Monthly Archives: December 2014

live like there’s no tomorrow

First of all, please pardon any typos…I am trying to blog from my phone. Today I did one of those things that makes me think of what brother used to tell me… that I am the dumbest smart person he knows. So I figured since I was out with my at home best friend that I’d just drive straight to work and hang out there…I figured I’d recognize how to get there. Anyone who knows me very well knows that is a laughable proposition. For starters, I have only ever driven about 1 or 2 miles on 35w ever and that was not in the area I was driving today. I got lucky and there was an exit labeled hospital. I am very much aware that there is more than one hospital in the area, but I took the exit. And started making random turns… and soon recognized where I was as being where I was when I got lost on August 1st. I was fortunate to discover layer that where I was was actually when I was back on track towards the hospital…and plus what better time to check the gas log and realize you are living dangerously than when you are in an area that even if you knew where a had station was you aren’t sure it is a safe area to stop…although says the girl who has no problem walking outside alone at night…in a city not exactly known for its safety.

And of course changing clothes in the car is one thing, but changing into clothes that are frozen from sitting in a cold car adds a new dimension of challenge to the game…

Today will be a great day though. I love my friend. I love my job. I only pay about $0.30/hour to park at work which is also awesome because no guilt in how early I am pretty much always…

I am not stupid…I just didn’t think this one through all the way…and living totally in perfect safety leads to a boring life. This adrenaline junky needs a tiny bit of living on the edge (carefully and in limited, controlled, amounts).

Don’t think I don’t hear

(don’t even try–Children 18:3)

Mostly if the radio is not playing music I am tuned out frustratedly waiting for the music to come back on…yeah, I have no use for talk radio, just give me my music…but that doesn’t mean I didn’t hear some pretty awesome stuff on the radio yesterday as I was driving to work…some guy was talking about fear and worry. Because I was trying to shove food in my mouth I couldn’t write things down until a little later so I didn’t get everything, but here were some highlights: Fear is misuse of creative thinking. People who worry are usually smarter than people who don’t worry. People who are not smart do not usually worry. Worry is when I think too much about how things are and too little about how I want things to be.

The guy on the radio also said that worry is the same as fear…which prompted an out burst from me “then why did BJ2AU tell me I was wrong when I mixed up those pictures?”…Speaking of those pictures though, I think the idea was good, but it didn’t end up working out very well…I usually need written words to learn, so a verbal description without notes to refer back to wasn’t going to be an effective way to teach me…and most of the things I was being told I was trying to memorize but didn’t understand well enough to apply…so once the emotion was identified I could spout back a few of the features that were associated with that emotion, but I couldn’t look at the paper and point out those features in order to identify the emotion…and I got frustrated super quickly of always having the wrong answer so I went online and looked at the pictures and created a cheat sheet. I started getting more answers correct, but it started becoming obvious that I had learned them in separate schemas when my reasoning for mixing up nervous and hurt was that the main difference between the two is the positioning of the hood on the sweatshirt…umm yeah…wrong answer…

I really liked that (the stuff {I heard on the radio) because when I was living in Anxietyland people often treated me as if I was stupid. Yes, I know what I was doing/thinking didn’t make sense from an outside perspective, but the fear was very real to me, and if it were as simple as people suggested it wouldn’t have been a problem…If it were truly as easy as going to my room and putting on lotion and magically my hands would stop bleeding and everything would be awesome don’t you think I would have done that already? Putting on lotion was in itself a process so as not to contaminate the lotion, and even that didn’t do much good since within five minutes it was probably going to be washed off again anyway. I did include using lotion regularly in my plans, but it did not work miracles…I know a lot of the things that scared me probably did seem stupid, but telling me it is stupid is not helpful or supportive…just sayin’ I don’t have a degree in psychology or anything, but nothing I’ve learned in my psych classes has promoted or even suggested telling someone they are dumb, or even implying it. Perhaps gently steering them to come to that conclusion (Softly) on their own, but certainly not anything close to directly.

