You Might Feel Like Public Property. You Might, You’re Right, You Shouldn’t Be.

(song:Barlow Girl band: Superchick)

Just a warning, if you are easily offended you might want to skip reading this right about now…I am confident in myself so while I am not going to intentionally offend anyone, I have decided I am also not going to hide who I am and some of that comes across a little bit harshly in this post…When red and black are your favorite colors you get some license to be intense, or at least that is my opinion 🙂 plus I have way too much to get done to spend time on editing…so you just get me…raw and unrefined with no artificial flavorings or preservatives 🙂

Taking time off was really good. It appears that some of the “bad people” have continued to fade away…although my stats actually were better the week I wasn’t blogging than they had been, but that was coincidentally, because there were also more “good views” that I hope I didn’t discourage…and now I know where Taiwan is…and with Google encrypting most searches it is hard to know how the non-facebook people are finding me, but most searches have been song lyrics which I am glad has brought people to me, but isn’t the optimal search terms that I would hope would bring me up, so it was super exciting to see that someone found me by searching “germs ocd.” That might not be what I am currently dealing with, but I definitely have some good content on that, and as a personal experience blog, that is the kind of search that I am a lot more interested in! #Ilovelife #Ilovehashtags

I feel a lot less like public property after a break. It was refreshing to not feel as if I was on display 24/7…I missed what bit of community I had here, but it was good to be able to be turned off the instant I left campus. There isn’t a good way to prevent people from watching me with constant scrutiny at school, but being able to completely leave it behind as I drove out of the parking garage was a really good break.

This might be one of those things I should be careful sharing, but I’m going to say it anyway and just pray no one takes it wrong or gets their panties in wad over it…my school has a self-defense club, and I wrote quite a bit about my thoughts on their most recent email…Their email started with “Do you ever feel unsafe when you leave campus.” …So here is an abbreviated version of my response: Umm, yes, I have felt unsafe in the past when I left campus—that is why I avoid leaving campus between 4 and 6 on weekdays if at all possible. Since doing so I have had fewer problems…but I feel like there is a better solution, and I feel more unsafe most of the time AT school than I do when I leave…but self-defense was the only gym class I ever took that I didn’t completely hate. There were even a few moments I even liked the class, which if I am admitting that about a GYM class then you know it must have been a pretty good gym class, because I am VERY anti-gym class. It involved a small amount of running, but other than that, I LOVED kicking the walls and learning routines…and the floor in the room was squishy which made running a little less horrible, and made it not hurt when I fell down, which was important since a majority of the times I made contact with the wall when practicing a flying back kick I ended up losing my balance and on the floor…I also learned in that class that if your coworker asks if you’d like to walk to your car together since it is late you should beat them up (Which is a theory I don’t really agree with), but it was an awesome class. Also, this club has free cupcakes so it is rather unfortunate that I can’t join since it is while I am in class. A positive though is that they are talking about stalking, because that is a topic that I would have loved to work myself on giving exposure to so I am glad someone else is doing it…I am not going to say much more about that, because I don’t want to be stupid and regret saying something that offends someone…

But anyway, after feeling like public property for so long, it was good to sort of have a break. After being scrutinized constantly online since late June/early July, and in person since August and feeling figuratively naked as people used me as if I were an exhibitionist when all I wanted was for everyone to LEAVE ME ALONE and let me LIVE MY LIFE it felt really good to have some “turned off” time. That being said, I missed writing, and now as always there has quickly become a backlog of potential topics to write on…

I was feeling really resistant to trying the filled wafer sticks in the pantry at home over break because they were reminiscent of one of the products I tried to get milk in my body before I figured out that I’d drink soy milk (but oh my, I have probably tried almost every product out there to make milk palatable)…but I got a box of them in my stocking so I figured I’d try them last week, and now I regret not having them sooner…really good…and perhaps the ones I had years ago wouldn’t have been so gross if it hadn’t been for the association with milk…and having been soaked in milk prior to being eaten…they didn’t flavor the milk very well and the outside got mushy…

