Even when the sky is falling

(What faith can do–Kutless)

This isn’t the post I intended to write tonight. I’ll start with an abbreviated version of what I intended to write about back when I planned on getting home by 7 rather than a bit after 8…and I planned on blogging while cooking which also didn’t happen…

What if blessings come through raindrops, what if healing comes through tears? At the point this summer when Michelle emailed me I was about 75ish% or so recovered. I still had some social fears and a mild amount of germ issues. It was mostly in the background, but if something really scary had happened it could have likely come back to the foreground. The fact that I was able to go on crisis chat for a while and that I was able to force out a few emails in the first few days gives testament to how far my social skills had come. It was awful, but I wasn’t completely locked inside myself…and when I started making calls to try to apologize, that got me a lot closer to 100% recovered, especially on the day that everything fell apart as I tried to make contact with people to figure out what in the world was going on when my pils and campusweb and moodle and webmail weren’t working…I think also knowing I was completely on my own whether I liked it or not was the push I needed to get the rest of the way to 100%. I can honestly say I no longer struggle with social anxiety or OCD. I am still not a center of attention girl. I still prefer to play the background, but I can communicate, and I can function in pretty much any situation. It is really awesome to be able to try to show people that I care by talking with them and stuff (My primary love languages are time, service, and words)…so like on Friday I could engage the woman in charge of picture taking in conversation and listen to her and try to respond empathetically instead of barricading myself in my own world…and a few weeks ago I licked the wall to see if it would taste like the way paint smells because I love the smell of paint (that was not a smart choice) so clearly if the fact that I was yelling at myself for acting like a puppy eating food off the floor and carrying things with my mouth was not enough to show that germs are a non-issue then that should pretty well prove it…but although I can make new friends, and I am making new friends, I don’t want new friends. I want my old friends back. I don’t want to get used to this. I want everything back that I used to have. I miss my friends. I miss having a place to belong. I just want everything back that I used to have…to be honest, some days I would be willing to have my extreme anxiety back if I could also have everything I used to have back…that’s how much I want it…Last year my friends surprised me in the morning with a box of skittles. This year when I finally saw them in the afternoon I couldn’t even say hi or sit with this one teacher I really like because they were all too close to someone I couldn’t be with…and a couple days later I was cuddling one single picture of a baby on facebook when everyone else had a huge conversation with lots of pictures and words…

So yeah…complete change of subject, but I have always had a rocky relationship with security at school. There are a few of them who are really nice, and some of my issues with them really haven’t been their fault in any way (although telling me they could send someone to pick me up one day last year then putting me on hold forever and ever and eventually telling me they weren’t going to give me a ride was their fault…)…but today I was thankful for them. I don’t know what happened, but I was driving hoe from church and there was a sound and then the car was definitely having a problem, so I decided to drive the last couple blocks to school to figure it out…and as I was turning into the parking garage it was so bad that I parked illegally because I really couldn’t drive much farther…and the tire was completely flat…and security said they could put on the spare so I could get legally parked and then they’d give me a ride home…well, they did put on the spare, but then they said I should drive home instead of getting a ride, and I was smart enough to know that walking home at night was going to be a bad choice so I drove home, and some jerk started honking at me that I wasn’t going fast enough for him when I was only 5 miles under the  limit…so yeah, I am parked somewhere I can stay for a few days and come Monday I need to figure out how to get some new tires, because apparently although only one was flat I probably need four…which means I also need some more money in my account, because that sounds expensive…

When it rains I guess it pours, but everything happens for a reason, even the worst life brings (Promises–Sanctus Real)…

I was so excited after meeting with my new counselor. It is probably pretty showing of how much I’ve been hurt by mental health professionals that the reason I liked her was that so far she hadn’t yelled at me and as far as I knew she hadn’t broken my confidentiality yet and that she seemed to want to hear what I had to say. That felt amazing. Besides the fact that she is most definitely not my friend due to her current role in my life, I felt like she could be good friend material…so that seems like a good thing…Maybe I really will get to one day “Come Rest” (Lindsay McCaul)


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