Why Do I Cry So Many Tears

(Why is it Colder–JJ Heller)

I told myself I was not going to blog unless I could finish the chapter I was reading by 6:00…so why am I starting at 6:20ish…well I didn’t actually think I could get done by 6 and thought if I really pushed myself I could finish by 7:30…umm I might not have spent long enough on it to do much more than say it was done, but I am super proud of myself for finishing so I might as well celebrate with writing…that being said I am going to try to keep this short which I am not very good at…hey…at least it is writing so I will never know that you stopped listening and/or told me to shut up unless you write it in the comments…

so to answer the question in the title: gravity…that’s why…and surface tension…because once a droplet reaches a certain size it’s cohesiveness and adhesiveness are no longer enough to hold it together and hold it to your eyeball…

…or with ever so slightly more seriousness, I don’t…because big girls don’t cry…

…but big girls do get upset sometimes…today I kind of lost contact with someone…it shouldn’t be such a big deal–it wasn’t someone I had a lot of contact with to begin with–but think of it like this: if you have a 54oz bag of skittles and someone takes one away it isn’t a very big deal and you barely notice, but if have five skittles (one of each flavor in your bag…duh…’cause that’s the right way to finish a bag of skittles) and someone takes one away now it is a lot bigger deal…the change is still the same…but the difference is a lot bigger…so anyway, I don’t think this person was really trying to make me feel a sense of rejection…but when you’re watching one more thing being torn away it feels that way…

…and I decided I could handle it without any kind of support…Why?…well, I didn’t want to ask for help and be a burden on anyone…and I wanted to be able to do it all by myself. I wanted to be self-sufficient, and being able to fix my own problems is an important skill to have…and it is a lot better to practice on small things while the stakes are low than to only ever “practice” when I am completely drowning…and actually being successful is probably better for skill building than trying and failing…just sayin’…and it pretty much worked…within about an hour I was not necessarily 100% focused but was back to studying…potentially it could have been recovered from more quickly with outside help whether that meant going through my backpack and lunchbox to find something to put in my mouth or being dangerous  and riding my bike in the cold in the street, but those are things that I can’t always rely on…and besides, I’ve been torturing myself (in a loving way) since early in first year–it started with sitting in the success center and then outside and then a few attempts in the res hall lobby and cafeteria back then…and then limiting handwashing to *gasp* less than 50 times in the first 30 minutes of being awake…and now it is calming down without outside help–so why would I stop now? My self-directed efforts have brought me the most success in getting what I wanted so I see no reason to stop now…

Totally unrelated, but there are new paper towel dispensers in many of the bathrooms at school…I have given them a fair chance and jury is in: me no likey…they make a satisfying sound, and the paper towel is higher quality, but they take way too much patience which is not a quality I am interested in utilizing in the bathroom…just sayin’…

Also unrelated, but it is unfortunate that none of the schools I really really want to go to have an accredited program for the degree I need…see, when I was in middle school I decided that I was really excited about going to Bethel…umm great, except that they do not have a pharmacy program…I guess I just assumed that every school would have one…and Bethel must be awesome, because a bajillion of my friends went there and with youth group we had gone on field trips there a few times and it was really fun so go on scavenger hunts and hang out in people’s dorm rooms…and then I went to camp at Cedarville and they had really good music and some really nice people there and obviously some good propaganda seeing as how at the end of the week I was really excited about maybe applying there…hey, it was a step in the right direction. They do have a pharmacy program…but it is not accredited…

…and now I wanna go to Covenant…I might have seen a promotional video today which might be where this new excitement is coming from…but like seriously I can’t even count how many people I know either go there or graduated from there, and it seems so awesome…I’m sure it is much less idyllic than it is in my head, but it would make me so happy at least momentarily to be a student there…

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