I am over 21. I do not drink alcohol and currently have no desire to. I was asked about that recently, and realized it has been a long time since I thought over that decision. To be honest, the biggest thing holding me back when I turned 21 was OCD. I had read that alcohol was sometimes helpful in the short term for social anxiety, but I saw that in the media when people have alcohol they vomit and that was completely terrifying. There was no way that alcohol was ever going to pass my lips, because while I understood that the media is often an exaggeration of real life, the possibility was too real, and it seemed like from my real life experience that at least to some extent that was true. Now that OCD is not clouding my vision, I am open to the possibility of exploring things like that and not necessarily viewing it in vivid black and white, and have learned that in small amounts alcohol will usually not cause people to throw up, so moderation is key. (That was actually not explored via trying it—it was picked up from counseling around a year ago and I was just finally ready to see that it wasn’t two opposing statements to say that alcohol doesn’t make people vomit and that it does…). I have no issue with other people drinking alcohol; as long as they are not getting drunk I do not have moral opposition to it, but it is still not for me. I still find the smell of alcoholic drinks whether beer or wine or whatever the other things are called really appalling. I can tolerate it because I know other people like it, but I see no reason to subject myself to that, because I can’t imagine that something I abhor the smell of so much would taste at all good. Additionally, I know that there is at least a little bit of addiction in my extended family, and would prefer not to find out for myself that I, too, am easily addicted. I already know how easy it is for things to take over my life like anxiety did, and I do not want to give addiction a foothold. I haven’t really been exposed much to alcohol use, so I don’t know how much is “moderation” beyond the pharmacy definition, but since all those drink names are like a foreign language to me and there are so many ounce amounts there is no way I could really apply that to the real world, so while I am open to moderated drinking of alcohol if I were ever in a situation in which it would be socially appropriate, I would need to be with someone I trusted deeply so that my naĂŻvetĂ© was not exploited at my own expense. Black and white in certain areas is probably good, but it is also probably really good that with the OCD out of the picture that I can see this one in more than just black and white because it was truly scary to think that if any alcohol got in my body that I’d throw up…

This may offend certain people that I know, but this is something that I found in my journal from around July 22ndish and I wanted to share it because I think it really reveals my heart. I often complain about tangible things, and those things seem so silly to complain about, but what is underneath those things is where the real hurt lies. All those tangible things could be re-created in a new environment, but the lifeblood that flowed beneath the surface would be missing and all those things would still never satisfy nor fulfill me. Kind of like when I say I want friends, but I don’t want new friends. It isn’t that I wouldn’t be thrilled with new friends, because in truth, I do love people and making new friends is great. What I am saying is that making new friends isn’t enough to fill the void and cover the hurt that losing the old friends created. (With a few edits to protect the identities of the people who appear in my writing and to protect the identity of my location)

[It] doesn’t just take away a study place for me; it takes away my identity, many of my friends, and my safe place […] I don’t want to have a spot to study. I don’t want meetings with [name]. I just want the one place I ever really felt like I was accepted and fit in. I just want the place I could help people all day. I want to keep the friends that have modeled communication for me and let me join in when I was ready. I want the constancy and safety. I want to be able to hang out with [name] and joke with [name] and plan pretend trips with [name], and look at baby pictures, I want to be a back-up front desk worker. I just want to be me. […] I don’t want to go back to [my school]. All that I have gotten there is hurt. Ever since 1st year I have characterized [my school] as a dysfunctional family, and the longer I spend there, the more I am seeing just how dysfunctional it is. I want out.

…and I had to cut it off there, because I was probably going to go beyond reasonable self-expression to offending people if I said much more, because pretty much from June 22nd my journal got really intense, and there is a difference between self-expression and displaying a public temper tantrum, because some thoughts and emotions are not overly appropriate for a public setting…

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