So What I’m Not Your Average Girl

(Average Girl–Barlowgirl)

So I don’t mean this post to sound vain or conceited or anything…I mean, I am the one who complained about putting anything besides my school and my job on linkedin because it sounded braggy…but y’all, I really love myself…I might not be “just like everyone else” like my life goal was for a while, but my mom always told me that being like everyone else was a really awful goal…so maybe it’s not so bad that I am not your average girl…I am what I am and that’s all that I am–you can love me you can hate me (Please Please Like Me– Go Fish)…and I choose to love me 🙂 (but you can make your own choice)

I’ve probably said this lots of times, but I see myself as an extravert wrapped in the shell of an introvert…last night someone else told me they see me that way, and oh my, it is so validating for other people to see me the same way in which I see myself…I feel like everyone says being an extravert is better than being an introvert, but a lot of the time I really wish I were only an introvert…I would have a lot more time to study if I didn’t so desperately need people in my life, and it would be really awesome to never have the intense longing that being alone (loneliness) leaves in my heart…but I also LOVE that I have really awesome friends who will have a conversation with me for hours and we might not have anything to say and maybe we are just complaining at each other, or something, but I love it…and I love that when one door closes I can find the open window to climb through.

I love that I can apologize to myself…haha yeah…in my notebook you won’t just find the section the notes are from…you’ll also find a little note saying sorry, this is only the most important sections for now because I am running low on time…I mean I guess I shouldn’t be surprised…in my notebooks it is also not uncommon to find the teacher’s birthday or even a string of numbers that I am not totally sure what it means…separating important from not important is something I do not excel at so if it comes out of the teacher’s mouth it will likely land on my paper…which is probably also why it takes me so long to takes notes on reading…besides getting distracted and being a slow reader, I also spend too much time trying to figure out what is important…because I really don’t know…but it makes for some interesting information that I learn…and I really do LOVE learning…I just hate school…if I could just be told what to learn and be let loose to learn it with a resource to ask questions to without having to have any assessments or anything, I would be so thrilled…

I love that I value self-care. I see so many students who opt to study a little more instead of sleep or shower or whatever else…I am not judging. I know how empting it seems even when I am barely staying awake to just get a little more studying in…but I also know how poorly my body does on a sleep deficit…so I am really glad I can be nice to myself and just go to bed or take a break when I need it.

I love my body’s resilience. I haven’t exactly always been such a good steward so it has weathered a lot of abuse, yet it continues to heal….I am fairly certain, for example, that I sprained my ankle in 9th grade (I fell in October in gym class–it still looked bruised and was painful in January which made lifeguard training really fun…) and I didn’t tell anyone and continued to swim with it every day and to do my best to run in gym class (thank God the marching part of marching band was done)…and more recently I had days that I refused to drink anything, and even one awful day that I neither ate nor drank, yet my body is still going…and at my worst I was washing/sanitizing my hands over 1000times/day and my hands looked like I was wearing thin red gloves and I was bleeding all the way up to my wrists, and while it is kind of embarrassing to admit that, looking at my hands it is pretty obvious that they have had a little damage, but overall they look pretty good and really at the moment are almost passable as normal…that is the one that I am most impressed with I think…

I love my ability to bounce back and problem solve. I lost the majority of my friends and my identity and my routines and my dreams and everything that was really important to me and I rebuilt. The world told me I couldn’t and I proved that I could. The world tried to push me under and I clung on for dear life and kept my head above the waves…and like yesterday when I got triggered, yeah, I was really upset and went to the bathroom to hyperventilate and cry for like one minute and then went to my car to calm down for five minutes then I was pretty much okay…I mean I had another 15 minutes or so to think about what happened and then some time to write about it here, but later that same day I was jumping up and down excitedly talking to my friends and I haven’t even really gotten the surge of self-protection instinct when I’ve seen a certain someone a couple times since then!! No one has the power to hurt me without my permission.

I love that I am going to post this without editing because I am confident in myself and not going to accommodate the haters (although if you think that is dumb and think I should probs be editing then feel free to let me know–I am very amenable to change…)

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