends to church she cheers me on and encourages me as I park because she knows how hard parking can be for me…

Well, I still probably take longer than most people to get adequately parked, but I was super proud of myself and almost stopped to take a picture because I was so excited, because in under 5 minutes I managed to get parked all the way up to the curb in a spot that wasn’t twice the size of my car…It was SO exciting…Practice doesn’t necessarily make perfect, but practice does lead to significant improvement…

The resolution to all the fruitless searching

(In Your Eyes–Francesca Battistelli)

…This is some of what working on a therapeutics case looks like…

20141019_174248

…And this is why my phone and I can both be on my bed yet I can’t get to it in time when it rings…

…And this is why I have come very close to falling headfirst off the bed trying to get up without messing up what I’m working on…

(My computer is not really curved…that just happened because of the mode I had on phone camera on…and this isn’t even showing all the stuff laid out on my bed…or all the tabs open on my computer…and yes that is an empty bowl in my lap…taking care of dishes doesn’t happen until I need to get up for something else since it is so much effort to get off the bed and I have found that my aim for the trash is about 50:50, but my aim for the dish bin is closer to 15:85, making it not a good idea to try to throw dishes there…)

Tell me what is love?

(Beauty of Grace–Krystal Meyers)

I am very blessed. Sometimes it seems like everything is falling apart, but my God loves me and has provided for me greatly. For those to whom much has been given, much will be expected.

Today I saw a car in the middle of the road with a flat tire. Last week that could have been me, but I got to school and security put on the spare for me, and the next day I could go get new tires…they were expensive, but I currently have a functional car.

Today at church I don’t know exactly what happened, but I know that someone fell from the camera platform. I don’t know if he just fell or if something else happened that caused him to fall, but I do know that it is enough of a height that even if it was just a fall that it could be pretty serious. I am currently reasonably healthy.

Today there was a trivia night at school with free food and I was thinking about going, but I decided my SNS was still going too much and it’d be better to go home. I have the freedom to decide whether I’d like to have fun with trivia with friends or whether studying/being productive/solitary relaxation might be better for me. I have the finances to not make my decisions based on food. I do love eating, but I do not make decisions based on free food…the activities I participate in at school would be drastically different if they were based on where the free food was…I prefer to do what interests me, and take care of myself first…if that leads to food then great, but if not, so be it…not the end of the world if I have to provide my own nourishment.

On Thursday, ebola came to my classroom. (The teacher had been on a flight in Dallas the same day as the sick nurse–I am unsure whether it was one of the flights to which they have extended monitoring). I am very blessed that this happened this year when my response was no big deal. It did not phase me a bit to share a classroom or even my pencils with her…last year I would have been looking for an escape and most definitely would have kept my things as far as possible from her…Let’s just say that with the way germs work in my world, I actually would have been freaked out long before finding out my teacher had been on that flight…

On Wednesday I heard that in this city there are girls who see their body for a living, and might be abused by their boyfriend if found not doing so. I have never been in a situation in which I was forced to sell my body. This broke my heart that there are girls waking up to go through this every day.

Everyone has different struggles, and I am not discounting my own struggles any more than I would discount anyone else’s, and there certainly are things in my life that are not going well, but it can be helpful to get some perspective on occasion that I am not alone in facing difficulties in life. Everyone’s Goliath looks different and may change, but God defeated David’s Goliath with a little guy and a sling and a stone, and I have no reason to doubt that God will just let my Goliath crush me. God loves me too much to just abandon me like that. He gave up the LIFE of his only son so that I may live life to the FULL!

Check my Vital Signs

(S.O.S.–Krystal Meyers)

I got teased a lot during second year when I was in physics and IPP about being dyslexic…to my knowledge, I am not dyslexic…I just go too fast sometimes and numbers/letters/words get out of order…but it is kind of funny when I look back at the notes I was writing and see something so blatantly messed up that I didn’t realize was wrong until I had finished writing it…here is something I wrote today:

20141018_110606

Umm yeah, that first word should have read “furosemide”…hey, at least all the letters are there even if they are in the wrong order…actually, I am pretty impressed with myself, now that I look at it again, the middle letters are all really close to the correct spots, just every two letters are flipped around…and this is why half the time I can’t even decode my own notes if I write with lousy handwriting, because even once the letters are decoded, who knows what frusomedie might mean?!

