Rollercoaster Let Me Ride

(Too Far Gone–Tyler Burkum)

I have a pretty reasonable sense of self most of the time…but some days when I am tired it is amazing how much that can be influenced by external stimuli and like the Audio Adrenaline song mood rings my “moods are swinging on the swing set nearly every” moment…and I am definitely tired, because Friday and Saturday night I kept waking myself up with adrenaline in bad dreams, and last night I felt like I was suffocating and I didn’t know why…and now I am pretty sure I know why: I am getting a cold…not fun, but maybe it’ll teach me to learn some better hygiene…like not eating food off the floor…or not licking my hands clean if I haven’t washed them recently…yeah, I know, I should definitely be past that kind of stuff by now, but recovering from OCD does some crazy stuff to your life and your value system…

This morning I got a notification that someone had replied to one of my comments, and the reply was so sweet it just made my heart smile so much…and the bright orange of a new notification alone is a happy color too 🙂 I was on top of the world.

At lunch time I was sitting backwards to both tune out the world and help the world tune me out, and one of my favorite teachers joked that most people sit the other direction…made me a little sad at first because she just said it in passing and I was yearning to share the entire animated backstory of why I happened to be sitting backwards right then–I love social connection and story-telling, and can get rather passionate at times, and sometimes even when I kind of want to tune out the world, I do kind of still want certain parts of the world to continue into my existence but at least as far as I know, the only way to selectively tune out the world is for the parts you want to keep to invite themselves back in…so yeah…but then I was happy after that because it reminded me of the song Please Please Like Me by Go Fish…”I do what I do and you haven’t got a clue, ’cause you don’t see what I see, see. I like what I like and I say what I want, but you should know it doesn’t matter. I have an audience of one, and you’re not him so good luck with all the chatter. Start chatter. Please please like me? I don’t think so! MY God made me who I am.”

Today I also was in charge of chalking for Glow in Faith…someone posted pictures of it on facebook and said it was fantastic…I looked at those pictures and saw all the mistakes and parts that didn’t line up with the pictures in my head, and instead of the art they were seeing, all I was seeing was a big mess up that I should really just erase and re-do…I didn’t feel like enough. Not good enough…Not smart enough…Not strong enough…Not good enough…Not enough…luckily, at some moments that is an easily fixable mantra…There are many situations in which sugar can break through the darkness inside me head and I was lucky to still have a few pieces of candy left in my bag…(I mean, praying and going to God is good too, but to me this is kind of like the difference between climbing a mountain and trusting God to catch you if you fall, and jumping off the mountain and commanding God to catch you…you gotta do your part and be responsible rather than treating God as your cosmic vending machine…and for me, being responsible means if I can procure some sugar and get it in my mouth then I better do it)…

And soon I get to go to community group, and I love it. I get to be a part of a loving community that loved me when I didn’t talk or eat, and continues to love me now that I do those things possibly too much…I get to escape school where I often have to force myself into community and go somewhere I can be immersed in community.

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