I can’t find the pieces that once made up my heart

(Real Men–Stephanie Pauline with Joe Uvegas)

So yeah, this is another instance of my computer being full of topics to write about and looking at the calendar to realize I have no time to expand on these…so here are some copy and pasted half thought out topics from my ideas list…also, I have some half written emails in the same document, so hopefully I don’t accidentally include those, but if I did and you start reading something too personal then like the stickers on videos say: Please Be Kind and Rewind…we’ll just pretend that never happened (except tell me so I can get the email going the correct direction and take it off my blog…)

So I have kind of been hinting at that I was going to be writing about this topic for some time now, but I have been writing and erasing for a while, because I want to do this respectfully, without stepping on people’s toes…I don’t want to spread negativity about anyone, and I cannot guarantee that my words will not reach someone who might be unintentionally hurt by what I have to say, so like always, I want to be sensitive to that and not share my thoughts in such a way that I cause any unnecessary hurt…I don’t need everyone to like what I have to say or even to agree with me, but I also do not want to offend anyone nor do I want my voice to be taken away…I think which came first, the chicken or the egg is a dumb question…God created the animals, and then it was up to the animals to procreate, so I know the chicken came first…so anyway, I was thinking back to when I lost my self-esteem, because I had a pretty good self-esteem at some point, and last year in particular I was treated by someone as if I did not have any value…my self-esteem has rebounded, quite a bit, but yeah, this is a topic I have been thinking about for a while…it also plays into the self-esteem movement. I have sometimes wondered what it would have been like growing up before the self-esteem movement occurred…I waited until the nineties to be born, so I will never be able to fully know what it was like before then, but I wonder if things would have turned out differently in my life if I hadn’t grown up with everyone is a winner, everything is awesome…IDK…but anyway, I was pretty convinced that I was a good person definitely through high school and the first part of college as I trace back my self-esteem. I was sometimes self-deprecating because I valued others above myself and because humor and sarcasm is often my approach to the world, but underneath the don’t worry about me it isn’t a big deal, I really did see myself as having value. Perhaps it was because of that approach that this person decided I had no value and treated me as such…although based on what I saw, I do not think I was the only one being treated as if I had no value…but as I was treated that way, my sense of my own value declined. My statements went from “it is not important” to “I am not important,” and I began believing those words…and actions really do speak louder than words. In the spring this person told me that I was not unimportant once…however, her actions that day and both historically and going forward proved quite clearly that those words meant very little to her. I could see my true value through her eyes was pretty close to zero…sure, I was good for providing some information and justifying her existence, but beyond that, I was worthless…and my self-esteem showed that I believing what was coming from her…luckily I have since re-evaluated and my self-esteem is placed more firmly in how my eternal daddy sees me than in how other people see me…so God can even use being devalued as a way to teach me to know him more…

I had a really good conversation a few days ago about ethics. What started as a conversation comparing our community groups led down a path that led me to be talking about whether or not I’d be willing to handle medication that I knew the patient was likely to use to kill oneself, and about what constitutes murder, and about emergency contraception and birth control…I will admit I didn’t really let my friend get a word in edgewise because I was kind of passionate so I don’t really know if she agreed or disagreed with my stances (oops), but it was a good conversation (if a bit one-sided)…She wasn’t in pharmacy, so some of the more pharmacy related topics were probably things that she hadn’t necessarily thought about, but I am fairly certain that everyone has thought at least on some level about their opinion on suicide and on abortion…and I feel like recently I have heard perspectives that I have never heard before…that doesn’t necessarily mean that my stance will change, but I do love hearing where other people are coming from and hearing the perspective that led them to their decision…and if it is a topic I am passionate about, I will talk your ear off if given the right opportunity…

I was a girl scout for a few years…looking back, my mom was right that it pretty much was expensive baby sitting, but we did learn a song in girl scouts: “Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold.” When I have been really upset this semester I have been internally screaming that I don’t WANT new friends. I want my old friends back and would do almost anything to get my old friends back including taking back the anxiety that ruled my life. In a more calm state of mind though, I certainly do not want to discount the really amazing new friends I have made or relationships that have more recently been strengthened. I really do appreciate the people in my life right now, and feel blessed to have a few good friends, but I want to, like the song says, “keep the old.” Those relationships are still very valuable to me. Those are the people who meant the world to me. Those are the people who accepted me for whom I was and included me. Making new friends is beautiful, but my old friends are the gold to which I would still like to hold. It hurts and often feels profoundly lonely to be left out and rejected by the very few people I had connected with and began to trust. It is deeply painful for H1, J, W, and B who were my good friends to have fb blocked me (sry…it doesn’t bother me to be blocked by C, and good riddance to H2 (I don’t know what good riddance means, but I am using it to mean that she makes it really hard for me to love and forgive her and therefore am quite content being blocked)). It hurts to be physically separated from my friends. I have worked so hard over the past few years to be able to form meaningful relationships, and I worked really hard and was finally making friends with people like H3, and now I can’t even see those people that much and it hurts.

