Monthly Archives: February 2015

I’m Learning!!

(Planes, Phones, Microwaves–Go Fish)

I learn all sorts of things everyday…not necessarily the things I intended to learn…but things…sometimes important things…

So…things to not do:

  • Don’t use your bare hands to wipe snow off the car…COLD…WET…COLD…especially when you have both a brush and a scraper in your car, there is really no purpose in using your hands
  • Don’t try to make a smiley face in the snow on the back window of your car…unlike dirt, snow moves…and you very quickly have neither a smiley face nor any openings to see through…it’s the thought that counts…right?
  • Don’t go looking for the chocolate chip you dropped while eating a cookie and driving…the first brown thing I picked up was not a chocolate chip…but don’t worry…I didn’t have to wait for the third time for the charm…the second brown thing I found was my chocolate chip 🙂

KThxBai… ❤ Wiggle Worm

Baby It’s Cold Outside

(That one movie where the guy screams “You sit on a throne of lies” and everyone screams)

I was gonna wait until either it was warm or until spring break to take out my trash…there was a small problem with that plan…

20150227_194951

The pizza box from a week or two ago didn’t smell at all, but the one I brought home today did kinda smell like pizza…which wasn’t probably going to be pleasant later…like January 2014 when I just couldn’t take out my trash (Thank you OCD) and instead worked on convincing myself that the smell of a rancid box of saltines is the smell of home sweet home. (By the way, if you were wondering, crackers bought prior to first year should be opened and consumed well before January of third year…I opened that box for the first time to pack my lunch that day and it smelled a little weird which I attributed to the ice brick that exploded on the box prior to first year, but it was a good thing that it was a very stressful day that made me not very interested in eating, because they definitely were no longer consumable…and it didn’t occur to me to seal them up before throwing the box in my garbage when I got home that night)…

Also, Cheerios are my favorite, but they are more expensive than pretty much any other cereal so I’ve been alternating with frosted flakes…but it is a shame that Sams Club stopped selling malt-o-meal brand frosted flakes, because those are WAY better than Kelloggs brand frosted flakes…but like my mom tells me a lot, you have to buy what they actually sell, not what you wish they sold or what you think they should be selling…but cereal and ramen boxes are great for collecting bags of trash to make it easier to carry them (and not need to worry about bags ripping on the way down the hallway or something…)

20150227_195133

Doesn’t everyone need to take a selfie before taking out the trash? I would have selfied in front of the dumpster, but it was dark outside, it was cold outside, and I had no reason to carry my phone outside with me otherwise…Also, I originally had a picture bundled up of my face hiding within all my warm clothes, but then I remembered that I don’t post pictures of faces and I try not to post things that identify my location and I was wearing my keys around my neck and the name of my school was very visible…it wasn’t too bad editing the name of my school off of the tablecloth in the picture I posted a couple weeks ago, but editing it off of a lanyard was going to be significantly more difficult…and therapeutics isn’t studying itself…

Gloved hands…(well hand, the other hand was somewhat necessary for holding the phone to take the picture)…the glove isn’t actually for germs—in this case it was for warmth…although speaking of germs, I didn’t wash my hands after coming in from taking out the trash, and I think I prob should have…oops…’cause it is still very much habit that as soon as the trash is in the dumpster the gloves get turned halfway inside out, but without germ fears it is easier to just take them completely off once they are halfway off to punch the codes into the gate to get back out of the alley…on the same keypad everyone else uses immediately after touching the dumpster which is obviously not going to be overly clean…oops…at least one habit I have managed to hold onto is washing my hands before brushing my teeth and going to bed…’cause you never know what my hands are going to do while I sleep…

Also that picture (on my wall) I love so much…it was originally an advertisement for Amnion…I think I’ve had it since my junior year of high school (not 100% sure on that) and I laminated it 2nd year because it was starting to get to that point where I knew it was going to be time to throw it away soon if I didn’t do something and I didn’t want to throw it away…I mean it is a good phrase “Life is Beautiful,” and who wouldn’t want adorable baby toes on their walls?

