This is Who We Are

(Make Some Noise–Krystal Meyers)

First things first, I re-discovered Krystal Meyers a few days ago and am LOVING her music. The musicality is brilliant, and the lyrics are incredible…So much awesome 🙂

I want people to be happy, I really do, but sometimes that is at odds with my other goals: namely to not let myself be trampled on. It is fun to have fun, but you have to know how…I am a fun-loving girl and love to reflect on how far I have come in the past years…it is really sad that my excitement has to be contained to appease other people. Sometimes I want to do my best to make people happy, even the people that are making my life miserable…partly because I genuinely care about them even though I don’t like them, but not going to lie, also with a hint of kill them with kindness…but other times my thoughts are more along the lines of “We don’t need your rules, don’t need a uniform. This is who we are, we won’t be ignored.” I just want to force my own needs into the situation and run with it. I know the little pyramid of Jesus, Others, You (JOY) that places my needs last, but sometimes I am tired of coming in last…that is when I am super glad to have my friends…one of them in particular has been really great…although I have literally gotten about 10 minutes of studying in all day today because I just haven’t been focused and multiple hours were spent talking to this friend…but anyway, it was so good…

My school started doing this thing last year where we write nice things about people and then recognize how everyone is awesome…I liked reading the good stuff list better since although it did seem at times biased, it allowed good things to be shared with the school rather than solely with the person who is awesome, but this is okay too…Last spring I nominated 17 entities on my computer (I specify on my computer, because I don’t remember if I might have also nominated some people specially on computers in the lobby to get a treat or something…) and it has to be entities, because I was one of the people to nominate a dog…I presented at the table today and said I’d nominated 5 people so far and was told that was too many (I guess it is good they don’t know I plan to nominate more)…see, my problem is that if I remember correctly, my top strength is developer, so I see the good parts in everyone…I was talking to my friend about this today, and mentioned that it is hard for me, because it is not very meaningful if I nominate 500 people, but even people that I deeply dislike have some sort of good in them somewhere, and in some people you might need to look really hard to find it, but there is good in everyone, and I want to recognize that…and she immediately interjected that she kind of suspected that I would want to nominate even the people that I do not like and that in her opinion I can nominate as many as I want and no one but her has to know that I am nominating pretty much the whole school as time allows…(although since time is part of the deciding factor that could limit the number of nominations I can submit)…we also talked about possibly nominating ourselves, because if we are not willing to stand up for ourselves then how can we expect others to stand up for us? IDK if I really will nominate myself, but knowing I wasn’t the only one with that idea makes me more likely to do it…

Today I got to KH and was just ready for a break and some friends, so I got absolutely no studying done, but I did realize that the reading was optional for T1 on Tuesday, which let me cross something off my list and feel productive anyway…and when much of my time is spent greeting clients and re-stocking the fridge I can’t say the time was a total loss anyway 🙂 Perhaps I should intentionally write off the time and take on more responsibilities…I don’t think I am ready for the commitment level of trying out lay counseling, but there are certainly other things I can help out with besides the phone and coffee and the immediate clients…Have I ever expressed how much I LOVE volunteering at KH?!?!? It is such an incredible place, and I love it so much…I wish I could just live there and soak in the community I have found there. KH is a place where my heart feels good and I can just be me.

Also, I used to love washing the dishes, but lately it hasn’t seemed fun anymore…It feels on my hands too much like a reminder of when I was fighting OCD and it makes me sad that I spent so much of my life fighting so hard against that. The feeling of soapy warm water running over my hands reminds me of the excessive amount of time I often spent in front of the sink washing my hands too many times. I am so happy to be free of that, and I have so much empathy for the girl I was, struggling to make it through the day…the girl who almost lost one of her best friends over a bout of stomach flu…If  where I am now isn’t a powerful reminder of God’s redeeming grace then I don’t know what is!!

I had some other things about which I was considering writing, but now that so many people who know me off line read my blog on occasion, I feel like there are some things that would be more appropriate to keep to myself…

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