I’d be packing my bags when I need to stay

(Me Without You–Tobi Mac)

Okay, so this is going to need to be super short because I have a super important exam tomorrow, but this is something I need to write, because if I don’t I will just keep writing it in my head and not get anything done anyway…

So today at community group I was thinking about how much c**p I have put up with and how for so long I just let everyone push me around, and when I finally tried to stand up for myself I was in over my head and so powerless that nothing could happen anyway so yeah…anyway, I was listening to the song Me Without You on the radio as I was driving home, and it really struck me that without the people that have come along side me recently that I would be packing up my bags and going home-home, but that is not where I am supposed to be. I have wanted to be a pharmacist since I was in fourth grade, so I am pretty sure God wants me to actually get through this…Although I am not afraid to say that there are some people at school who are not nice and can make school a living hell at times (sorry, not appropriate, but it needs saying), the reason I would be packing up without the good people in my life is not that I would have had enough and just left–This girl is more stubborn than a mule in January and does NOT give up easily, so giving up is not on the table–but I would have been packing up because I would have been flunking out of school. These people are not giving me homework help or encouraging study time–in fact, they are using up time when truly I probably ought to be studying or have other places to be, but without these people to come along side me and care about me, I would not be able to study in the time I have left. I have been dealing with some particularly awful life situations since early summer, and I will probably never forget the first week of this school year when I was so upset and so lonely that in the entire first week of school I read one paragraph, because the rest of the time I was crying or trying really hard not to cry. It was humiliating, humbling, and not fun…but slowly as I opened up a support network of friends formed around me, and have been there to encourage me when life seems hopeless, and today I was thinking about how blessed I am to have so many amazing people in my life…I may not have the people that used to be my friends, and that will leave a permanent mark on my heart, but I have so many other people…I still have the security guard who brings her daughter’s backpack with the pink circles on it to school who says hello to me in the morning and brought me Kleenex one day when I was crying really hard and didn’t make it to the car or the bathroom before the tears started coming hard…I still have the beautiful cafeteria worker who is so sweet and will have a conversation with me whenever she sees me (and we can just skip how she was part of the reason I couldn’t branch out and try anything new in the cafeteria, because that wasn’t really her fault, and I never really cared–it was really only other people that cared that I was eating the same thing all the time…but yeah, when I was ready to try something else she made such a big deal out of it that I decided I was never trying that again for a long time…)…and I have a beautiful friend who reminds me whenever she sees me that I have been dealt a really rotten hand and am way more positive than I should be considering that…and I have someone who doesn’t mind that I use volunteering as an escape from school…and basically, with all the things I am dealing with, I am so glad that I have all these people who really care about me (and if you feel like you care about me and don’t see yourself in the list, that totally doesn’t mean I don’t see it or don’t care–I just am not naming names and do not have the time to mention every single person)…

Anyway, I am glad I have these people, because while it would be better if I could just spend more time studying, I tried that and was crashing hard core and not getting more studying done–I need these people in my life right now in order to have the strength to keep going…because I decided second year that if I didn’t make it at STLCOP, I wanted to be a social worker. I am not really sure why I chose that and not another pharmacy school…I actually after thinking about it more seriously do think that it is something that I would really enjoy and something that I could be good at, and something I may consider going back to school for somewhere down the line, but for now, I am fairly certain that God put me here to be a pharmacist, so I am going to stay and do whatever it takes to reach that.

And with that, I really need to go to bed, and then I need to study, because I got not nearly enough done this weekend (unless you count obsessively reading birth stories or hanging out with people productive) and last night I did not sleep (not intentionally–I was just in too much (physical) pain despite being in bed for nine hours to fall asleep…I know that is a problem, and I know that the exhaustion I face all day from that isn’t helping me, but I am making the best out of what I have which right now is about 40 hours of being awake…and the pain now is to a point that pain meds bring it to a level that is going to allow me to sleep when I get the rest of the way to my apartment…oh, and don’t worry about me, I am not doing anything harmful to my body, I am just one of those girls for whom if I ever give birth that labor will be just like having cramps only with a baby instead of only a pile of laundry…and I am SO thankful that I no longer deal with the OCD and can therefore take pain meds whenever I want them, because I don’t even know how I did this when I wasn’t taking anything…although I ran out today of chewable pain meds which could be a problem since when the pain is really bad I can’t keep anything in my mouth long enough to use adult medicine…)and with that I am pretty sure I am rambling and am just going to stop here, and post this completely unedited because I need to go to bed, and there aren’t good enough railings on the stairs in my apartment to pull myself up with just my arms so besides for the sleep I need to go while I still feel like there is enough strength in my legs…see ya!! Have a great night!! Sleep tight. Don’t let the bed bug louse or tick suck blood from you or lay it’s larvae on you, alright? (Science Verse)

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