I’ve been looking for some place: A Peaceful Place I can Abide

(Too Far Gone–Tyler Burkum)

This is mostly random thoughts, but it is kind of expressing looking back on recent life how interesting it is to see what life is like after the anxiety goes away…I am so thankful I do not deal with anxiety anymore, and can just live my life…I feel empowered…

Just like when I had OCD, I still see all the ways germs are constantly being transmitted…however, it is very different on this side. I do not act like an OCD-er anymore, and I am not living in fear anymore. I really am not concerned about catching ebola, and I think the danger has been blown way out of proportion. I still don’t always wash my hands before eating and am not too concerned about touching things. I do, however, see how the contagion could easily show up here. One of my teachers was going through the airport at the same time as the nurse who was possibly contagious while at the airport. My teacher came to school, and while she did not get sick, she and her belongings could very well have been a vector for the virus, and from her multiple people in this area could have been exposed, and in turn exposed their circles and even if these people were not getting sick, all it takes is one person passing on a large enough dose to a susceptible enough host that someone actually gets sick, and once someone is actually sick it is much more contagious. I am not too worried—there are stories of many people who have lived in the same home as a sick person but were careful not to avoid the virus, and did not get sick, and judging from what the family members of America’s first big-name case were saying, they really seemed to have an EXTREMELY low understanding of health, which indicates to me that they likely were not acting appropriately to protect themselves from their family member’s illness, yet none of them became sick. This is not the terrifying pathogen that people make it out to be…here is an article on that subject that I think does a really good job of saying what I want to say…ARTICLE…it is a little over a month old now, but it the points it makes are still very valid.

I am no longer OCD, but I do still see spreading contamination. It no longer scares me, but I see it and sometimes cringe, but at this point the only solution I see is to bleach large areas because of how dirty they have become, and that is not practical….but truly it does not bother me. I am perfectly content to go on with life the same way everyone else does…living while completely avoiding the spread of germs is impractical and not a realistic way to live…people need to spread germs in order to live comfortably. There are a few things people do that gross me out, but not enough for me to do any avoidance or extra washing or try to make them change their ways…and I think everyone is entitled to a few of their own pet peeves without being labeled with OCD because of them…things I would have labeled someone as negligent for a year ago I now do on occasion…it is a really strange place to be having lived through that and come out on the other side…

I might not FEEL scared or awkward in social situations, but I evidently still need some work on social behavior…I was at an event last night, and while I felt fine, I know I must have looked lost, because a friend took me to talk to people, and I know I need social skills seeing as how someone asked me how I was and I totally missed it…it was a really awesome event though, and I stayed out way too late hanging out with my friends…I have trouble in those situations sometimes not with fear but with that I can’t really understand what people are saying in that environment, so I kind of was halfway in conversations most of the night since I couldn’t really hear the words, but I loved it. I just wanted to stay there and soak in the community forever and ever. I love my Care and Counseling friends. I work with such an amazing group of people, and seeing the bigger story working through people I’d never even seen before was pretty cool…because I know a lot about KH and what I do, but I didn’t even know that deacons were part of care and counseling…actually, I have heard the term deacons before but I don’t think I actually have any idea what they do…

I also at that event saw how far I have come with the church thing…whereas a year and a half ago I was spiraling out of control over it on occasion, I can now think about it and stuff without even feeling really sad about it…At the event I was given a lighter to light the candles around the room. It very quickly reminded me of my job at my old church at home of using matches to light all the candles for PSR, but instead of that throwing me into an emotionally painful experience, or even really bothering me much, I could look back at how happy I was then and make the current experience feel even better. It didn’t detract from the experience at all. That is how I know that I have really moved on…I am not sure if I moved on because too many bigger issues have taken over or if I really have accepted what happened, but I don’t think that distinction is super important…what is important to me right now is that I am no longer feeling hurt by that situation…perhaps I will one day find I am not as past it as I thought, but for now I am feeling really good about it. Time truly can make a huge difference…

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