I could win a stubbornness contest with a mule so I didn’t take stupid in as my identity; I will be the first to tell you that I am NOT stupid, but being treated as if I was kind of bothered me sometimes…so it felt really validating to hear that it is actually a sign that I am smart that I was struggling with anxiety. Although speaking of stubbornness and anxiety, everyone told me that micro was going to be really bad for my germ issues because everyone comes out of that class more worried about germs…not true…my conceptions about germs and how they work and everything was so set in stone at that time that nothing was going to convince me that there was danger in places I didn’t previously expect…so my fear was left pretty much unchanged and if anything it decreased the fear slightly by teaching me more about how well germs can be killed usually and how hard it is for them to set up infection…obviously since I was still fighting for my life back then it didn’t decrease the fear a lot, but I know it did help me fight back a little…

so yeah, anyway, I really thought the ideas presented on the radio were interesting and thought provoking…If fear is a misuse of creativity it makes me wonder if perhaps giving creativity another outlet would work to shut down the fear pathway…and the part about thinking about what is at the expense of what I want to be is so very true–very often I was so stuck on the immediate fear that when asked about the potential consequences I was at a loss…I just knew that I was scared…

I must have been distracted packing my lunch though because between lunch and dinner all that I packed was a bag of veggie sticks (the potato chip kind, not the actual vegetable kind), a clementine, and a bag of fried rice…luckily there was cake and donuts at work to make up for the missing calories…also, working late is not my favorite, but on the positive side, the past two nights I have been so exhausted that I slept all the way through the night without waking up between midnight and 3 needing a drink (that almost never happens)…and this morning I didn’t actually get off my lazy butt to even grab my computer until 7…that felt really strange, but it is kind of nice to not be so tired…

Peace out 🙂

Everyone is Known for Something What’s it Gonna be For You

(Only You– JJ Heller)

Oh my, this song is so amazing…

I think it helps explain why I adore my job so much. It is not just the amazing people I work with–I have amazing people to be around many places and also enjoy alone time. It is not just that this hospital is the best place for your worst case (i.e. one of the very best hospitals in the nation…we attract people from all over the country and world because of our high quality of care). Status doesn’t mean a lot to me–if it did I certainly would not have ended up at the school I am at. Sure, I am proud that my home state has the best test scores in the country, my school district has the highest scores in the state, and my high school is at the top of our district, but that doesn’t really mean much to me…you could have a state of the art school with the very best teachers, best building, best curriculum, best resources, best everything, but at the end of the day, we measure school success by how well the students are performing and if that school is filled with stupid unmotivated kids then the school will appear to be failing and we will deem their teaching methods and things as ineffective…  …and obviously my love of my job is not about the pay…if it were I certainly wouldn’t have worked nearly full time as a volunteer…and I wouldn’t work at school for free when I want to help people with things that I can’t get paid for…I just want to help out and have fun…one of my social media profiles states that my life goal is to make people happy, but even that is not fully why I love my job–there are also many moments in which I cannot please people in my job.

What I love is that even though I did not seek out hours in the inpatient pharmacy that word got out that I was in town and they sought me out for a few shifts. It is not my favorite working there since some of the people working there aren’t the greatest to work with and the shifts I get tend to be less convenient, but I still love it! The reason I love my job is that I am known. It is known that I am good at what I do. People see me walk in down there and are thrilled to see me. People I have seen only a couple times are excited to see me and look to me for answers. I don’t like being thought of as perfect, but I love being recognized for what I am capable of (and being asked to solve problems is pretty awesome since in upstairs pharmacy I am the one who has to rely on everyone else for problem solving).

I really like feeling known and accepted. In terms of feeling known there are a few things that stick out. I am known for succeeding academically most of the time. I have absolutely HATED that, especially in high school when regardless of what I was really thinking the only thing I ever got prayer for in Sunday school was school because the other girls would interject that before I got a chance to even try to say something for myself…and how I didn’t really have friends most of the time at school, except when a group project or partner exam was announced and working alone was not an option and suddenly everyone wanted to be my best friend (which may have also had something to do with the fact that I would do the entire project or test myself and then just put everyone’s name on the page and turn it in). I tried to hide it when I came to college–I left the shirt with my ACT score on it at home and tried to not talk about grades, but I was quickly found out…that didn’t make me feel known, because to me, good student was not a strong piece of my identity. I am also known for my bike. I LOVE my bike. It has suffered quite a bit of abuse, especially since I moved into my apartment and started leaving it outside in the courtyard 24/7, but the senior picture most people wanted was me and my bike…I also, seem to be known for being Christian…besides that I regularly go to church, am on leadership with Cru, volunteer at a counseling center funded by a church, and listen mainly to Christian music, I can tell I must be known for being Christian because I was invited to an introductory meeting for FCA on campus and I am most definitely not an athlete…I consider walking downstairs to get breakfast plenty of exercise for the day, and I haven’t actually been involved in sports since my freshman year of high school…and that was a pretty long time ago..

