Monthly Archives: January 2015

So What I’m Not Your Average Girl

(Average Girl–Barlowgirl)

So I don’t mean this post to sound vain or conceited or anything…I mean, I am the one who complained about putting anything besides my school and my job on linkedin because it sounded braggy…but y’all, I really love myself…I might not be “just like everyone else” like my life goal was for a while, but my mom always told me that being like everyone else was a really awful goal…so maybe it’s not so bad that I am not your average girl…I am what I am and that’s all that I am–you can love me you can hate me (Please Please Like Me– Go Fish)…and I choose to love me 🙂 (but you can make your own choice)

I’ve probably said this lots of times, but I see myself as an extravert wrapped in the shell of an introvert…last night someone else told me they see me that way, and oh my, it is so validating for other people to see me the same way in which I see myself…I feel like everyone says being an extravert is better than being an introvert, but a lot of the time I really wish I were only an introvert…I would have a lot more time to study if I didn’t so desperately need people in my life, and it would be really awesome to never have the intense longing that being alone (loneliness) leaves in my heart…but I also LOVE that I have really awesome friends who will have a conversation with me for hours and we might not have anything to say and maybe we are just complaining at each other, or something, but I love it…and I love that when one door closes I can find the open window to climb through.

I love that I can apologize to myself…haha yeah…in my notebook you won’t just find the section the notes are from…you’ll also find a little note saying sorry, this is only the most important sections for now because I am running low on time…I mean I guess I shouldn’t be surprised…in my notebooks it is also not uncommon to find the teacher’s birthday or even a string of numbers that I am not totally sure what it means…separating important from not important is something I do not excel at so if it comes out of the teacher’s mouth it will likely land on my paper…which is probably also why it takes me so long to takes notes on reading…besides getting distracted and being a slow reader, I also spend too much time trying to figure out what is important…because I really don’t know…but it makes for some interesting information that I learn…and I really do LOVE learning…I just hate school…if I could just be told what to learn and be let loose to learn it with a resource to ask questions to without having to have any assessments or anything, I would be so thrilled…

I love that I value self-care. I see so many students who opt to study a little more instead of sleep or shower or whatever else…I am not judging. I know how empting it seems even when I am barely staying awake to just get a little more studying in…but I also know how poorly my body does on a sleep deficit…so I am really glad I can be nice to myself and just go to bed or take a break when I need it.

I love my body’s resilience. I haven’t exactly always been such a good steward so it has weathered a lot of abuse, yet it continues to heal….I am fairly certain, for example, that I sprained my ankle in 9th grade (I fell in October in gym class–it still looked bruised and was painful in January which made lifeguard training really fun…) and I didn’t tell anyone and continued to swim with it every day and to do my best to run in gym class (thank God the marching part of marching band was done)…and more recently I had days that I refused to drink anything, and even one awful day that I neither ate nor drank, yet my body is still going…and at my worst I was washing/sanitizing my hands over 1000times/day and my hands looked like I was wearing thin red gloves and I was bleeding all the way up to my wrists, and while it is kind of embarrassing to admit that, looking at my hands it is pretty obvious that they have had a little damage, but overall they look pretty good and really at the moment are almost passable as normal…that is the one that I am most impressed with I think…

I love my ability to bounce back and problem solve. I lost the majority of my friends and my identity and my routines and my dreams and everything that was really important to me and I rebuilt. The world told me I couldn’t and I proved that I could. The world tried to push me under and I clung on for dear life and kept my head above the waves…and like yesterday when I got triggered, yeah, I was really upset and went to the bathroom to hyperventilate and cry for like one minute and then went to my car to calm down for five minutes then I was pretty much okay…I mean I had another 15 minutes or so to think about what happened and then some time to write about it here, but later that same day I was jumping up and down excitedly talking to my friends and I haven’t even really gotten the surge of self-protection instinct when I’ve seen a certain someone a couple times since then!! No one has the power to hurt me without my permission.