It has felt really good over the past few days to have some good conversations with people, but a few minute conversation with MH or with BJ doesn’t make up for the daily shared life I used to have with my old friends. I love that these people are willing to step into my life for a few minutes, but there is still a hole in my heart where the old friends were ripped out, and no amount of gauze in the form of new friends feels like it will ever cover the hurt. It makes me feel sometimes like why should I bother making friends if they are just going to be ripped away from me later anyway…almost everyone I have ever opened my heart to has wounded me, so how do I know anyone else will be different…

I am pretty sure I have said this before, but I love enabling people to come to church…what I don’t love is how that limits my ability to socialize. I would love to “mingle” and talk with people before and after church, but I feel bad leaving the person/people I bring to church alone, especially when they don’t really know anyone else there…I want to be a good hostess I guess is what I am trying to say…so when they ask to leave, I don’t want to like request that I talk for another half hour with a few people before we go…so we head out…It kind of makes me feel torn, because people are really important to me and I want to be able to cultivate relationships and care for the people at church, but I also want to care about and respect the needs of the person/people that I bring to church…I still haven’t figured out totally how to reconcile those things…I can talk to people before the service to some extent, but I feel limited…

Y’all, I felt like a failure on Tuesday. My mathematical model estimated that there were about 518 or so brightspot nominations…in reality there were 492 if I remember correctly, and that only represented like 321 people. In a perfect world, every person at STLCOP would get at least one nomination. I did my best to make that happen by nominating 30 people, but I am only one person, and have a limited amount of time…in theory, if everyone wrote about one other person we could reach everyone if we organized it, so really the goal is within reach…I also tried to acknowledge some people on my own, but the email got messed up, and I still couldn’t include everyone…it got a good response from people acknowledging that many people walk away from brightspots feeling like a failure and perhaps I could save the moment for a few of them, but it doesn’t feel good enough to me…I want everyone to know that they have innate goodness in them…even the people I really don’t like…some people you might have to look really hard to find the goodness, but I really do believe there is goodness in every person…

On the topic of brightspots, it is not really my favorite program…I do not like that some people’s goodness is valued more than others…maybe it is just because my love languages are time, words, and service, so to me just the words and time for someone to mention what they like meets my needs, but I don’t think that is the case since I am also fiercely competitive. I hide it sometimes, but if there is a winner and a non-winner, you can bet I’ll be going for the gold…but for me, I do not need to be picked as the “best brightspot” to be satisfied. I am perfectly content with a friend just telling me that she nominated me…to me, that is encouragement enough…that’s why I liked the program a year and a half ago better when everyone nominated was good enough to be recognized and no one was chosen as the better good people…my other issue with brightspots is how secretive it is…we used to have a list of great things about people sent out at the end of most semesters, and they were sometimes anonymous which is totally fine with me, but they allowed the whole school to see the good things about people rather than limiting it to just that person being told that they are good…So if I were in charge, in addition to making sure everyone was accounted for, I would not pick some people as better than others and all the notes would be opened for the whole school to read about the good things that other people on campus are doing…secrets secrets are no fun unless they’re shared with everyone…just sayin’…so yeah, basically I think it is important to emphasize recognizing the good in people, but I also have some minor issues with the way this program I being carried out…I am not criticizing the idea or the people behind the idea, more just inserting constructive criticism from my perspective…although I am not sure if it counts as constructive criticism or just complaining if I am not actually bringing my thoughts to the people who actually are carrying out the program and just posting it on my private blog…

I am probably a security threat…yesterday I let someone in the res hall who couldn’t get in…because that is what I would like people to do for me…but it is not really just that…helping people is in my nature, so a lot 2nd/3rd yr I led people where they wanted to go (1st yr to some extent, but mostly I lived in my own world to an extent that I didn’t have many opportunities)…sometimes I checked if they had a legitimate need first, but if I was trying to focus, it was often more like here you go, leave me alone…I think locks really only keep an honest person honest, and if someone wants something they will figure out how to get it either way, so it is better to do the compassionate thing and help people out than to do the “right” thing and lock them out or kick them out…and this is not a good direction for me to go right now emotionally so I am going to stop…but anyway, I do know that what I do has the potential to make it easier for someone with wrong motives…all a shooter would have to do was look like they were in need and I’d offer to unlock the door for them…It is called being polite…and maybe if someone was compassionate towards that person then they wouldn’t commit the crime they set out to anyway…I feel like school shooting stories usually end up with some sort of pity story about how the shooter was mistreated and was retaliating…just sayin’…

I told the event I volunteered at that I wanted to be placed either within walking distance of school or somewhere the bus was dropping people off…like seems to usually happen with preferences given in surveys to school, my opinion was completely disregarded and I ended up at a location in the middle of nowhere…that mapquest said was 7-10 minutes from my apartment, but after you figure in getting lost actually took me around 40 minutes to get to…which still got me there in plenty of time since I do try to plan plenty of extra time for getting lost, but still didn’t start out my day very well…and then the person with the supplies was running late…and no one was at the store…and umm if you knew me well a couple years ago, you know that I was the one who was worked with one on one with my lab instructor for pretty much an entire lab period and we tried everything, yet she had to disregard her directions to make sure everyone could successfully take a blood pressure before leaving, because I was not getting it…and somehow in the group of people I got picked to take the one person who came’s blood pressure…and you probably wouldn’t be surprised to hear that I didn’t get it the first time…I was ready to try again, but someone else did it for me…then it was time for blood glucose screening…finally something foolproof that I totally can do and have been trained on excessively…and the guy didn’t want me to do it and asked for someone else…yeah…not a good day for me…

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