So yeah, if I were to choose what to be known for I am not sure exactly what it would be, but I adore this song…and my job…

“Are you the little girl who locks herself inside her room waiting to be rescued or are you the captain of a war that he began to prove his merit as a man? Everyone is known for something what’s it gonna be for you. Are you the picture of perfection but when it comes down to it you don’t have a clue or are you the center of attention at all times God help the man who takes away your chance to shine. Everyone is known for something what’s it gonna be for you. No one else can pay your portion with an unobstructed view. You’re the one who gets to choose how much of you you’ve gotta lose how much of you you get to gain. Who are you? Who are you? Everyone is known for something what’s it gonna be for you. No one else can pay your portion with an unobstructed view. Only you. Only you. What’s it gonna be?”

There are a few other things I could write about based on the lyrics of this song, but I am not stupid so I know that I would be in danger of saying something that could offend someone and therefore will elect not to write it…

Love is the Evidence

(Evidence–Citizen Way)

Obviously I love my job…what else would I, given the option, agree to stay up late for…I’ll stay up late for Cru, but that’s pretty much the only other thing I’ll stay up for…besides that it seems dumb to stay up late to study since that would just mean being extra tired and useless the next day (I don’t thrive on lack of sleep), I definitely am not willing to stay up late to study (I suppose in an emergency I may do it…I guess…)…sometimes I kind of wish there were some way I could work a lot but have my hours be early morning rather than late night…daytime hours would also be good…

It was kind of disappointing yesterday that I didn’t check my phone until 12ish, because if I’d checked it sooner I could have had a full shift…instead I worked one minute short of a 7 hour shift…and had an evening shift instead of a midshift…but whatevs…I learned how to call for a copy and started practicing counseling…

Also there was a fire alarm yesterday. It is really really loud when you are standing directly underneath of it…so it was really awesome when it stopped going off…after about 15 minutes…

Also there was ice cream cake yesterday which was awesome 🙂

…but you know what I definitely do not love (besides staying up late)?…belts…somehow two days ago I decided I should wear a green belt because my pants were off white and my shirt was red and it made me think of Christmas…and by the time I got home my belt was already un-fastened because it hurt…and somehow I didn’t learn my lesson and wore the belt again yesterday because it was already on my pants…me no likey 🙂 …although some of my pants kinda need it…

…well it is now lunch packing time so I don’t starve…

Let’s All Be Brave: Living Life With Everything You Have (An Unconventional Book Review)

…so hopefully this post will have a lot fewer typos than the last one…I was trying to pack my lunch and possibly dinner and eat snacks and finish the post and eat snacks and get my shoes on and my butt in the car and therefore did not edit it very adequately and did not notice how messy it was until hours later at which point I decided ppl could figure out what I meant so whatevs…

This time I am reviewing Annie‘s book Let’s All be Brave.
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I love Annie. She blogs over at the aptly titled blog Annie Blogs (Although she re-named it recently…but I am slow to adapt to re-naming sometimes…) I think I might have originally found her through Lynse Leanne (who seems to have deleted all her old posts and started writing posts that just don’t really connect with me anymore…) or Anne Jackson/Miller formerly of Flowerdust then Anne Jackson Writes and now AnneMarieMiller.com…and I think it was through Annie that I discovered (in)courage which I love and SheSeeks which I loved for a while and then they made changes and I no longer enjoyed it…but anyway, Annie is hilarious, honest, and relatable…

Let’s all be brave is about…drumroll please…being brave. Yep, no surprises there…but it isn’t about blind maybe stupid courage. It isn’t about telling everyone to go skydiving or to sell everything and move to another continent…It doesn’t even describe exactly what your brave should look like. What it does do is show what brave looks like everyday. It helps the reader recognize what bravery really is. It is pretty awesome…

I am pretty sure this book had a lower reading level than Atlas Girl which was super helpful for me…(Thank you Annie)…but it is not childish…It is Annie’s first adult book. She also is the author of From Head to Foot: All of You Living for All of Him. That book was also incredible when I read it a few years ago (if you are looking for it, it has been re-branded as Perfectly Unique. I like the cover better of From Head to Foot and know that the book can be checked out from the libraries in my home state)…

An awesome thing: sometimes love looks like sacrifice and feels like loss.