I love that I am going to post this without editing because I am confident in myself and not going to accommodate the haters (although if you think that is dumb and think I should probs be editing then feel free to let me know–I am very amenable to change…)

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Put her back together again

(Broken Girl–Matthew West)

I read this blog post this morning about scariest statements…

…and I have one to add…

I don’t need my phone today. I’m going to have starburst and m&m’s all day. This statement is scary because while I may have access to a sufficient amount of candy to get through even a rough day, candy cannot totally fix all of life’s problems…sometimes distraction and fun are kind of helpful…and after remembering very quickly not to touch the number 8 on the phone due to what I had preset it for, my phone provides that needed distraction and fun and since I only let myself have it on occasion it works pretty well (we’re talking my old phone that has my dad’s old sim card in it and therefore doesn’t make calls or have internet access anymore, not my new phone that does have service but just isn’t very fun)…

Sometimes even emotionally there is breakthrough pain…physically there is oxycodone 4/PO/Q4H/PRNS/or breakthrough/P (that’s take 20mL by mouth every four hours as needed for severe pain or breakthrough pain…I didn’t actually calculate my own dose, but I’m probably not too far off what my dose would be…) and emotionally there is things like my phone…Yeah, it would have been better if I’d had the phone on me to provide some distraction while I came back to Earth enough to teach myself (again) that I cannot control what people write in emails and it is not my job to protect the world from the bad people and an email needs to not have the power to take away my joy even momentarily…I feel like autodelete settings are rude, but if this keeps happening then that’s the way things are going to need to be…and in reality it is not like anyone will know that I have their emails on autodelete…unless they sent me something really important that I didn’t know about…

Until All I See is You

(Soul on Fire–3rd Day)

…so this was originally an email that I altered to be a blog post…so if it feels awkward that might be why…

Today is Let’s Talk Day.let's talk

Everyone has a story, and everyone has pain in their life. For 1 in 5 people part of that story is mental illness but stigma (negative attitudes or prejudice and negative responses or discrimination) makes everything worse and keeps people from sharing their story and getting help.

So let’s talk. Let’s work together towards a stigma free society. Everyone wants to be heard; will you listen and respond? Let’s make it our goal to help keep the conversation going all year long and make every day a day it is okay to talk about mental health.

I don’t wanna say a word unless it points the world back to you

(words–Hawk Nelson)

So you’ll kinda find out in the last conversation why I needed to take a writing break…so here you have totally real (to the best of my knowledge though some of them were written many hours after the fact) conversations with myself at random points this weekend…including a fight…but one of my friends and I came to the consensus that as long as you don’t lose the fights with yourself you are totally fine, and how could I possibly lose when the fight ended in a bag of skittles being eaten? 🙂 …yeah, I fight with myself, but most of the fights are trying to talk sense into myself, because my limbic system doesn’t always understand that an email is not a direct threat that requires adrenaline…although on the positive side, my limbic system is rather amenable to reason (although I am aware that it probs isn’t actually the limbic system that is responsible for the “all clear” in response to reason…but whatever works…)…I probably need to put my conversations with myself into my head instead of actually saying them out loud…’cause sometimes I am not as alone as I think I am…like that one time someone was behind me when I was walking down the hallway talking about killing Barney the dinosaur…

So now I present moments of Wiggle Worm 🙂

(While watching cars zoom past me at an intersection on Friday evening instead of paying attention to the light)

ME: wheels are spinny

ME: Umm, duh, that is how they make things go…

ME: Oh yeah, the wheels on the bus go round and round

ME: umm pretty sure they stopped which means you need to stop playing games with the cars you see and actually GO now…

(talking to myself before falling asleep)

ME: and I like ponies and skittles and eating and goldfish and pizza and sourpatch kids and koolaid and cupcakes and cookies and brownies and ice cream and blueberries but not frozen blueberries those are gross and ketchup is gross and mustard is gross and mayo is gross and sour cream is gross and bird poop is gross and dog poop is gross and I like playing with puppies but babies are better but it would be hard to play with babies if I was on crutches. Maybe I should write an email to {name} in case I am on crutches when I go home but want to play with babies.

ME: or maybe you should wait to write the email until you actually have a reason to be on crutches…

ME: okay hey God I want babies and not broken legs and I want my friends and I want hugs

(after opening up a bag of popcorn and having an awful smell come out and it won’t stop smoking)

ME: (screaming) ick!!