Side note…my old head phones completely stopped working on this week (which was really bad for allowing me to get anything done…) so now I have a different pair and they are so much louder it is almost like being at a concert except that my body isn’t vibrating like if I were leaning against a speaker at a concert…I am in seventh heaven…I have one volume, and it is loud…

Even When I Set Myself on Fire Why do I Always Feel Invisible

(Invisible–Skylar Grey)

Alternatively titled “To Taste Defeat Then Brush My Teeth” (Forward Motion–Relient K)

When I originally heard the song Invisible, it was shoved onto a playlist of my favorite songs that I found on youtube, and the songs were all by a Christian band, and actually if I remember correctly it was a playlist that just had a bunch of videos of the same song because I just wanted to listen to that same song on repeat over and over, so I figured this was just a commercial and didn’t pay that much attention to it, but then I played the list again and heard this again at the end, and realized it was a song, and I really liked it…and I somehow managed to miss all the innuendo towards destructive behaviors…so just gonna say there is a lot about destructive behavior that I don’t know and may very well imitate the words from the song, and I don’t intend to mean anything bad by it–I just don’t know better…while everyone in my class was thinking that “Drugs of Abuse” was a ridiculously easy topic, that is the topic I will probably spend the most time studying…we kind of were supposed to learn parts of that stuff in gym and in Issues in middle and high school, but I kinda didn’t really, because when even the special ed kids need to pass the class, they can’t require much out of us…

Also, if you were wondering, while there are certain occasions during which I would like to be invisible (in particular when SEE decides it would be fun to stare at me and watch me squirm and try to hide inside myself), for the most part if I jokingly ask you if I am invisible today, the answer is almost NEVER going to be “yes.”

I have been marginalized. I have been pushed aside. I have been treated as less than. It has been made known to me that I am not worth much. I have been told that my opinion doesn’t matter. I don’t want that to be my identity. I refuse to identify myself that way “because I am fearfully and wonderfully made” (You knit me together–Steve Green). If you tell me I will never amount to much, I am going to keep trying until I prove you wrong, because God didn’t create a mess-up. I am a girl whom God created who turned out exactly how he wanted, and whom he loves and has a plan for. I am not a mess-up or a failure, and God is not disappointed in the way I turned out. God does not want a redo. God is not ashamed of me, and I refuse to be ashamed of me.

I am not invisible. “Here inside my quiet hell you cannot hear my cries for help, I try everything to make you see me but everyone sees what I can’t be…Some days when I’m alone, I pretend that I’m a Queen. It’s almost believable.” but “I don’t have to scream for Him to hear me” (Scream–Zoegirl). and “Each breathe breathed is keeping Hope alive” (Breathe–Superchick). (Anyone who knows me super well probably can figure out why that H is capitalized and why I am laughing right now…if not I guess I’ll just tell you a piece of the story…I had a friend. Her name is Hope. She is human. Breathing is rather essential for humans to stay alive…that’s not the whole story…but I can’t figure out how to tell the rest of the story without giving away a bit more of my privacy than I am comfortable with…)

Yesterday I noticed in my stats that someone had been looking at a post I wrote almost 13 months ago…I clicked on that post to remember what it was about…it was not the time that the compulsions of my OCD were the worst, but is was the time when the obsessions part of the OCD were at the worst they had ever been…looking at that was really empowering. It would be easy to look at that and think I would never be free of those chains…in fact, I kind of believed there would always be the label of OCD sticking around like a tattoo, following me throughout life…it wasn’t until I really was willingly doing things I thought I’d never do that I allowed myself to believe that I really could be free…I don’t know that it was so much about doubting myself as it was a form of expectation management. It would be horribly disappointing to believe I was going to be completely free of OCD just to discover myself still within it’s tantalizing grasp. It was easier to live with a fog obscuring the light at the end of the tunnel, and then have the beautifully exhilarating realization that I was finally free…although perhaps I was a bit too excited since I also decided to lick a visibly dirty wall in September just to see if I could…I guess it was a little bit of curiosity and exploring what the world is like without being bound by fear…(and don’t worry, it is not so much of a novelty anymore, and I definitely am not still going around licking things just for funsies…). TBH, I was also consistently told last year that I wasn’t really progressing and was never going to be free of OCD…but I guess this became one more instance of tell me that I can’t and I’ll prove to the world that I can. I was also told I wouldn’t make it into third year…and guess who is currently a fourth year. I proved the critics wrong, because this girl will not be held down by other’s disparaging remarks.