Also, Annie writes about singleness…

Also, this has very little to what Annie was writing about, but when I was reading the chapter called “the rhythm” I thought of a new perspective on OCD…obviously since this is something I came up with this morning, it is not at all scientifically backed…the older research says OCD is about doubt and impulsive repetitive behavior to make the thoughts stop…newer research says OCD is a product of the habit system going into overdrive…both of those make sense, but the way I saw it reading that chapter was OCD as a problem of inadequate trust and self-confidence. I don’t trust my body not to get sick so I NEED to help it by avoiding germs as much as possible and sanitizing anything sanitizable (and a few things that really aren’t like notebooks which do NOT appreciate hand sanitizer foam being poured on them, and do not really stay put in the sun very well…)…or I don’t trust myself to lock the door so I need to check over and over and over (that one I didn’t have, although a bit more concern may have been indicated the first week and a half of school this year…I don’t even want to think about how many times I came to my car and realized I had left the door unlocked or the window open or…umm…well…the door open…yeah…that happened…eventually I learned that even if it takes a couple extra seconds that it is definitely always a good idea to check the door/window before walking away…

So I was originally going to write a post called “I love I love I love I love I love…my job” (Hold Me–Jamie Grace)…I have always loved my job. It is pretty awesome. It is not what I want to be doing as a pharmacist, but as an intern I couldn’t ask for much else…I am now able to eat (as long as it is VERY quiet) and can excuse myself to go to the bathroom even if I is not an emergency and can even occasionally ASK for a lunch break instead of hoping I won’t be forgotten…and I have a pretty awesome manager who wanted to give me a raise last year and was foiled when they found out that I was actually registered as an intern rather than a tech (I didn’t think I needed the tech license/registration anymore…) but still fought for my pay to at least not go down too much (see, the intern pay scale starts significantly lower than the tech scale, and is supposed to start over every year rather than allowing for raises, so while I otherwise would have been moving up the tech scale, following the protocol would have sent me back to the bottom of the intern scale…)…so yeah, basically I love my job…and I really don’t do it for the pay…I was doing it pretty much full time for free (except for occasional lunches) for my month-ish long winter break first year, and had been there at least weekly since partway through high school…and they wanted so much to be able to pay me that a few weeks into the summer after first year I took a cut in responsibilities in order to be hired (I went from 97% of my time being tech-ing to 95% of my time being working the store…which was amazing, but it was even more amazing when they got the approval to get me into tech-ing for pay…although I still probably would do it for free…(I am not economically savvy)…

Bringing it back to being brave, I have a confession to make of a lack of bravery yesterday. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to be working until 4 or until 8ish…so I decided I didn’t want to just show up if I wasn’t supposed o be there so I decided I would call and check before doing it…which would have been a reasonable plan, but then it came time to make the decision and I decided I didn’t want to be a nuisance and interrupt my manager’s Sunday afternoon…umm, I have her cell phone number and I also could have just checked in and seen if I was needed…but I didn’t…I was not brave. I am not proud of this, but it is also not a failure. Like my beautiful online friend Kati Morton from Healthy Mind Healthy Body often says, “it is a process not perfection.” It is okay if some of my choices are not brave…I don’t want to slip back into social anxiety, but it is okay if sometimes I leave parts of my communication skills at home (as long as it is not paralyzing and doesn’t happen frequently…I am quite content, but do not want to slide backwards…Now that I have glimpsed the bigger world I will no longer be content with the status quo that I accepted as totally normal for so long…if you want to find Kati she is on pretty much every social media site there is and runs her own social media site with forums and chatting and stuff at Katimorton.com …(except I don’t think she’s on spring.me, but I’m not sure and might be wrong)…

So anyway, as with Atlas Girl, if anyone would like to be the proud new owner of Let’s All Be Brave or would like to borrow it or knows someone who’d like it, please let me know!!