ME: well standing here holding it isn’t fixing anything

ME: what if it is toxic

ME: and what if it isn’t

ME: but it might taste bad

ME: and even bad tasting food fills your stomach so pour it in the bowl

(two hours later)

ME: umm, perhaps if your eyes still hurt from the smoke from the bag you maybe shouldn’t try to eat it…

ME: (whining) but I WANT it…

ME: well…umm…fine…but it is your loss tomorrow and I do not want to hear complaints about how your lunch is icky…

(After reading an email that I found while looking for my spring 2013 schedule)

ME: (crying) She called me rude and condescending and and and

ME: (interrupting) Yes, she did, she said a lot of mean things to you, but there is nothing you can do about it. Remember what someone told you in 9th grade when you were crying…yeah that…the really inappropriate one…that…

ME: I hate her I hate her I hate her so much why can’t she even just leave me alone when I am at my apartment

ME: Umm…oh my girlyQ…First, you don’t hate her. You hate her actions but you don’t hate her. You love her unconditionally the way God loves her because that is the right things to do…If you really hated her you wouldn’t advocate for her and would openly advocate against her and not bother being polite about it…Second, I am pretty sure you are the one who actually read the email just now instead of just moving on when you saw her name so shut your stupid mouth, because you did this to yourself

ME: but but she hurt me and she doesn’t care and

ME: (interrupting again and really mad) and SHUT UP what part of shut up are you having trouble understanding? No one cares if you got hurt so shut up and move on at least you don’t have to deal with her anymore

ME: I want skittles

(thinking out loud (not about myself))

ME: Well, I think you’re a failure

ME: [first middle last name]!! We do not say that about anyone no matter how true it might be. That hurts people on their weak points and that is not okay.

ME: but I didn’t say it to her and I would never say that to anyone ever

ME: true but that doesn’t make it a nice thing to say when you’re alone either…grow up or shut up, your choice

(struggling to calm down after reading a new email that I probably should have set up to autodelete)

ME: I hate my limbic system #nerd

ME: verbal hashtags are #stupid

ME: you are #stupid

ME: can we please stop with the #hashtags #now #letsnotdothisagain

You Might Feel Like Public Property. You Might, You’re Right, You Shouldn’t Be.

(song:Barlow Girl band: Superchick)

Just a warning, if you are easily offended you might want to skip reading this right about now…I am confident in myself so while I am not going to intentionally offend anyone, I have decided I am also not going to hide who I am and some of that comes across a little bit harshly in this post…When red and black are your favorite colors you get some license to be intense, or at least that is my opinion 🙂 plus I have way too much to get done to spend time on editing…so you just get me…raw and unrefined with no artificial flavorings or preservatives 🙂

Taking time off was really good. It appears that some of the “bad people” have continued to fade away…although my stats actually were better the week I wasn’t blogging than they had been, but that was coincidentally, because there were also more “good views” that I hope I didn’t discourage…and now I know where Taiwan is…and with Google encrypting most searches it is hard to know how the non-facebook people are finding me, but most searches have been song lyrics which I am glad has brought people to me, but isn’t the optimal search terms that I would hope would bring me up, so it was super exciting to see that someone found me by searching “germs ocd.” That might not be what I am currently dealing with, but I definitely have some good content on that, and as a personal experience blog, that is the kind of search that I am a lot more interested in! #Ilovelife #Ilovehashtags

I feel a lot less like public property after a break. It was refreshing to not feel as if I was on display 24/7…I missed what bit of community I had here, but it was good to be able to be turned off the instant I left campus. There isn’t a good way to prevent people from watching me with constant scrutiny at school, but being able to completely leave it behind as I drove out of the parking garage was a really good break.

This might be one of those things I should be careful sharing, but I’m going to say it anyway and just pray no one takes it wrong or gets their panties in wad over it…my school has a self-defense club, and I wrote quite a bit about my thoughts on their most recent email…Their email started with “Do you ever feel unsafe when you leave campus.” …So here is an abbreviated version of my response: Umm, yes, I have felt unsafe in the past when I left campus—that is why I avoid leaving campus between 4 and 6 on weekdays if at all possible. Since doing so I have had fewer problems…but I feel like there is a better solution, and I feel more unsafe most of the time AT school than I do when I leave…but self-defense was the only gym class I ever took that I didn’t completely hate. There were even a few moments I even liked the class, which if I am admitting that about a GYM class then you know it must have been a pretty good gym class, because I am VERY anti-gym class. It involved a small amount of running, but other than that, I LOVED kicking the walls and learning routines…and the floor in the room was squishy which made running a little less horrible, and made it not hurt when I fell down, which was important since a majority of the times I made contact with the wall when practicing a flying back kick I ended up losing my balance and on the floor…I also learned in that class that if your coworker asks if you’d like to walk to your car together since it is late you should beat them up (Which is a theory I don’t really agree with), but it was an awesome class. Also, this club has free cupcakes so it is rather unfortunate that I can’t join since it is while I am in class. A positive though is that they are talking about stalking, because that is a topic that I would have loved to work myself on giving exposure to so I am glad someone else is doing it…I am not going to say much more about that, because I don’t want to be stupid and regret saying something that offends someone…