Sometimes I Wish I Were Someone Other Than Me Trying to Make the Mirror Happy

(Beautiful–Bethany Dillon)

Alternatively titled Why I am ME

I love making people happy. More than just a nice goal, it has become a way of life for me, an endeavor vital to my existence. I struggled with social skills when I was younger, and when I became too old for my parents to continue to orchestrate my friendships as a tweenager and then a teenager, I did still internally desire social connectedness, and being the resourceful girl that I am, this posed little external problem. I quickly learned to live vicariously through other people’s experiences. I got my dose of social contact from hearing the stories and seeing the pictures of other people’s friendships. I hardly knew I was doing it. Social media consumed every minute that was unconsumed by school, but I didn’t yet understand what role the internet served. I did not yet know what I was doing, but it was feeding my soul, and I both “met” new people, and lived through the life my friends were posting about on facebook (all like 10 of them I had until late high school when I gradually expanded to 31 by the time I graduated). It shaped who I am today.

I still love reading blogs but it is now for content rather than relationship. Further, it sounds so selfless to set out to make other people happy, sometimes even at the expense of myself, but truly it is rather selfish. Making others happy is often much less about them than it is about me. If I can make other people happy, I can still derive much joy from living vicariously through their happiness…

I lived for so long getting what I need through other people, but I have broken free. I can and do have friendships that bring me joy independent of their joys, but that hasn’t put out the fire from under this people-pleaser’s spirit. I still love making people happy. No longer is it just a pre-conscious coping skill, it has become an integral part of who I am. When I grow up, I want to be [my name]. I am self-sufficient and I am enough.

I used to not know what I wanted to be when I grew up…not a princess…not a mommy (well, okay, I probably wanted to be a mommy, but that wasn’t what I would have said as what I wanted to be when I grew up—being a mommy doesn’t pay the bills)…no idea…and then I wanted to be a pharmacist. I still do want to be a pharmacist, but I want to be more than a pharmacist. I want to be me.

This also reminds me of this video:

… TBH I am not a fan of this video beyond the opening remarks, but how powerful for a small child to own his identity so definitively.

(and I kinda wanna be a social worker, but that’s a story for another day, and it probably isn’t realistic for me to be both a pharmacist and a social worker, and I am not going to let go of my first passion…sometimes I wish BB hadn’t asked me to think of something else I could do, because now that half-baked idea born out of desperation for something with which to fill in the blank has grown on me quite a lot)

…y’all, I should start deciding if I want a medal or a chest to pin it on, because I am pretty proud of myself for writing a post that almost completely stayed on topic…it seems like lately most of my posts have jumped topic to topic like a koala on caffeine in a candy store…(I have no idea where that analogy comes from or if it even makes sense, so just run with me for a bit and we’ll pretend I write coherently)…

Okay, just one more thing I read on a blog this morning “She makes my heart feel better. Because she doesn’t pity me. She gets it. And that makes all the difference in the world.” Love it 🙂 .

Do unto others as you’d have them do to you. Who me? Yes, you!

(Fair Play–Truthworks (musical) )

I think it is really important that it is do unto others as you’d have them do to you…not do unto others as they do unto you…

I got a lesson with that this morning…after a night of listening to people be ridiculously loud during quiet hours, I somehow managed to slide down the ladder. I don’t really know what happened. I just know I was at the top of the ladder…and suddenly I was at the bottom of the ladder…and I must have hit the kitchen counter on the way down because my dish bin landed upside down in the sink…and it hurt–I managed to cut my armpit…yeah, I am really talented at getting myself in situations like that…it’s not really a gift that I appreciate…and I wanted to scream and yell at myself and the ladder and you know, all the things you do when you live alone and need to express yourself…but it is quiet hours…so I had to settle for whimpering and pouting, because in all honesty, continuing to lay on the floor feeling sorry for myself was not going to get the water warmed up for a shower nor was it going to get my backpack packed…but you know what hurts with a cut on your armpit? Pretty much everything. Water…wearing clothes…putting on deodorant…and oh my, it was all I could do to not shriek at the way wearing deodorant started to sting…I was smart enough to not attempt microwaving the deodorant to keep from having to rub it on, but on second thought, perhaps just substituting body spray this morning might have been a good choice…