Atlas Girl: Finding Home in the Last Place I Thought to Look (An Unconventional Book Review)

…so I came home with a pile of books that I wanted to either finish reading or both start and finish reading…but who am I kidding, my reading comprehension level is low enough that even if I’d started I needed to start over and read straight through faster to give myself at least half a chance of following the storyline…

but I thought it might be kind of fun to try to write a book review…first up: Emily Wierenga‘s Atlas Girl.atlas girl

Emily Wierenga is a pretty awesome person and talented writer. She blogs on (in)courage, on her own personal blog, and guest posts all over the place…

Atlas Girl was a really good book. To be honest, I struggled to understand what was going on, because I rocked at reading comprehension when that just meant being able to find the part of the story where they said what color boots the character was wearing, but when it started meaning more than that around middle school or so my reading comprehension level tanked and I don’t think I ever really caught up with my peers…it probably doesn’t really help that I used to read books a lot but then later in high school I transitioned to a combination of both books and the internet, and then I went to college where the only books I was reading for the most part were for school…but anyway, all that to say if I was struggling to understand but stuck with it and loved the book then it must be an incredible book. The book is written in that way where it goes back and forth from childhood to adulthood and back again over and over which I am not usually a fan of, but it worked pretty well.

The book is about choosing love, choosing healing, choosing restoration. It is about choosing to let go of your lifeline to reach out for something even more important and wonderful. It is about finding home, finding community, loving and letting others in to love you. It is about seeing the church as God meant it to be.

A repeating theme in the second-ish half of the book that was really awesome was SHMILY (not a typo). It stands for “See How Much I Love You.” The concept was basically write a note to someone that just says shmily and leave it for them so they see it and smile…because you love them enough to think of the and leave the note…that was kind of a cool idea…IDK if I’ll implement it seeing as how I am not sure I have anywhere to leave notes for most of the people who mean the world to me, but it is definitely one of those things that will be catalogued in my mind for someday…

This book touches on anorexia, cancer, and international missions…oh, and babies get born!! Speaking of babies, last week someone asked me if I was a preschool teacher and when I said no they said I should be…I thought about it, and while I think I would love it and be good at it, I don’t think that is for me. For one thing, that would leave me always missing out on my favorite part of child development (early infancy), and also it would be hard for me to let go, because I know not everyone’s kindergarten experience is like mine was (I came home one day and stated that I thought there’d be more kids in my class–as it turned out, unbeknownst to my parents, my teacher had been having me tested because she didn’t know what to do with me…the results were falsified by the person testing me because there was no reason I shouldn’t stay in my kindergarten class…and then one day I got really upset at home because my mom kept having me donate really cool things to the classroom for playtime and I never got to use it because my teacher took away my playtime for me to read books and write reports…which was awful, because I didn’t know how to pick books (and didn’t know about commas separating the sections of numbers) so I remember reading a book about Australia because I thought it was about kangaroos and it was so dumb because not only was it not about kangaroos, but they didn’t even know if the population was 0 (000) or 903…and I read a book of chemistry experiments and had to write about my favorite part, least favorite part, and about one of the characters–umm except are there even characters in this book??)…and while I can sort of maybe see myself possibly as a preschool teacher on the side, I think I would feel empty if that was all I did full time, because I am pretty sure I am intended to be a pharmacist…

So anyway, I got this book for free online, so I would definitely love to give it away or loan it to anyone who would like to read it or who knows anyone who would enjoy reading it…and if you know me in real life, you know that the book is pretty much in like new condition still 🙂 …and anyone who has seen my room at home knows I don’t need any more books on my shelf, and anyone who has seen my room at school knows it is sort of overflowing with all of my treasures, so don’t be shy if you would like to own this book or would like to give it to someone else to enjoy…

Circumstances change your mind

(Emily–Francesca Battistelli)