But anyway, after feeling like public property for so long, it was good to sort of have a break. After being scrutinized constantly online since late June/early July, and in person since August and feeling figuratively naked as people used me as if I were an exhibitionist when all I wanted was for everyone to LEAVE ME ALONE and let me LIVE MY LIFE it felt really good to have some “turned off” time. That being said, I missed writing, and now as always there has quickly become a backlog of potential topics to write on…

I was feeling really resistant to trying the filled wafer sticks in the pantry at home over break because they were reminiscent of one of the products I tried to get milk in my body before I figured out that I’d drink soy milk (but oh my, I have probably tried almost every product out there to make milk palatable)…but I got a box of them in my stocking so I figured I’d try them last week, and now I regret not having them sooner…really good…and perhaps the ones I had years ago wouldn’t have been so gross if it hadn’t been for the association with milk…and having been soaked in milk prior to being eaten…they didn’t flavor the milk very well and the outside got mushy…

I am over 21. I do not drink alcohol and currently have no desire to. I was asked about that recently, and realized it has been a long time since I thought over that decision. To be honest, the biggest thing holding me back when I turned 21 was OCD. I had read that alcohol was sometimes helpful in the short term for social anxiety, but I saw that in the media when people have alcohol they vomit and that was completely terrifying. There was no way that alcohol was ever going to pass my lips, because while I understood that the media is often an exaggeration of real life, the possibility was too real, and it seemed like from my real life experience that at least to some extent that was true. Now that OCD is not clouding my vision, I am open to the possibility of exploring things like that and not necessarily viewing it in vivid black and white, and have learned that in small amounts alcohol will usually not cause people to throw up, so moderation is key. (That was actually not explored via trying it—it was picked up from counseling around a year ago and I was just finally ready to see that it wasn’t two opposing statements to say that alcohol doesn’t make people vomit and that it does…). I have no issue with other people drinking alcohol; as long as they are not getting drunk I do not have moral opposition to it, but it is still not for me. I still find the smell of alcoholic drinks whether beer or wine or whatever the other things are called really appalling. I can tolerate it because I know other people like it, but I see no reason to subject myself to that, because I can’t imagine that something I abhor the smell of so much would taste at all good. Additionally, I know that there is at least a little bit of addiction in my extended family, and would prefer not to find out for myself that I, too, am easily addicted. I already know how easy it is for things to take over my life like anxiety did, and I do not want to give addiction a foothold. I haven’t really been exposed much to alcohol use, so I don’t know how much is “moderation” beyond the pharmacy definition, but since all those drink names are like a foreign language to me and there are so many ounce amounts there is no way I could really apply that to the real world, so while I am open to moderated drinking of alcohol if I were ever in a situation in which it would be socially appropriate, I would need to be with someone I trusted deeply so that my naĂŻvetĂ© was not exploited at my own expense. Black and white in certain areas is probably good, but it is also probably really good that with the OCD out of the picture that I can see this one in more than just black and white because it was truly scary to think that if any alcohol got in my body that I’d throw up…

This may offend certain people that I know, but this is something that I found in my journal from around July 22ndish and I wanted to share it because I think it really reveals my heart. I often complain about tangible things, and those things seem so silly to complain about, but what is underneath those things is where the real hurt lies. All those tangible things could be re-created in a new environment, but the lifeblood that flowed beneath the surface would be missing and all those things would still never satisfy nor fulfill me. Kind of like when I say I want friends, but I don’t want new friends. It isn’t that I wouldn’t be thrilled with new friends, because in truth, I do love people and making new friends is great. What I am saying is that making new friends isn’t enough to fill the void and cover the hurt that losing the old friends created. (With a few edits to protect the identities of the people who appear in my writing and to protect the identity of my location)

[It] doesn’t just take away a study place for me; it takes away my identity, many of my friends, and my safe place […] I don’t want to have a spot to study. I don’t want meetings with [name]. I just want the one place I ever really felt like I was accepted and fit in. I just want the place I could help people all day. I want to keep the friends that have modeled communication for me and let me join in when I was ready. I want the constancy and safety. I want to be able to hang out with [name] and joke with [name] and plan pretend trips with [name], and look at baby pictures, I want to be a back-up front desk worker. I just want to be me. […] I don’t want to go back to [my school]. All that I have gotten there is hurt. Ever since 1st year I have characterized [my school] as a dysfunctional family, and the longer I spend there, the more I am seeing just how dysfunctional it is. I want out.