It reminded me of another song too…(Joyful Heart–Steve Green) “If you were a doctor and you had a patient with a bad case of a broken spirit what would you do? You couldn’t put a cast on it like you would a broken arm, no pills can cure it, and you can’t see it to guess where it hurts, but a broken spirit does hurt, inside and out.” You can’t exactly put a band-aid on an armpit…I am still the internal 2-year-old that wants a Band-Aid to validate the pain…but I am wise enough to know that a Band-Aid wouldn’t stick and you do NOT want to use packing tape on your skin to make things stick that otherwise wouldn’t…not that I have any personal experience with that…oh wait…except for a few times in high school when I used packing tape to keep my bra straps from showing…ouch…it is really itchy at the edges and everywhere it crinkled there was a bright red mark on my skin…it was such a relief to take it off, and yes that was a “few” times…as in it took me more than once to learn my lesson…I wasn’t exactly the brightest bulb on the tree in high school…

Speaking of not being the brightest, on Saturday I waited about 25 minutes for my email to load, because “it is way faster to check my email on my computer really quick than to try to log in on my phone later”…umm, yeah…I can definitely check faster than that on my phone…if there were anything important I’d probably have wanted to get it open on my computer, but waiting to get it going on my computer is not exactly a productive use of my time…also, I am rather talented at packing up to go get some internet, sitting down to do stuff but forgetting why I needed the internet, and packing up to go back home only to realize once I walk in the door what I needed the internet for in the first place…I’m planning on making a to do list for that in the future…although it might become a doodle pad…I told myself no doodling yesterday because I realized that I had a test coming up that I had not put in my calendar and therefore was very much not prepared for in a couple weeks from now…I suppose technically I followed the rule…but since this is the bottom of my list of things to be done, I really only followed the word of the rule and not the spirit of the rule…20150222_155933

This is where the healing begins…and all the randomness in my mind…

(Healing begins–Tenth Avenue North)

For a long time I blamed myself for everything–and it wasn’t a feeling that I did something wrong, but rather that I, myself, as a person, was wrong. I could talk for a long time about how certain people perpetuated that notion, but that is not the point…a couple days ago we had a worship night for prayer…I do worship slides, and it is a bit of a challenge since we only have powerpoint to do it, and don’t have a lot of time to practice together or anything…and the slides didn’t totally match up with the songs very well…and in the past I would have posted to facebook something like “Sorry I am so bad.” Instead I got on facebook and almost posted “Sorry it was so bad.” That one key word is a world of difference…and in reality I didn’t post anything. I do not need to apologize for my imperfection. It is not really a big deal to anyone but myself that the slides weren’t “perfect.” That is a huge change…

On a related note, sometimes I feel like it is my job to make sure everyone has a good experience…that puts a lot of weight on my shoulders that I can’t really bear…I can’t keep the power from going out (again) in the middle of someone’s first session…I can’t keep the toddler in the next room from throwing a tantrum….but that is not my job and no one truly expects me to magically keep the lights on and the kids happy…and God can use anything…although I will say about the power that it was a good thing that someone else knew what to do last week so that I had at least a basic idea this week about how to get it back on…

Also, I like to see my exams afterwards so that I can see what I messed up as a learning experience whether that is learning the material I thought I knew and didn’t or learning what went wrong so I can try to prepare better the next time…there is one teacher I have stopped emailing to set up a time to do that and just show up…and this teacher knows anyway what time to expect me the next day…I really like being known…

Also yesterday when I was really bored about reading the third chapter about opioids that was pretty much saying the exact same thing as the first two and was getting really hard to concentrate on more than one word at a time which means little if an progress was being made, I opened up the smaller version of the DSM and started reading…and it was a lot of fun…although it wasn’t super fun to discover that probably I met the criteria for selective mutism at a point in my life…but that doesn’t define me, and that is definitely not who I am anymore, seeing as how at this point I would kind of like a mute button for myself because sometimes I feel like I probably should shut up and let someone else talk (or perhaps they kind of gently suggest that maybe it is time for me to shut up)…