It was recently the two year anniversary of the shooting in Newtown Connecticut. Two years ago I was in the same place I am right now (on my bed in front of the computer) researching everything I could possibly find out about the situation…and then researching schools with a social work degree. I was a second year and for the first time I had been thinking about what I could do with my life if I wasn’t a pharmacist. This started as an extremely frustrating assignment over break–all I had ever wanted to be was a pharmacist. If you had asked me when I was really little what I wanted to be you wouldn’t get the answer of a mom or a princess or a ballerina…I had no idea. I didn’t know what I wanted to be…and I had plenty of time to figure that out…I wasn’t going to be old for a long time. 🙂 One day my mom asked me if I’d like to be a pharmacist. I immediately rejected that idea; The hospital is open 24 hours and I need to sleep (Yeah, I was the strange child who thought of a pharmacist as working at a hospital rather than as someone who worked at a Walmart or Walgreens or something…). Once I found out that I didn’t actually have to work all day just because the hospital was open all day I agreed that that was what I wanted to do, as if I had wanted it forever but hadn’t thought it was a possibility. By fourth grade I was dedicated to pharmacy and ready to tell everyone that was what I was going to do when I grew up. I am pretty sure it was fourth grade when I shadowed for the first time. My commitment to pharmacy never wavered…nothing was going to change that…anyway, I don’t think there is too much more I can say about that without revealing more than I’d like to in this forum about my whereabouts, and that isn’t what I intended to write about anyway…

So why in the world was I looking for something else? Well I could give a direct answer to that question, but I’d rather start a bit over a year before that…I was a first year. To pull me in to the school that I ended up attending I was told that if I took certain courses my first semester there were certain classes that I could use external credits to cover…but after an average of a meeting every week for awhile, sometimes multiple meetings in the same day, I found myself in the dean’s office…and I went into this meeting expecting it to be about giving me the official decision that yes, I did have credit for those courses and could move on and finally be done with all these meetings…I was almost done with meetings after this, but the meeting was actually to tell me that they decided I couldn’t have those credits…which wouldn’t have been nearly so devastating, but the dean’s words to me were that I “was taking the baby way out” (by suggesting that I take more difficult classes and take classes all summer…umm how is that being a baby–my proposal would have actually required that I work much harder than the average student) and that there was no reason for me to be at this school and even try because I was “just going to fail the interview anyway.” Well, obviously when I got the information about the interview the next year I was scared. I was a girl who barely spoke to her closest friends, and was being faced with speaking to strangers, and while I otherwise would have been pretty confident in my ability to get through it because I have always made it through crucial conversations, the dean’s words echoed through my mind and I was scared. I enlisted the help of my counselor to practice for the interview. I didn’t know at the time that as long as you show up you automatically pass, and I don’t know if she doubted my ability or just thought that perhaps it was not normal to have absolutely no conceptualization of what I would do if I didn’t pass the interview, but she wanted me to come up with a plan. I was not yet really using spoken word with her and couldn’t even usually assert myself enough to present written word, so I couldn’t express that this was a totally overwhelming task, but I was upset and frustrated, because didn’t she know that this was the only thing I wanted? Once I get my heart set on something, I don’t let go…you could be creating a change that is arguably better for me, but if I have already planned my life around what I thought was happening, I may very well melt down over the change…I don’t do change well unless I can be in the middle of the chaos…

So anyway, at first I was still very much tied to becoming a pharmacist and all my ideas involved either trying the interview again or going to the school that I had originally planned to go to in the first place, or maybe going to the school I thought I was going to until high school…but at all of these schools the only degree program I was at all interested in was pharmacy…but deep down I kind of knew that this was cheating and I was supposed to be coming up with an alternative career. Then Newtown happened. I knew I strongly desired to help children, and that further stirred that desire, and I thought maybe I would like to be a child life specialist. I looked up what kind of degree it took to become a child life specialist and determined that I would get a bachelor’s in social work. Through my research I think I might have ultimately ended up with something besides child life specialist as what I wanted to do with that degree when I graduated, but I don’t remember what that was, and that is not important to the story…side note though, I took the what career were you made for quiz on facebook today and it told me I was made for a therapist…I was a little disappointed that I didn’t get pharmacy, but apparently I really was on to something with social work.