…and I had to cut it off there, because I was probably going to go beyond reasonable self-expression to offending people if I said much more, because pretty much from June 22nd my journal got really intense, and there is a difference between self-expression and displaying a public temper tantrum, because some thoughts and emotions are not overly appropriate for a public setting…

‘Cause Mirror You’ve Always Told Me Who I Am

(Mirror–Barlowgirl)

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall have I got it, ’cause mirror you’ve always told me who I am. I’m finding it’s not easy to be perfect so sorry you don’t define me sorry you don’t own me. Mirror I am seeing a new reflection I’m looking into the eye of who made me…Who are you to tell me that I’m less than what I should be?”

I love this. The external doesn’t define who I am. Sometimes what people see isn’t the whole story, and the way they want to define me based on that just isn’t accurate…and not just with physical beauty…I have no problem admitting that I cut the tangles out of my hair sometimes and I almost never wear makeup…I’d rather feel good than look good, and doesn’t the inside matter more than the outside? You can’t even know how good it felt when by way of introduction someone said in reference to me “She’s a sweet girl.” It is easy to see me as a rambunctious girl, or an optimistic girl, or as I’ve struggled with, a “smart girl,” so it means a lot to me that someone would define me for something that I see as a more positive quality…

On the theme of mirrors, I LOVE this quote…and it also ties more closely to what I plan to write about: resilience and strength.

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall I always get up after I fall and whether I run walk or have to crawl I’ll set my goals and achieve them all.”

Thanks for letting me take a break (not that you really got a choice). It was really good for me to force myself to use other methods of processing and to be able to do it mostly without worrying about offending anyone. One thing I need to work on is expectation management—I came into this semester thinking it was going to be SO much better than last semester…and the first week was much better though it didn’t live up to the idyllic standards I set, but the let down from it not being totally awesome greatly increased the frustration when things weren’t going super awesomely. Going into it thinking it is going to be the worst thing ever probably also isn’t a great action plan though, so I will need to work on finding a happy medium…but some time to figure things out was great 🙂

One thing I realized is that while my blog started as mostly a more convenient form of journaling and a way to share things with a select group of close friends, at some point it must have become a social outlet because even though I had no way of knowing with certainty who was viewing it, the idea of an audience at least partly filled the social void in my life and that is something I have been needing to fill with real life people during this break (and it feels so good to wander around talking to everyone!–though not super productive)…and for as long as I can remember I have described myself as an extravert in the shell of an introvert, and this has really brought to light the truth of that statement…I desperately do need a social life, but being in groups of people communicating for an extended period of time is draining… I haven’t done a great job of cultivating community here, but this break showed me how thankful I should be for what community I do have. I missed y’all.

One thing I used my time for when I needed a break last weekend was work on cleaning out my email inbox, and umm, I got the email that my inbox was almost full every day for over a year before I learned about the archiving option, but even once I learned that I still had a lot of emails, but I went from around 1700 emails to about 90 in my inbox (I haven’t finished going through my sent mail, but that one only started with about 800 so it probs won’t take as long once I set my mind to doing it…one thing I did find in my inbox that pointed to some obvious struggles was the fact that I still had the “admin junk summary” for pretty much every day at the end of June…I may occasionally like to see that email as a reminder to check my junkbox, but I definitely never have any need to keep it…so the fact that it was there shows just how in over my head I was if I couldn’t even keep up with figuring out that I didn’t need those things…

Even outside of my email box, at first it may have been obvious there were issues seeing as how I was screaming and/or crying most of the day, but eventually I was so torn apart on the inside, but totally put together on the outside…even my best friend didn’t know I had been hurting until she asked a question a bit over a month later probably about something that was supposed to excite me like my friends or tutoring…and suddenly everything came flooding out (including more tears)…it’s not that I was hiding, but that there are certain situations in which it is not appropriate to be falling apart, and she mostly sees me in those situations…

I saw a really awesome blog post yesterday about the true greatness of hidden pain. You can find it here. The world doesn’t know that your two steps are your mountain.