A few days ago I was talking as if I could have a conversation with my left hand…it was really fun…see, it is really cold outside so my left hand was complaining that it didn’t *want* to drive and it wasn’t fair because right hand didn’t have to drive…and basically I gave my left hand a lesson in fairness, trust, and responsibility…Left hand isn’t supposed to know what right hand is doing but you can’t assume that right hand is driving, because what if right hand is assuming you are driving? Plus you are better at it than right hand…and right hand both gets frostbitten faster and is more important for schoolwork, plus right shoulder got really sore in middle school compensating for you, so now it is your turn to pick up the slack…(yeah, it was a lot of fun and probably lasted about fifteen minutes or so…I can entertain myself…)

Yesterday someone said her teacher had once said that the new heaven and the new Earth would be just like this one, but with a lot more with. The Earth we have is good, but take away the brokenness and have Jesus with us even more and that is probably what it is like. I thought about that, and it sounds so incredibly amazing, and it really renewed my excitement and anticipation of the new heaven and the new earth…I am not just living in the day to day, I am living to one day live in paradise.

Also, I really love the Rookie’s prayer…here’s a snippet of it…”I haven’t missed a catch, I haven’t dropped the ball, I haven’t tripped in the outfield–and I’m REALLY happy about that, but I’m about to get out of bed now.” I love musicals (This is from The Sermon on the Mound), and I love the awesome positivity… 🙂

KThxBai…time for me to get back to studying.

These Curious Joys

(When Jesus Was a Boy–Michael Card)

20150215_191053

This is a flower sitting in a cup on the table in my apartment…it brings me joy every time I see it because it is a reminder that there are really great people in the world, and because it is a sign that spring is coming…

20150216_125112

Ignore my therapeutics notes in the background. Therapeutics is not currently a joyful topic…but this lotion is so good…For one thing, it is red, which is my favorite 🙂 ,for the other thing, it actually works pretty well…for like about half an hour or more after using it my hands will still feel wet, which is a good thing, especially because it is not a sticky greasy feeling like the cream I tried this summer that had a primary ingredient of dimethicone (protectant) and felt so sticky greasy that I had to get it all off within about two minutes…and this lotion has sunscreen in it and smells good…Still not as good as the cream with a caterpillar on the container I had a few years ago that was “for eczema itches and bothered skin,” but still this is a really good lotion.

photo-5b

This is me and my friend spreading kindness…I love spending time with my friends, and I love making people happy, so this was one of the highlights to my week…also I will admit that by the end of the day I had used up all the blue and yellow paper because my friend and I were writing notes and I may have gotten a bit carried away and had a lot more fun note-writing than I did learning…also, I love that the TV in the background says “He was the best friend kind of brother”…I’d say that my friend is the sister kind of best friend…I don’t have any sisters, but she is how I imagine a sister would be…I will say I prefer the blue compliment posters that I printed hundreds of to hang on my locker in high school to the pink ones on the table, and that I don’t like the trifold brochures on the table, but that wasn’t a big enough problem to detract from my enjoyment of hanging out with my friend spreading kindness together (and then alone when she had to leave…)…

It’s the Little Things…we may not have much, but what we have we bring…

(Little Things–JJ Heller)

Living my life is like riding an eternal rollercoaster…there are intensely negative things, but those falls are cushioned by the positives…and sometimes the littlest things can bring the biggest joys…

…it’s the “hello” from a friend interrupting a conversation to acknowledge me…

…it’s looking at my fingerprints and being so happy to have them…

…it is an adorable child in the sermon intro video…

…it is eating a cookie without sight…

…it is sweaty hands…

…it is a donut of every flavor…

…it is a meaningful conversation and an invitation to an event of a group I have no role in…

…it’s the little things that make the difference. It’s the little things that show love. It’s the little things, a simple cup of water, that can change the world, that can heal our sons and daughters, save our sons and daughters…

Socially I feel great, but one area I am not very good at is figuring out when to enter a conversation briefly and when to mind my own business and move on…it is not something that is modeled or taught very well and is rather variable, so since I missed that when I was silent and alone, I am working really hard on figuring it out, but I have not yet cracked the code…This is an area that still is pretty mysterious to me…I try…and it seems I usually am wrong…so it feels really awesomesauce when someone else takes the initiative to say hello to me…