Anyway, so the Newtown anniversary means more to me than just another shooting. I totally agree with the people doing things to remember and grieve in memorial of this, but there is one movement that I very much disagree with. There are some people who are suing the seller of the type of gun used in the shooting. That is ridiculous on so many levels. First of all, the makers of the gun did absolutely nothing wrong. How should have they known that a killer would use their gun to do this? And it doesn’t really matter what kind of gun he had. He was likely going to use whatever gun was available for the shooting, so it really has no bearing on the situation what type of gun he ended up with. Although I know I can’t hold non-Christians up to the same standards, what happened to love your neighbor as yourself? The gun people didn’t want this to happen anymore than you did, and now you are attempting to tear their lives apart over something they had absolutely no responsibility or control over. That is ridiculous and that is why our world has so many issues–people keep getting away with blaming other people who weren’t even involved for things that happened or sometimes even things that might not have even happened…If everyone could just grow up and treat others as they would like to be treated we wouldn’t have so many issues like this. I recognize that sometimes people make mistakes, and those mistakes might hurt other people, but two wrongs don’t make a right, and I am pretty sure it is enough work to sue somebody that you don’t just impulsively and accidentally sue someone…especially when it is a group effort–getting a whole group of people involved takes some advanced planning and coordination and I have a hard time believing that a large number of people could all make the same mistake all at the same time…

Another problem: guns are not the problem…If the killer wanted to cause trouble he would have done it whether a gun was available or not. Guns do not kill people…or at least they seem not to.

Yesterday I placed my shotgun on the front porch, gave it six shells, and noticing it had no legs, placed it in a wheelchair to help it get around. I left it alone and went about my business.
While I was gone, the mailman delivered my mail, the boy across the street picked up my yard, a girl walked her dog down the street, and quite a few cars stopped at the stop sign near my house.
After 10 hours, I checked on the shotgun. It was still sitting in the wheelchair. It had not rolled outside and It had not killed anyone in spite of many opportunities that had been presented. It had not even loaded itself.
Can you imagine how surprised I was with all the hype about how dangerous guns are and how they kill people? Either the media is wrong and the killing is by people misusing guns or I'm in possession of the laziest gun in the world. So now I'm off to check on my spoons, because I hear they make people fat.
Donald K. Martin, Windsor Locks

(This is from http://articles.courant.com/2013-03-19/news/hcrs-13129hc–20130316_1_guns-people-front-porch)

I am not in any way saying people have a right to guns…I don’t really understand why anyone should ever have a gun at home…seems to me that if shooting ranges and summer camps (and obviously the military) were the only places that guns were available we’d have a lot fewer problems with them…because I really hope you are not intending to shoot a gun in your suburban neighborhood or in your crowded city streets…just sayin’…yeah, bad guys will find a way to get what they want in any case, but we don’t need to make it so easy for them…I mean, it is kind of like saying that teens without a license are more likely to get into accidents but they are going to be driving anyway on their permits so we might as well just give them all a license and access to a car…umm no, their parents have been driving them around for 15 years, it is not so much to ask for them to be present in the car for one more year to try to protect the teen…

I am a War Already Won

(Revolution–Starfield)

…And with that, my OCD alert radar is on red…

I wish I had someone I could both trust fully and be around enough to mimic healthy germ behavior…I am not working much this break, but I worked yesterday. I don’t think I have worked my actual assigned job since May–possibly June. I was there for years before I could even eat my own lunch in the back room there, much less eat snacks or anything (social fears originally and then later in combination with germs), and it is kind of weird going back when the last time I was there I still could very rarely eat anything even if it was offered to me, and it makes me feel like I am not quite in my place…I love it, and the cookie I had yesterday from N was great, but I guess I just don’t know how to fit in now. Also, aside from the cookies and treats that were just out for eating like always (that I still am not ready to just take because of how long I didn’t eat anything, and breaking out of patterns is hard and I considered taking some on my own, but didn’t want it enough for the effort…), they were doing a cookie exchange. At first I felt a little left out that I wasn’t included, but when everyone started talking and I found out they’d been passing around more than just cookies lately, I didn’t feel nearly so left out. Apparently, they have also been passing around some nasty germs and almost everyone’s family has taken a turn with the germs, and on top of that flu and ILI are extremely high activity right now and the emergency rooms are seeing record numbers of people and apparently some other area hospitals have had to close their emergency rooms because they just don’t have anywhere to put any more patients, so everyone is also talking about how it is a miracle we don’t all have the flu.