Sometimes it is really hard when someone is potentially hurt in the shrapnel from my pain, but are not close enough to see the pain…Also in cleaning out my email I got that “oh c**p” feeling when I realized there was a really sweet girl I have no record of emailing back about tutoring…it was at a really chaotic point in life, but that doesn’t excuse not replying…there is a possibility I verbally asked her to be re-assigned because I couldn’t handle more people right then, but I am kind of worried that in my taking care of myself I might have forgotten about her…it was the day before I took a final and I had an even more important exam in another class the day after the final and I’m pretty sure I had at least one other exam that week on top of all the other non-academic things going on right then, but that doesn’t really make me feel any better about potentially having forgotten about her…oopsy-clovers…

…but I learn and grow every day so focusing on the negative will do me no good. My fingerprints are still obviously suffering the after-effects of OCD, but I am so excited that slowly my skin is recovering a bit. During second year I had to get fingerprinted for school, and it was kind of embarrassing because the police officer doing it could tell from my fingerprints that I wash my hands a lot–I could easily play it off on being a health care worker, but my hands looked pretty decent then so it was surprising that anyone could even tell that there was a problem. They could also tell that there are scars on my hands that I didn’t even know I had, but I suppose that kinda comes with having third degree burns as a toddler…I am a graduate school student, yet people still mistake me for a middle-schooler. My hands are still the evidence that proves I am no longer a middle school student (haha, the OCD was good for something!) but they no longer look like they belong either on an old lady or that they ought to be bandaged. This is something that has been a long time in coming (and that I might have been warned of a long time ago when my hands were doing so poorly that I saw nothing wrong with what they might be). I am really excited about that. The physical resilience is a good reminder that I am resilient on the inside as well…

One thing I have reflected on is strength. What does it mean to be strong? At times I feel vulnerable, fragile, weak, as something happens that causes my structures to collapse…but looking deeper I see that everything I had was destroyed, completely dismantled, nothing left to rebuild on. I took the rubble, sticks, and sand, and began to painstakingly construct something new. It was an emergency lean-to that barely got the job done, so when even a bit of wind came through it began to shake and nearly fall apart, yet I continue to re-build and leave myself open for what could be. Seeing it that way I can see the strength in rebuilding when there is little evidence of the castle that once stood, and the strength in continuing to build when the walls come tumbling down so easily. Perhaps it is not beautiful and seems to fit in better in a Hooverville (see, I did get something out of APUSH!!), but the workmanship to create with what I could find is impressive and something to be celebrated.

signing off for now,
Wiggle Worm 🙂 (^^^)

The Sun Has Gone To Bed And So Must I

(So Long, Farewell–The Sound of Music)

Dear Reader,

It is with a heavy heart that I inform you that I will be taking a break from blogging. I have loved blogging and it is so much more convenient to pull out my computer and start typing than to find my notebook and a writing utensil and blank page, but it has become time to take a break. I cannot tell you yet how long this break will be, but I know it will be at least a week, and could last as long as forever. I will still be here to approve (or deny as the case may be) comments and track views, but I will not be posting.

I have come to this decision after a group of people voyeuristically reading not because they were interested in what I had to say, and not because they were friends of mine offline supporting me in my endeavors, but because they wanted to pick apart my writing and read into things that were not necessarily there. That has caused this to go from a place where I could truly express myself safely to a place where I feel exposed and need to protect myself by extremely cautious topic-selection and never really writing about some of the things that really mean a lot to me for fear of offending someone, and that was not what this blog was supposed to be about. I have noticed through my stats that most of this activity has dwindled away, but I still do not feel as safe as before because I know the possibility is still open for my words to be re-purposed and used against me.

Additionally, there are some things that I need to process that are things that I would not necessarily want to hide from the people I know offline who read here, but I am working towards a pharmacy degree, not an editorial degree, so I think it would be best for me to take a bit of time off. No one has done anything recently in particular to hurt me, but the way in which I write about these things could potentially lead to hurt feelings if people do not understand their role in my words, and that is the last thing I would want, so to avoid the possibility of hurt feelings I am closing up shop for now. Hurting anyone is the last thing I would ever intend to do, but my editing abilities are not strong enough to be sure that my words will not unintentionally hurt anyone.

I love you guys and will miss you. I can’t promise a next time, but I wish you the best.

