When my World is Shaking Heavan Stands

(Your Hands–JJ Heller)

I need to focus on school, so I can’t write a lot about any one topic, but there are a variety of things on my mind…and it will only be very mildly edited…

Oh my, so I had a really strange encounter. I parked my car and saw someone who for some reason struck me as someone I should avoid so I stayed in my car a couple seconds to wait for him to pass, but he flagged me down in my car so I opened the window and talked with him. He told me he was gay and not to hate him and then asked directions to walk to the airport. I told him that it was too far to walk, and he told me his car was out of gas, so I gave directions to the gas station and he said something I didn’t really understand about why he couldn’t go there, and asked for directions to walk to the airport, which I again reiterated that it was too far to walk. This went on for quite some time and at one point he suggested that he give me his keys and then I could give him directions to walk to the airport…and after around 15 minutes of this he said fine so you hate gays and he walked away. I felt really bad because I really wanted to be able to help the guy, but could only understand like half of what he was saying and he didn’t seem to be getting what I was saying, and whether or not he was gay had nothing to do with it. I do not hate gays, and for all I cared, he could have been having sex with stray cats; his sexuality had nothing to do with whether or not I could help him…but anyway, he also kind of made me nervous—I don’t know what it was about him, but something about him made me not feel safe, so I waited until he was way past me before I unlocked my car door and got out. Probably I was making something out of nothing, but in the world we live in, it is sometimes better to be safe than sorry (although that makes me think of the title of a blog post I read once that was “when better safe than sorry is a lie”). I would rather trust my intuition and judge someone as unsafe and keep my distance than to assume that there is no danger and end up either raped, dead, or robbed.

I really do not want to get anyone in trouble, but I also want people to act the way they should, so I want teachers to do things that make people accountable so that they won’t cheat…so today I told a teacher about the way I was about 99.5% sure someone had been cheating. I didn’t want to get anyone in trouble, so I didn’t name any names, but then the teacher wanted the name, so I kinda had to give it. I was worried, because I didn’t want to get anyone in trouble. Apparently she, too, was suspicious of cheating in this student…but I was so relieved that she does not intend to bring it to the attention of the honor code people because the student did not admit to cheating when questioned…Oh my, after that I was so glad when it seemed like he was going to tell another student what he did and then saw me and stopped what he was saying…’cause if I heard him admit it, my sense of right and wrong wouldn’t let me not say something, and I can’t control the consequences…I want the consequences to match the crime, and honestly, I do not trust that to happen if it goes through “the system.” I guess I would rather someone have no punishment and maybe no learning from it at all rather than be punished far beyond what the crime deserves, and sometimes people get off way too easily at school, but occasionally, they are punished far too harshly for innocent mistakes and I do not want anyone to suffer…but if you have been getting lousy grades all semester and then take a quiz almost a week after some other people have taken it and your page not only has correct answers but is worded identically to the answer key, that is pretty suspicious…with an extra week to study I was willing to let that slide, but when the next exam had answers that matched the answer key—including mistakes that were on the key up until partway through the exam when the key was edited, that is the last straw that forces my conscience to let the teacher know that something is going on…I hate getting people in trouble…so when I heard that the teacher had let someone else know even though she wasn’t going to tell the honor code people, I freaked out until I realized that the other person was a lab instructor—okay, I know that person, and trust it most likely won’t go to the honor code through that person either…

A couple days ago I missed when I was throwing and catching my water bottle and it squished…I thought it was totally fine, just a little dented…I mean, it was a high quality water bottle so I figured it could handle a little abuse…but I guess I was wrong. Over the past few days it has seemed a little leaky…and this morning it was almost full when I put it in my backpack, but when I took out a notebook later the notebook was soaked…so I figured I forgot to put the cap all the way back on, because I am kind of space-y sometimes and really would forget my head at home if it weren’t attached sometimes, but the cap was tightly on…but when I picked it up, it was obviously dripping continuously, and was mostly empty…That was unfortunate. I really liked that water bottle…but things like that are not intended to last forever…I looked at baby water bottles at Walgreens because I figured I have seen those get thrown and dropped over and over and be totally fine, but then I looked at the price and decided a big girl water bottle that I already own would be a better choice…

