I can never go back to the way things were before

(Until you came along–JJ Heller)

My online friend, Kati, recently reiterated the metaphor someone told her. You have always run marathons, but now you are wearing an eighty-pound backpack and expecting yourself to continue to run marathons and you are exhausting yourself. This is in reference not to physical marathons but to mental energy expenditure, and when a major burden is added, you can’t expect yourself to be able to go on with life as if nothing had ever happened. As much as you try, you are going to be slowed down by the backpack. It just isn’t realistic to run a marathon that way.

I have always been a very prepared person, if I knew I needed one of something but might need five, I’d pack at least seven, or maybe more to share in case others need some too…and if something was going to be due in a week then I better start working on it now, because obviously the deadline isn’t tomorrow for a reason…and I wasn’t done studying until I could quote back all my notes…but then I strapped on the extreme anxiety interfering with my life backpack and the difficult relationship backpack, and the three people in my network dying over the course of a couple months backpack, and the marathon was already headed uphill without those things anyway, and I started slowing down, and it was frustrating and scary, and I felt inadequate. Try harder had always gotten me the grades I wanted, but it wasn’t working anymore.

Then this summer some other stuff happened and between that and people naturally being less a part of my life as our paths grew apart, the vast majority of my friends essentially disappeared, and the one place I felt like I kind of fit in and belonged and was really accepted was taken away. I had unstrapped the anxiety backpack and was feeling so free, but now I was weighed down even heavier, and I was trying to keep running, but I was failing…just walking was hard. Sugar helps me, and I know if I am on edge and start falling then it will be even harder to regain my ground, so now I am trying to predict when I am going to have a difficult situation come up, and like a pre-treatment SABA for exercise induced asthma, I try to use sugar prophylactically to avoid falling off the cliff, and if I know I’m going to get through the hard parts of the day then the sugar will be saved for later, but it is a lot more work, and it is hard when I am used to running marathons to be struggling with barely even getting up for a walk. I am being crushed…and it isn’t possible to fully predict when something hard will happen…

Tuesday, I thought I was doing fine…and then unexpectedly, something happened and without any warning, I was plummeting off the cliff. I was calming down and slowly getting my feet under me when Thursday hit, and while at first I was doing great–I thrive on chaos occurring around me–I offered to do something for someone else…and then suddenly I was being forced to do something else I was not feeling very good about, and I was falling again…just saying, I hate people’s sense of entitlement sometimes. If you are getting something of high value for free, then you have no business complaining that you want something even better…but anyway, falling is no fun, and I was pretty far gone–as in I was relying on my group members to help me with things like whether 58 was less than or greater than 40…and it showed when later in a better environment I could look at my notes and quickly determine that the answers we had listed on our worksheet were obviously wrong…oh well…frustrating…I hate writing negative posts, so I just want to say that it was really exciting yesterday that there was lavender scented lotion at KH yesterday (yum), and also I spent some time with my little buddy…sometimes it is kind of hard to know my place like when do I get involved in discipline and when do I just stay out of it, but he has earned a place in my heart…like a place that involves borrowed laptop and phone charger and getting down on the floor to listen to music on his headphones with him…

Also, inside my head this was totally related, but it kind of doesn’t seem related anymore…but I saw a really awesome quote today somewhere. It was: I didn’t know what “it” was, but I knew I couldn’t do it.” It reminded me of the many times over the past couple months when I have screamed that I can’t do this anymore…what it is that I can’t do is kind of nebulous at times, but I know I can’t do it…

“When we gonna stop running running?…For the hearts that are broken, come in and mend them” –Look Like Love–Britt Nicole


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