Regretfully yours,
Wiggle Worm

Never Enough Glitter

(Pinterest Parody–WhatsUpMoms)

I had a LOT of positive experience today, but there is never enough glitter to completely cover the negative, and there is one thing I am really passionate about that I feel I need to share…

Can we PLEASE stop victim-blaming? Like the video I posted to facebook yesterday, just because something negative happens doesn’t mean that the person was necessarily “asking for it” or even did ANYTHING wrong to cause it to happen. I am not saying that there aren’t negative things that happen because of something someone did to make it more possible, but that is NOT always the case.

I came into college determined to not let anyone find out I had been labeled as a “smart kid” in high school. I HATED being labeled that way and I did not want to repeat that experience. I don’t want to go into it right now how hurtful that label was and all the reasons I was determined to not let anyone know in college, but suffice it to say, there was no part of me that wanted that label whatsoever. I did not go so far as to jeopardize or intentionally sabotage my own grades, but my hatred for that label was so intense that my parents were worried that I would end up failing out of school in an effort to not continue carrying that label.

All that to say, it was not anything that I did that caused people to label me that way again in college. I am kind of ashamed to admit this, and I still do feel a little guilty about it, but as a first year I stretched the truth frequently in an attempt to hide and protect myself. In talking to any other student my 99% was an “oh, I passed, but I have room for improvement” or “yeah, I got a bit above 80%” While technically true, those statements were intended to protect me from re-labeling, but it didn’t work. I was quickly re-labeled as the “smart kid.” I did not get excited and tell everyone I had an A. I did not even tell my lab partner or my roommates. Only my teachers knew what my grades were. Looking at that, I do NOT think it was my fault that I got that label and the resulting stigma and isolation. It doesn’t make me feel better about my situation for you to tell me that it was my fault when from as far as I can see I did nothing wrong. It didn’t “leak out.” There are some people for whom that is the case that telling one person led to everyone knowing, but that was not what happened for me.

Okay, I’ll step off my soap box now…also I think stepping on a soap box is a dumb analogy…but no one asked my opinion…

completely unrelated thought, but I was also thinking about how technology has changed communication not just in school but in real life pharmacy practice, and things that I just accept as the way things are is so completely different from how things probably were 20 years ago…I am fairly certain that 20 years ago there wasn’t an intrapharmacy instant messaging system that pharmacists could use to communicate with eachother whether about meds for a specific patient (intended use) or about weekend plans (some actual use) between the PICU pharmacist and the central pharmacists or between the ED pharmacist and the 7th floor pharmacist…and while cisco phones might have been around to talk to eachother, smartphones hadn’t even been invented yet to text/email each other or to quickly look up dosing and indications of a med…K yeah going back to studying now…

Why Do I Cry So Many Tears

(Why is it Colder–JJ Heller)

I told myself I was not going to blog unless I could finish the chapter I was reading by 6:00…so why am I starting at 6:20ish…well I didn’t actually think I could get done by 6 and thought if I really pushed myself I could finish by 7:30…umm I might not have spent long enough on it to do much more than say it was done, but I am super proud of myself for finishing so I might as well celebrate with writing…that being said I am going to try to keep this short which I am not very good at…hey…at least it is writing so I will never know that you stopped listening and/or told me to shut up unless you write it in the comments…

so to answer the question in the title: gravity…that’s why…and surface tension…because once a droplet reaches a certain size it’s cohesiveness and adhesiveness are no longer enough to hold it together and hold it to your eyeball…

…or with ever so slightly more seriousness, I don’t…because big girls don’t cry…

…but big girls do get upset sometimes…today I kind of lost contact with someone…it shouldn’t be such a big deal–it wasn’t someone I had a lot of contact with to begin with–but think of it like this: if you have a 54oz bag of skittles and someone takes one away it isn’t a very big deal and you barely notice, but if have five skittles (one of each flavor in your bag…duh…’cause that’s the right way to finish a bag of skittles) and someone takes one away now it is a lot bigger deal…the change is still the same…but the difference is a lot bigger…so anyway, I don’t think this person was really trying to make me feel a sense of rejection…but when you’re watching one more thing being torn away it feels that way…