Over spring break of second year I had to get fingerprinted…Winter break of second year was when I was doing the absolute worst with washing and had bloody hands from fingertip to wrist…it was a day that K-12 had been cancelled due to snow, and I was headed to [city a few cities away from me–it used to be the county hub I guess but now it is kinda farm-y]…I get all set up to be fingerprinted and the officer is looking at my fingerprints like something is wrong…My mom asserts that I had third degree burns on my hands as a toddler, but the officer is noticing that my fingerprints look flattened as if I am MUCH older than the 20 my license says I am…I looked at my hands today and was so thankful that I still have visible fingerprints after all my hands have been through…

I love kiddoes…my favorite is infants, the younger the better, but especially from birth to like six months, but at school I am so starved of any children at all so much of the time that even a 3-ish year old in a video makes my heart smile…if someone offered me a baby and came up with a solution for while I am taking exams, I would have a hard time turning down the offer even though my apartment would struggle to handle all the items a baby requires, and babies grow up…

I am extremely visually impaired without my glasses…I stopped being able to see the “E” on the eye chart in middle school, and my vision had just gotten worse from there…so I am prepared to one day either get surgery (which I am trying really hard to pretend I don’t need because I’d rather work than take time off for surgery…I LOVE work) or be blind…so sometimes I get a thrill when I discover that I can do something without my glasses…today it was eating a cookie…which would have probably been a lot more impressive if the cookie hadn’t already been in my hand when I took off my glasses…because it isn’t like I really need to be able to see to locate my own mouth…

Last year somewhere around this time-ish I was noticing that my hands were getting sweaty…at first it was triggering–it was a foreign sensation and felt dirty and I needed to wash it off…then I realized what it was and realized that my hands had healed enough to not be so dry as to not ever feel sweaty…now, sweaty hands is a sign of how far I have come in the past couple years…and I’ll experience it with pride and thank God for it 🙂

At church today they had lots of extra donuts, and someone else offered to give rides back to school so I was #solo…I am not bold enough to take a whole box as I see some people do, but I was bold enough to stay long enough to eat one donut with each flavor of frosting (don’t worry–there were only three flavors, because I don’t count stripes as a separate flavor)…I love my church community. First year I took an MMPI…third year someone told me what the results were and I was a bit upset to hear her say that I would fit in best in an institution–coming from a counselor I interpreted that as a mental institution, and I was appalled–I am a high-functioning pharmacy student, not some homeless girl beating people up in the streets, and okay, so I might have been fighting for my life back from anxiety, but I was independent and I could get through the day on my own Thank You Very Much…and fourth year I actually READ (okay, skimmed, I didn’t have the time to really read) the report, and it did include that I would fit in at an institution–but it inserted one key word…religious…as in, I would fit in at church…which is very true…Christians are called to love, so I do fit in best at church…

and after church, someone I would consider one of my good friends stayed to talk to me and invited me to an event that night with her community group…a group that I am most definitely not a part of, and had nothing to bring–food or otherwise…but to be included felt so incredible (even if I did have to turn it down because I can’t justify staying up late with the week that I currently have ahead of me…)

Life is a rollercoaster, and sometimes I want off, but the little funfetti sprinkles of joy make the burned edges tolerable…mixed metaphors just let me add a little fun into the day so I don’t have to get up and smell the coffee on the wall… 🙂

Happy Valentines Day…also right now I am craving watching Teen Girl Squad…but I really need to get back to learning…

The Sword is Stained

(Toy Soldier–Stephanie Pauline)

I don’t have a lot of time or a lot of words to share today…but yesterday I was just feeling kind of defeated…an avg of 10 cookies/day is helpful, but it is not a cure-all…I turned off spotify and listened to Toy Soldier all day, and it is so good…Here are the lyrics (I typed them while listening to the song so they are as good as I could do, but even though I am friends with the singer, she is a self-proclaimed lousy speller and needs her son to help proofread her writing, so it probably isn’t any more accurate to get it directly from her.) :

There’s a toy soldier on my keychain to remind me I’m a warrior. There’s a creed I can say morning noon and night.

Everywhere I turn I must be aware of the danger, always enguard, always ready for the fight, but it may be true I’m more than a conqueror through Jesus Christ, but I don’t feel like a conqueror tonight.

So can I rest on your shoulder? Will you carry me home? I feel so far away. Please don’t leave me here alone, and tonight if, it’s okay with you, can I put down my armor and just be a daughter to you?

The mighty voyages, the adventures I have seen, the missions, the accomplishments, all the visions I have dreamed, a shell-shocked reality comes blasting into view. There’s no sense in anything if there’s no sense of you.

