These Scars Aren’t Pretty, but They’re a Part of Me and will Not Ever Fade Away…Reached in with your Grace

(What Scars are For–Mandisa)

There are a jillionty-one topics saved on my computer, some from early in the summer or even the end of last school year, and I just haven’t had time to write about them, but it is kind of annoying to see so many things I haven’t gotten around to…so I am not going to give any of these justice, but I am just going to briefly touch on a whole bunch of ideas…in no particular order…

Children look at the world and say I will not I can’t…actually, now that I think about it, I think I intended to pin this one to pinterest rather than blog about it, but it is pretty awesome…I think it is great to think about how as kids no challenge seemed too great, but as we grow up we seem to learn that we aren’t good enough, that there are some things that we can’t do…I think most things if we really put our minds to it, we can achieve…maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but someday.

I recognised, though, that this was an unavoidable slide. Compulsions shouldn’t be a solution to anything, but sometimes they seem the lesser of two evils. On this occasion, either I caved into them, or I’d lose it completely…well this one the reason I haven’t written about it is that by the time I had the time and motivation to write about anything it was no longer true of me…I was no longer struggling…but at times in my past this has been very true…as much as I knew that compulsions would just make things worse in the end, I also knew that I needed to get through the day and the only way that was going to happen was if I did compulsions…it was a vicious cycle and it was awful, but now I am FREE!!

This news article was a sad reminder a few days ago that not everyone in the world will act responsibly, and there are some people who truly do horrible things, and I won’t always be able to understand what could make someone act so wrongly, but I have to continue to extend grace, because I make mistakes too.

The strong, comfortable, settled (and frequently missing) feeling of knowing what to do and how to keep doing it. Continuing is safer than changing, even if it is not going well now. I think I copied this to my list within a few days of Michelle emailing me that we were done…I knew there were issues with her…Blair pointed that out VERY early on and I chose to turn a blind eye because I so badly wanted it to work out…and the further I got and the more things were going wrong the harder it was going to be to make a change because I was so used to the pattern we were already in. It was a problem, but I was trapped in it. It might not have always felt good, but it was easier than confrontation, and at least when the tension wasn’t palpable, it felt safe to just keep going since I had already invested so much…That was a big mistake, but I am growing from it…

This document holds so much promise in it.  It is something of an actual promise in and of itself – from his teachers and therapists to him and vice versa.  It says “We are working hard together and we will continue to push forward no matter how hard it gets.” It documents his struggles and his incredible work ethic.  It highlights how much more he can do now, but in that also shows how far he is from where he should be.  I cried while reading it – both happy tears and sad……This was also copied during last semester I think…It was something I really liked…I think, originally, it was how I saw the possibility of seeing my counseling files (something I’d wanted since first year for various reasons)…but over time it has become something that I wish I had. I wish that a lot of things between Michelle and I had been in writing…I think that would have forced us to work out our differences this summer before either of us exploded…I really just look at these words now and think they are so beautiful. I wish I had that.

This article, and really the whole blog just hurts my heart hardcore so deeply. I can relate to the pain and having someone try to tell me that it is not a big deal when to me, it is and I am so far gone that just telling me that I am fine is not going to work. People who just don’t understand and aren’t interested in trying to understand can be frustrating. “And did they even care, that they had no freaking clue as to why this perfectly healthy and well rested child was telling them that she was too tired? It doesn’t appear that way.” “No, I don’t want offices and classrooms to be “trashed” by my angry child. I also don’t think it’s okay for her feelings to be trashed.

And back to the title of the post…These scars aren’t pretty…They remind me of Your faithfulness and all You brought me through. They teach me that my brokenness is something You can use. They show me where I’ve been and that I’m not there any more. That’s what scars, that’s what scars are for…I think so often we wish we didn’t have our scars…We just want to have a beautifully immaculate perfect life, but that is not going to happen. So often we mistake wounds for scars and vice versa. Sometimes we are deeply hurt and still metaphorically bleeding…we are hurt deeply, this is a wound. Wounds are not intended to be beautiful. They are messy. They might take a long time to heal. They make us vulnerable and easily re-wounded. They hurt…but scars make us stronger. A scar shows that we have been hurt, and we survived. Maybe it is a sad reminder of some dark places we have been, but touching it won’t send ripples of excruciating pain through us. We have healed and grown stronger…and as much as we might wish it away, scars are for life…maybe they make us feel broken, but they are what give us our true beauty…we ought to wear them with pride. This was really hard. This hurt me badly, but I made it. This is what I am capable of. I will not be conquered.

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