Don’t think I don’t hear

(don’t even try–Children 18:3)

Mostly if the radio is not playing music I am tuned out frustratedly waiting for the music to come back on…yeah, I have no use for talk radio, just give me my music…but that doesn’t mean I didn’t hear some pretty awesome stuff on the radio yesterday as I was driving to work…some guy was talking about fear and worry. Because I was trying to shove food in my mouth I couldn’t write things down until a little later so I didn’t get everything, but here were some highlights: Fear is misuse of creative thinking. People who worry are usually smarter than people who don’t worry. People who are not smart do not usually worry. Worry is when I think too much about how things are and too little about how I want things to be.

The guy on the radio also said that worry is the same as fear…which prompted an out burst from me “then why did BJ2AU tell me I was wrong when I mixed up those pictures?”…Speaking of those pictures though, I think the idea was good, but it didn’t end up working out very well…I usually need written words to learn, so a verbal description without notes to refer back to wasn’t going to be an effective way to teach me…and most of the things I was being told I was trying to memorize but didn’t understand well enough to apply…so once the emotion was identified I could spout back a few of the features that were associated with that emotion, but I couldn’t look at the paper and point out those features in order to identify the emotion…and I got frustrated super quickly of always having the wrong answer so I went online and looked at the pictures and created a cheat sheet. I started getting more answers correct, but it started becoming obvious that I had learned them in separate schemas when my reasoning for mixing up nervous and hurt was that the main difference between the two is the positioning of the hood on the sweatshirt…umm yeah…wrong answer…

I really liked that (the stuff {I heard on the radio) because when I was living in Anxietyland people often treated me as if I was stupid. Yes, I know what I was doing/thinking didn’t make sense from an outside perspective, but the fear was very real to me, and if it were as simple as people suggested it wouldn’t have been a problem…If it were truly as easy as going to my room and putting on lotion and magically my hands would stop bleeding and everything would be awesome don’t you think I would have done that already? Putting on lotion was in itself a process so as not to contaminate the lotion, and even that didn’t do much good since within five minutes it was probably going to be washed off again anyway. I did include using lotion regularly in my plans, but it did not work miracles…I know a lot of the things that scared me probably did seem stupid, but telling me it is stupid is not helpful or supportive…just sayin’ I don’t have a degree in psychology or anything, but nothing I’ve learned in my psych classes has promoted or even suggested telling someone they are dumb, or even implying it. Perhaps gently steering them to come to that conclusion (Softly) on their own, but certainly not anything close to directly.

I could win a stubbornness contest with a mule so I didn’t take stupid in as my identity; I will be the first to tell you that I am NOT stupid, but being treated as if I was kind of bothered me sometimes…so it felt really validating to hear that it is actually a sign that I am smart that I was struggling with anxiety. Although speaking of stubbornness and anxiety, everyone told me that micro was going to be really bad for my germ issues because everyone comes out of that class more worried about germs…not true…my conceptions about germs and how they work and everything was so set in stone at that time that nothing was going to convince me that there was danger in places I didn’t previously expect…so my fear was left pretty much unchanged and if anything it decreased the fear slightly by teaching me more about how well germs can be killed usually and how hard it is for them to set up infection…obviously since I was still fighting for my life back then it didn’t decrease the fear a lot, but I know it did help me fight back a little…

so yeah, anyway, I really thought the ideas presented on the radio were interesting and thought provoking…If fear is a misuse of creativity it makes me wonder if perhaps giving creativity another outlet would work to shut down the fear pathway…and the part about thinking about what is at the expense of what I want to be is so very true–very often I was so stuck on the immediate fear that when asked about the potential consequences I was at a loss…I just knew that I was scared…

I must have been distracted packing my lunch though because between lunch and dinner all that I packed was a bag of veggie sticks (the potato chip kind, not the actual vegetable kind), a clementine, and a bag of fried rice…luckily there was cake and donuts at work to make up for the missing calories…also, working late is not my favorite, but on the positive side, the past two nights I have been so exhausted that I slept all the way through the night without waking up between midnight and 3 needing a drink (that almost never happens)…and this morning I didn’t actually get off my lazy butt to even grab my computer until 7…that felt really strange, but it is kind of nice to not be so tired…

Peace out 🙂


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