My body reacts badly to caffeine, and that is unfortunate because I really enjoy the taste of coffee and pop, so I decided this semester that I was going to force my body to like caffeine…I figured I’d do it the way that is not a recommended treatment for allergies: by constantly exposing myself to small amounts at a time…so I knew that I could eat chocolate candy with no problem so knew that marginal amounts I could handle, so I started at 5mL once a day and gradually worked up until I started drinking half a cup of pop in the morning…and quickly determined that was a horrible idea and I had not fixed it…I am still very willing to occasionally have caffeine when I want it in moderated amounts, but I am going to go back to avoiding it most of the time…I guess I’ll never be normal…not that normal was really ever an option since I cannot stand the smell of alcoholic beverages…yep, I said it…I don’t wanna be “that girl” and I promise I don’t think I am better than anyone who drinks alcohol—that is not what this is about—I just personally hate the smell and therefore am not interested in trying it. I am also very willing to put up with the smell if other people want it, I do not want other people to have to accommodate me…but I am really glad that my year of being 21 ended, because now I can truthfully (if a bit misleadingly) say that I am not 21 if I am feeling pressured to try alcohol…obviously that won’t work once someone realizes I am clearly above rather than below 21, but it at least buys me a little bit of an excuse…but anyway, the tolerance to caffeine did develop just a little bit—I still feel nausea/get a headache with caffeine, but it is not as intense as it used to be, and I am not sure if that is relating to the fact that the nausea doesn’t freak me out thus putting my SNS into overdrive, or if it is truly a lessened reaction to caffeine itself, but either way, I kinda like it.

Today I re-took an exam. I was hoping it would go better since I keep the new grade regardless of how I do…I don’t think it went better, in fact it may have gone worse…what I do know is that it went differently. I was under the impression that the re-take would be a completely different exam, but it was actually an identical exam…I know that some questions I got wrong the first time I got right this time, but there were more questions than I would like to admit on which I looked at the question and said to myself, umm that is supposed to be a question you know by the obvious factor…but my brain just shut down and totally could not remember the answer to the question…oh well…I don’t think I did a LOT worse…and I still have the final…I think I just signed away my chance at a good grade in that class and perhaps I shouldn’t have tried it—I know I could have done a lot with the time I put into re-taking that exam—but at the end of the day, I did take it, and I went into it knowing I was taking a chance at decreasing my grade even though my goal was to put myself on better footing going into the final…we’ll see…

Don’t read the next paragraph…I prob should have saved it for my journal, but I didn’t and I have better things to do with my time than to copy it there…
Today I saw someone and usually when I see this person the primary thought in my mind is get me out of here Right Now Right Now, because I do not like her, she is not a good person to be around, and she carries bad memories for me…but today I saw her, and my thought was a tiny bit of cringe followed by telling myself that she is a person who deserves just as much love and respect and grace as anyone else in the world…and while I would much prefer living in an alternate universe where I didn’t need to learn to co-exist with her, I can definitely appreciate the progress made in that arena. It certainly helps that she has been respecting my space a lot more and I no longer feel like no matter what I do I cannot escape her, but I am fairly certain that part of that is true progress…and that makes me happy. No one has the right to hurt me as much as I allowed myself to be hurt by her, and by letting her continue to make me upset it felt like I was continuing to have her power exerted over me, and that was just making me feel like a failure for not being able to keep from being upset by her…so it is super awesomesauce that things are going better in that arena…I certainly am not going to seek her out, and IDK when I will feel comfortable again in the cafeteria without worrying about her coming in and sitting too close to me for comfort, but I know now that even if that happens again it will not necessarily push me nearly as far as it has in the past…for I am a new creation the old has gone the new has come  …I am a big girl who is not going to be the world’s doormat anymore…God called me to serve others, but not to let others use me or throw me away.

I have always wanted to adopt or maybe foster, and because early infancy is my absolute favorite stage of child development, it probably wouldn’t surprise you that from birth adoption is the direction I wanted to go…I have also wanted it to be a domestic adoption—I don’t need the child to look like me, but it seems so wasteful and self-serving to go across the world to adopt a child when there are so many children in need right here in the United States who need families just as much as the glorified international children awaiting adoption…also somewhere along the line I became interested in special needs adoption…so with all this on my mind, it is hard to imagine myself needing to create a bio child…I certainly do not want to be octo-mom. But like I kind of mentioned, I have been super into birth stories recently and spent countless hours reading them, and as I read, I have been struck by how beautiful the process of bringing new life into the world is, and now that nausea doesn’t freak me out, getting pregnant actually seems like a possibility…so now I kind of want to adopt my own children, but maybe be a surrogate for someone who would like to have bio kids but for some medical reason cannot safely have a pregnancy but can donate the egg and has a partner who can donate the sperm to fertilize the egg…oh my, all the plans I make in advance…something tells me that these are the kind of plans that are probably not going to happen, and that is going to be okay…
There is something else I kind of want to write about, but at the same time I am not sure I want to write about it, so I am just going to leave it at: there are some things that are just really hard to deal with, but I am strong and I am not going to be crushed by things that no one is interested in fixing for me…God grant me the power to change the things I can change, peace to accept the things I cannot, and the wisdom to know the difference…


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