This is Who We Are

(Make Some Noise–Krystal Meyers)

First things first, I re-discovered Krystal Meyers a few days ago and am LOVING her music. The musicality is brilliant, and the lyrics are incredible…So much awesome 🙂

I want people to be happy, I really do, but sometimes that is at odds with my other goals: namely to not let myself be trampled on. It is fun to have fun, but you have to know how…I am a fun-loving girl and love to reflect on how far I have come in the past years…it is really sad that my excitement has to be contained to appease other people. Sometimes I want to do my best to make people happy, even the people that are making my life miserable…partly because I genuinely care about them even though I don’t like them, but not going to lie, also with a hint of kill them with kindness…but other times my thoughts are more along the lines of “We don’t need your rules, don’t need a uniform. This is who we are, we won’t be ignored.” I just want to force my own needs into the situation and run with it. I know the little pyramid of Jesus, Others, You (JOY) that places my needs last, but sometimes I am tired of coming in last…that is when I am super glad to have my friends…one of them in particular has been really great…although I have literally gotten about 10 minutes of studying in all day today because I just haven’t been focused and multiple hours were spent talking to this friend…but anyway, it was so good…

My school started doing this thing last year where we write nice things about people and then recognize how everyone is awesome…I liked reading the good stuff list better since although it did seem at times biased, it allowed good things to be shared with the school rather than solely with the person who is awesome, but this is okay too…Last spring I nominated 17 entities on my computer (I specify on my computer, because I don’t remember if I might have also nominated some people specially on computers in the lobby to get a treat or something…) and it has to be entities, because I was one of the people to nominate a dog…I presented at the table today and said I’d nominated 5 people so far and was told that was too many (I guess it is good they don’t know I plan to nominate more)…see, my problem is that if I remember correctly, my top strength is developer, so I see the good parts in everyone…I was talking to my friend about this today, and mentioned that it is hard for me, because it is not very meaningful if I nominate 500 people, but even people that I deeply dislike have some sort of good in them somewhere, and in some people you might need to look really hard to find it, but there is good in everyone, and I want to recognize that…and she immediately interjected that she kind of suspected that I would want to nominate even the people that I do not like and that in her opinion I can nominate as many as I want and no one but her has to know that I am nominating pretty much the whole school as time allows…(although since time is part of the deciding factor that could limit the number of nominations I can submit)…we also talked about possibly nominating ourselves, because if we are not willing to stand up for ourselves then how can we expect others to stand up for us? IDK if I really will nominate myself, but knowing I wasn’t the only one with that idea makes me more likely to do it…

Today I got to KH and was just ready for a break and some friends, so I got absolutely no studying done, but I did realize that the reading was optional for T1 on Tuesday, which let me cross something off my list and feel productive anyway…and when much of my time is spent greeting clients and re-stocking the fridge I can’t say the time was a total loss anyway 🙂 Perhaps I should intentionally write off the time and take on more responsibilities…I don’t think I am ready for the commitment level of trying out lay counseling, but there are certainly other things I can help out with besides the phone and coffee and the immediate clients…Have I ever expressed how much I LOVE volunteering at KH?!?!? It is such an incredible place, and I love it so much…I wish I could just live there and soak in the community I have found there. KH is a place where my heart feels good and I can just be me.

Also, I used to love washing the dishes, but lately it hasn’t seemed fun anymore…It feels on my hands too much like a reminder of when I was fighting OCD and it makes me sad that I spent so much of my life fighting so hard against that. The feeling of soapy warm water running over my hands reminds me of the excessive amount of time I often spent in front of the sink washing my hands too many times. I am so happy to be free of that, and I have so much empathy for the girl I was, struggling to make it through the day…the girl who almost lost one of her best friends over a bout of stomach flu…If  where I am now isn’t a powerful reminder of God’s redeeming grace then I don’t know what is!!

I had some other things about which I was considering writing, but now that so many people who know me off line read my blog on occasion, I feel like there are some things that would be more appropriate to keep to myself…