This is a lyric that has gotten me in trouble before, so I just want to start off with that I am okay. I am an overcomer. I will get through this and be fine…
A lot has been taken away from me…and when I start feeling like things are calming down, more gets taken away. It is really discouraging a lot of the time…some of it I bring on myself because I let myself be easily taken advantage of (that is a topic that has been planned for another post), but other times I don’t think people always think through what they are taking from other people when they do certain things…not to be cryptic, but I don’t really think this is an appropriate forum to call out certain people…but anyway, sometimes so much is taken away that I don’t know how I keep living life, but I do…The one thing I know about life is that it goes on. Life isn’t going to stop and wait for me to throw a pity party, so I when I keep getting knocked down I just have to get back up and keep going and prove to the world that nobody’s gonna take me away from my dreams (Only You Make Me Happy–Krystal Meyers)
Sometimes with everything being taken away from me, while I do want social contact with friends and want people to be friendly with me, I also just want everyone to leave me alone. Essentially, if you have nothing nice to say then don’t say anything at all, and if you have no nice actions towards me then go away.
(Good Day–Britt Nicole)–“Why can’t you just leave me alone. Just when I thought you were gone you threw it up in my face…never let me free like a ball and chain, take a piece of me and never hesitate…can’t believe I played your sorry game”
I have someone sort of in my life that I associate with that lyric…during Cru this week in addition to writing relevant notes, I was also trying to illustrate the way this relates to my life, but my art skills are marginal at best, and the people in my pictures were barely recognizable as people so I am not going to subject you to that…but I do want to describe my picture…For a while it was like she was holding a sword up to me and just barely scratching me, and I overlooked it because I thought I could make the relationship work, and I thought I could cultivate the good in her to make it work out…and quickly this became a life of trying to keep her happy in order to avoid upsetting her and being truly stabbed, but still wanting it to work out, so exposing myself to the danger in order to keep the possibility open…sometimes it seemed like things were going okay–there were promising moments, but the problem was that I was trying so hard not to upset her that I was overlooking how frequently things were not going well and I was being hurt…eventually we gave up on each other, but she wouldn’t let me go. the one little opening I had to escape was blocked by the sword. In my drawing, now as if I am the ball and she is the chain, she is standing and holding onto my shoulders, face to face with me, and I am curled into a tight ball trying to protect myself. I am surrounded by a brick wall so as she swings me around I am constantly being slammed against the wall. I am finally seeing that this is not salvageable relationship by any of my own power. She is holding onto me too tight for me to get free, and the sword is blocking the escape I used to have…I want to be free of her, but she continues to stare at me–I can’t escape her penetrating gaze and the scrutiny in her eyes…she wants to see me suffer and I don’t want to give her that satisfaction so she throws me against the walls harder and harder until I cry out and I think she has finally worn out and will leave me alone…I gain back some hope…I think maybe the hurt will end…and as I let my guard up and feel like things are going to be okay, she gets re-energized and bangs me around even harder…I am trapped…I can’t believe I let myself get into the situation that led to that point. I want to believe that many people really do have enough good in them that I can make them into a good relationship if I try hard enough, but then I see how I failed to fix people in this instance and wonder if I really can have an impact…and are people really good? Nearly everyone I have ever trusted has at least at one time really hurt me whether intentionally or unintentionally. Sometimes it seems that it would be better to close myself off from the world to protect myself, but I am an extravert in the shell of an introvert, so I desperately need the deep connection that I can only get by making myself at least a little vulnerable…I can’t believe I let myself be in a position to be hurt so deeply, yet I continue to see myself become set up for things that could go that direction…because ultimately, I deeply trust people, and even once people have shown me that they might not be worth that trust I give them more chances over and over….I want to believe that the next time will be different….I want to believe that the thing they did that time was just a bad moment and something that won’t happen again if I can make the person stay happy…but ultimately, that puts too much pressure on me. I cannot make people happy all the time no matter how hard I try…and truly it is not necessarily my responsibility to make people happy and make them into good people…that is putting a lot of pressure on me for something that I have little power over…I can live as an example, but I can’t force people to be good…
I suppose after writing that I should also interject that I am not being physically abused in any way. I often think of things in metaphors, and that is what this is.