I tried to cover my shine. I tried stayin’ in the lines…I don’t wanna hide…baby get your facts right

I am making this post visible after publishing it for about five minutes with a password and since then having it posted privately…I think this is a topic that shouldn’t remain hidden, and I think I feel safe enough now that I will be given enough space/privacy that hopefully this post will not cause waves in my offline life…

(Ready or Not–Britt Nicole)

This post is password protected and very much edited/different due to some things that occurred in between planning this post and actually writing it.

I have felt recently in particular that someone has been “researching” me…and not in a good way. Actually until the things happened that caused this post to be password protected, I was willing to think that perhaps I was just being paranoid, but further events have caused me to believe that this is not so much paranoia as something that truly is happening, and I do not like it.

There is someone who just “happens” to walk past me and stare at me way more than I am comfortable with. Because of my past with social anxiety, I was at first willing to consider that perhaps the feeling of being stared at was a remnant of that, but when I realized it was ONLY with that person that I felt that I was being stared at, it became clear to me that it was probably actually that she was staring at me…and then she was just walking past me too much…for example, what could possibly be going on that would require you to walk past me into and out of the cafeteria about six times over the course of probably around 5 minutes?

And then my blog views went crazy one day but it appeared that is was mostly if not completely by one person…and someone went all the way back to my April archive, and then went from there to my high school blog. Although I was willing to entertain the idea initially that although I hadn’t shared recently that perhaps one of my friends I shared with a while ago had randomly decided to catch up on my posts (there was no referrer to my current blog so I know it wasn’t just a random new visitor), the fact that the same person then went through my high school blog indicated to me that something more might be going on. I know that I open myself to that possibility by allowing my writing to be accessible on the internet, but this combined with the increasing frequency of feeling scrutinized made this feel especially creepy, intrusive, and unwanted.

This does not feel okay to me. It is not okay that I have become so uncomfortable at school that although I know it would be extremely difficult for me severing what little contact I have with my friends and what little semblance of normalcy I have maintained, I really have considered if there is anywhere else I could handle spending my time at school. It is not okay that I strategize to plan potty breaks and getting water breaks to times that I pray I am less likely to see this person (which hasn’t been very effective, unfortunately) and that pretty much no matter what my computer is open so that I can hide behind it. It isn’t okay that I have considered texting my friend when she works the front desk to ask her about who is around before getting up to go to the bathroom/get water. Although volunteering is not a bad thing, it is not okay that I have started showing up earlier and earlier to avoid seeing this person…and it is not okay that I have started staying even longer because I know if I pull the alarm someone will come help me if I feel threatened, and maybe if I stay later there will be less chance of anyone waiting for me anywhere…

So yeah, then yesterday I got concrete evidence that this person truly is researching me. If you know information that has been told to only one person, and whom I KNOW did not share the information with you, we have a major problem, especially when said information was confidential and everyone involved including you knew it.

I seriously considered hiding inside a black plastic bag so I couldn’t be seen, but then I realized that I need oxygen, and that idea died.

So yeah, if I’m acting kind of clingy it is because there is strength in numbers…and gives me a way to hide or at least turn away…and maybe gives me excuse to stand around for a while in hopes that when I turn back around the person bothering me won’t be there anymore…

Edit: actually it is going to be just invisible and not password protected because my chance of remembering the password are rather low and I don’t really need people hypothesizing what I’m writing about…

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