So can I rest on your shoulder? Will you carry me home? I feel so far away, please don’t leave me here alone, and tonight if it’s okay with you, can I put down my armor and just be a daughter to you?

This warfare waged has worn me thin. There’s shrapnel underneath my skin. The sword is stained, my hands are red, you know my thoughts before they’re said.

So can I rest on your shoulder? Will you carry me home? I feel so far away, please don’t leave me here alone, and tonight, if it’s okay with you, can I put down my armor and just be a daughter to you?

I love this song…so much truth in these words…actually pretty much all of Stephanie’s songs are deep and amazing.

Also, priorities…I has them…I thought I forgot my lotion this morning…I went back for it…I thought I forgot my phone this morning…I decided I’d just send out an email or a facebook message or something for people to not text/call me…as it turns out, both items were already in my backpack…

Would not Jesus Safely Keep Little Ones He Loves Asleep?

(Even the Darkness is Light To Him–Michael Card)

Oh my…yesterday day was great, but a night in the life…oh my…it was one of those nights that makes me understand what my mom meant when she said when we (my brothers and I) were babies she wondered some nights if God really loved our family because she didn’t get to sleep through the night with three kids waking up…last night would have been a good night to just sleep and not have to wake up again…

Let’s see…log in to facebook to ask if anyone in my group has started a case google doc…discover that my group has gone from passive aggressive to just plain not nice…decide I hate T2 and close up all my notes and decide I am staring at the wall for the next 20 minutes…start to take care of the coffee/tea station, and somehow manage to knock the whole thing over and [name] watched it happen and helped clean up but then told me she lost her planner that had all her money for the night in it…

Try to wait for [name] but realize it is getting late and there is only one apple in my fridge so I kinda need to get to the store to buy some more…argue with myself about if I really can’t just eat peas twice  instead of eating apples and eventually get butt to car and car to store…wonder why prices have gone up significantly while quality has gone down and debate if I really want apples…at which point I determine that I am way too tired to make a decision and have no idea what I want and just need to grab a bag and go checkout so I can go home.

Go home and drive up and down the streets a few times before discovering that the nearest legal car sized opening is over by the gym a few blocks away…park and walk down the alley because it is probably closer than going around to the street…have a LOT of fun as I realize that the lights are motion activated and until I realize playing outside in the dark in a place where cars drive is not a good plan think how much fun it would be to throw a tennis ball and then use which lights are on to find it…and then see a car coming and get to the side…and I got to the gate right next to the stairs to the fire escape of my building and the car stopped right next to me and pulled up just off of the road which felt too close to me and a little bit creepy…so I unlock that gate as fast as I can praying that it is not stuck and will open the first time I put in the code…and it does and I get really lucky when I kick it and it actually locks behind me…go up the fire escape and get a little worried when the car is still right there and I am struggling to make my key fit into the lock…finally get it and get inside and go to bed…

…and realize five minutes later that my water bottle is still in my back pack but I am too tired to care…start trying to sleep and around 11:30 realize I am at a 10/10 on the pain scale but can’t move…at 12:30 realize how good 9/10 which is still excruciating pain feels in comparison and get up to find my water bottle and ibuprofen…go back to bed and sleep…and dream that my bike and my car are both stolen…wake up trying to figure out how to make everything work without transportation before realizing that as far as I know I do still have a car and bike…get up/ready for the day…mop the floor with kitchen cleaner and clorox wipes (because what else do you use when you are still kinda sleep deprived…obviously not anything intended for the floor…duh…)…walk to car…drive to school…open computer…discover that overnight your case facebook group has kind of exploded and now people are not just being unkind but are taking it a step up and tagging you in their comment…scream at the computer: I am a REAL person with REAL feelings…grow up and realize that you don’t get a choice in who your group members are and you have to figure out how to make it work…especially since your group members get to determine a pretty significant portion of your grade which is REALLY stupid…I cannot wait for this semester to be over…don’t I have enough to deal with without adding on a group like this?…

but positive: cute notes on the wall and they are mostly mine and my friend’s…that made me smile 🙂 and today is a fresh chance for greatness…

Similar to what one of my coworkers used to say after dealing with someone difficult, “I love my life I love my life I love my life”