I need to make it clear that I do not think the people I work with have OCD, but I do know that many of them are very germ-conscious…and even when I did have OCD some of the things they worried about regularly were things that usually didn’t bother me (like stripping upon arriving home from work/school due to the germs on clothing–for me, work was a problem, but not school…although I did do this when my friend got sick last year) (many things they could do were things I struggled with extremely…so it more than balanced out)…so it was a really good environment to hide the OCD because everyone was sanitizing the counters and registers, and N who I worked most closely with for a while would encourage hand washing after touching people’s paper prescriptions and after touching money (I think N was probably a bad influence on me when I was struggling with OCD because so many of the germs conscious things she did were things I hadn’t thought about, and some of the concepts rubbed off on me…)…

Anyway, so hearing them talk about sickness sort of turned on my germ radar…which in turn flipped the switch on my OCD radar. I can still eat without washing my hands, don’t sanitize the room when I go on break, and can even drive and touch my phone and everything without a problem or even washing my hands on my way out…but now I am aware of the germ danger. I know I am not doing any compulsions, and I know I am not really in distress, but it makes me nervous now to even be worried or thinking about germs, because it was so awful living with OCD, and I never want to experience that again (although I still do posit that living with OCD wasn’t as bad as living with some of the stuff I am dealing with now, but obviously sinking into OCD again isn’t going to fix things at school…)…I am , understandably, concerned when I start worrying at all about germs, because I have experienced first hand how short the path is from slightly worried about germs to exceedingly anxious and paralyzed by fear (and how long the path is the other direction)…I also know, however, that in the past if something was going to bother me, it would become a huge impossible obstacle immediately and over time I’d get over it, so if this started with not a big deal and especially if it has stayed there for 24 hours, then chances are that I will not find myself drowning in fear, but to me it is now of even more importance to keep tabs on any OCD-like behavior or thoughts, because I do NOT want to ever give OCD a chance to steal my life away again, so I want to catch it before havoc is wreaked…(although I suppose I may at some point need to be sure not to become the girl who cried wolf, but that is the least of my concerns right now).

Your Power Your Peace Your Truth and Greatness

(Anything to be With You–Stephanie Pauline)

Oh my, this song just reminds me of intense emotion which is kind of what I wanted to write about here…

So excitement: I walked out of the P’col final thinking I could have gotten 100%…I didn’t…I actually got over 100%, and I didn’t even know that was possible! I walked out of the T1 final thinking oh no, I needed 81.81% (exactly) to keep my grade…but I knew I didn’t know the exact answer to a good number of the questions…word vomit is most likely what saved me on the free response, but the multiple choice part I didn’t think was going to get me there…but I got an 88%…and I will be the first to tell you that I did not prepare very appropriately for Med Chem and it showed when I was taking the exam (umm hello problem requiring a periodic table that I failed to print and bring to the exam…) but I still had retained enough information to get 90% on the exam (thank God…)…which means the only grades I am still waiting on are my mol bio grade (also wasn’t very well prepared…too much friend time and perhaps not enough studying) and my summer rotation grade…

And then intense frustration…I removed the name of the student for privacy reasons, but the teacher that this student is referring to is an excellent teacher who is willing to take extra time to work with students if they do not understand anything or have questions (I should know–I didn’t actually have him for lecture, but frequently went to his office hours to ask questions and check my work…and one day I attended his class and it made me wish I had taken his section of that class…and I might have taken his lab section in the spring, but I don’t really remember for sure on that detail…) but anyway, besides that, I know for certain he is on facebook, and even if he weren’t there are enough other faculty/staff on facebook that could easily show this teacher…I am horrified and offended at the way people talk about teachers on facebook with such disrespect…and this is just one tiny example of the invasive problem…we have admins from the school in (most) groups (I think it is the current fifth years but possibly it is the current sixth years decided that they didn’t want an admin from the school so their solution was to hide the group from the school and pretend it doesn’t exist–so umm, if you are from school, you didn’t hear that from me…but if you can’t see it then probably outsiders won’t see it either anyway…)…but the admins never really get involved in actually monitoring the page…they lay ground rules and never actually enforce or follow up on them and people know that so the rules mean nothing to people…so yeah…this is what frustrated me…this bothers me