Let the Chains Fall Away Starting Today…I’m finally free

(Finally Free–Nichole Nordeman)

Finished my last final of the semester today. Don’t know my grades, but good or bad the world continues to turn…although if it is really bad I may prefer that it would stop, but the world doesn’t revolve around me, so it won’t (probably).

Oh my, it might have seemed ordinary yesterday. Just a girl jamming to the radio. Perhaps listening to her favorite song or something judging by the smile on her face. Obviously having a good time based on the giggle in her voice. But it wasn’t ordinary. Yesterday I was singing to the song “Show Me Your Glory” and it felt so good. That song has been a really challenging reminder for me of a really hard situation that happened years ago. As recently as June, it was really hard…a shortened excerpt from my journal then:

“Nothing left but scars fight after fight…and it makes me wonder the older I get will I get over it…those cutting words built up their defenses never made no sense it just made me hurt. Do you believe that time heals all wounds? It started getting better but it’s easy not to fight…I should’ve weathered the storm…I wish it didn’t hurt like this. It’s been way too long…I can’t believe it still hurts like this.” This song really speaks to my heart….I have come a long way in the road towards acceptance, but I have not arrived yet. Sometimes it is still very raw and painful. Sometimes I still desperately miss the things I lost when I had to leave [my old church], and I still mourn the life I would have had if I had not been forced to leave…the song that always triggers me came on the radio and I am breathing really hard as I try to get rid of the surge of adrenaline. It was on less than two seconds before I got it off, but even that short clip started tearing open all the wounds in my heart that I have tried so hard to pretend do not exist.

So with how easy it was to throw me over the edge as recently as this summer, it is so incredible that I could enjoy that song yesterday as I drove. I loved the song, and even more than that, I loved that I loved it. It was amazing. I am not really sure what allowed to me to finally move on and be able to have that joyous moment…I know I haven’t spent much time trying to force myself to get over it or anything, but I am so thankful that I could enjoy that song. It used to be so meaningful for me. It was a reminder of a celebration for my youth pastor officially becoming a pastor, until I was torn away from that church and that song reminded me of the pain…the way I described it was that I had a paper heart that had been carefully folded over and over trying to be held on to, but the constant folding and hanging on had caused the paper to weaken so as a final measure of protection I started taping the sides together, large child-like pieces of tape adhering the edges I so desperately wanted to hold together…but inevitably they two sides had to separate, and instead of neatly separating and having two beautiful although separate chapters of life, the tape caused the tear to break my heart into messy scattered pieces that could never sit gently next to each other. And it hurt. I wanted the pieces to be forced back together, and they wouldn’t fit and would never make a cohesive whole heart again. I didn’t want to see what was; I was trying to go back to what could have been…

Mostly unrelated but another good things that happened last night: I was talking with some of my KH friends last night, and I discovered a possible explanation for something that’s been a huge question mark for me for a long time…First year my counselor knew I was really frustrated with her before I told her, and the only explanation I could think of was that the other counselor I tried to get help from must have told her, but there wasn’t a note in my file about that so I was really wondering where that came from, but my friend C mentioned that she was really used to being able to talk about clients however she wanted to in supervision, and it clicked for me that despite them being different years in school that perhaps they were in the same supervision group…there are details that don’t quite line up about that theory—like the time I was told I needed to try harder to make friends my own age when someone hearing about me in supervision should have known that try harder was not going to solve severe social anxiety because I was already fighting so hard just to get as far as saying hi five times in a week…but it made me feel good to at least have a maybe explanation…so yeah…

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