…and I decided I could handle it without any kind of support…Why?…well, I didn’t want to ask for help and be a burden on anyone…and I wanted to be able to do it all by myself. I wanted to be self-sufficient, and being able to fix my own problems is an important skill to have…and it is a lot better to practice on small things while the stakes are low than to only ever “practice” when I am completely drowning…and actually being successful is probably better for skill building than trying and failing…just sayin’…and it pretty much worked…within about an hour I was not necessarily 100% focused but was back to studying…potentially it could have been recovered from more quickly with outside help whether that meant going through my backpack and lunchbox to find something to put in my mouth or being dangerous  and riding my bike in the cold in the street, but those are things that I can’t always rely on…and besides, I’ve been torturing myself (in a loving way) since early in first year–it started with sitting in the success center and then outside and then a few attempts in the res hall lobby and cafeteria back then…and then limiting handwashing to *gasp* less than 50 times in the first 30 minutes of being awake…and now it is calming down without outside help–so why would I stop now? My self-directed efforts have brought me the most success in getting what I wanted so I see no reason to stop now…

Totally unrelated, but there are new paper towel dispensers in many of the bathrooms at school…I have given them a fair chance and jury is in: me no likey…they make a satisfying sound, and the paper towel is higher quality, but they take way too much patience which is not a quality I am interested in utilizing in the bathroom…just sayin’…

Also unrelated, but it is unfortunate that none of the schools I really really want to go to have an accredited program for the degree I need…see, when I was in middle school I decided that I was really excited about going to Bethel…umm great, except that they do not have a pharmacy program…I guess I just assumed that every school would have one…and Bethel must be awesome, because a bajillion of my friends went there and with youth group we had gone on field trips there a few times and it was really fun so go on scavenger hunts and hang out in people’s dorm rooms…and then I went to camp at Cedarville and they had really good music and some really nice people there and obviously some good propaganda seeing as how at the end of the week I was really excited about maybe applying there…hey, it was a step in the right direction. They do have a pharmacy program…but it is not accredited…

…and now I wanna go to Covenant…I might have seen a promotional video today which might be where this new excitement is coming from…but like seriously I can’t even count how many people I know either go there or graduated from there, and it seems so awesome…I’m sure it is much less idyllic than it is in my head, but it would make me so happy at least momentarily to be a student there…

This is Love This is Life This is All I’m Waiting For

(Two Broken People–Stephanie Pauline)

I just wanted to take a moment today to express my thankfulness today. I have gotten a lot less done today than I planned, but I don’t feel helplessly lost. I will be fine…that is so different from the way I would have felt about it a year ago simply getting more and more frustrated about how slow I was at reading and doing homework and all those other tasks that go along with school…

I am so thankful for what I have gotten done–I’ve gotten a lot more done than I had done by this time last semester…last semester I started really falling behind quickly the first week of school. I am certainly not ahead, but I am not drowning.

I am thankful for the distraction from studying that I’ve had. Whereas I started last semester barely holding in tears during class and really losing it once I was alone and had a billion things on my plate completely non-academic-related eating my time, this semester my distraction from studying has been positive occurrences that given the choice I would not trade in for more study time…not coming into this semester in crisis-mode just makes it seem so much more manageable. (Life has evened out significantly and I have come to terms with and learned to navigate the situations that were trying to throw me overboard last semester…)

I am thankful for the people I have encountered. I can’t even express how good it feels to have long conversations with people I haven’t seen in a while…although I certainly can’t keep up the amount of friend-time I am spending long-term, it feels SO good for a quick hello to turn into an hour long conversation…some of my strongest connections might not be people my own age, but I refuse to let the little voice in my head of BJ2AU telling me first year that I needed to try harder to make friends my own age define my existence or make me feel like a failure. She is not the boss of me, and if people my own age isn’t who I feel connected to or safe with then I can choose which friendships to cultivate accordingly…in the end I don’t think fertilizing a field of stones is a productive use of my efforts…

I am thankful for the meetings I’ve already attended and the emails I have written…they have made me feel accomplished and self-sufficient and stuff to have gotten so many things worked out…things haven’t exactly gone according to plan, but in spite of that I feel like I am thriving…I am taking things a day at a time and learning to work through things and problem solve, and while what I am doing doesn’t line up with my visions of what life was going to be like, I am learning to accept what is rather than pining for the way I planned for things to be.

And of course since the way into my heart is through my stomach, a thankfulness list would be incomplete without listing thankfulness for the food I’ve eaten…just sayin’ the brownies I had today were pretty good, and one of my friends gave me some clementines which I LOVE!!

I hope and pray that this semester goes well academically, but I feel confident that the non-academic side of the semester will be awesomesauce…