All That Gleams and Glitters isn’t Gold

(Lay it Down–Nichole Nordeman)

Yeah, I’ve tried to avoid writing about this for a long time, but I am just so done now…I’m gonna try to be careful and try to not hurt anyone in the way I write this, but I guess this is a disclaimer that just like one of my favorite blogs, Scary Mommy, this blog post is not for people whose panties easily get in a wad…if that applies to you then do as you learned in internet 101 and hit the little red X in the upper right hand corner of your screen. (If you missed internet 101, that little button gets rid of things on the internet that make you think ca ne me fait pas (that doesn’t please me)…on most computers you cannot press this button with your fingers, rather you must make the mouse (that white round object that makes the little arrow move) go on top of the X and then press down on the mouse)…

Okay, yeah. I really wish I could go back to high school and not revoke my application to my dream school. Sure, financial aid wasn’t so great, but there are things in life that are a LOT more important than money, and ultimately I would have made it work no matter what it cost. This isn’t about being in school an extra year, and it isn’t about only graduating with one degree. This is about the toxic environment I placed myself in by coming to this school and not running while I still had at least kind of a chance. A problem that money can solve is not a problem.

Every year I have been deeply hurt by at least one person or group of people. While I understand that not everyone at any school is going to be a good person, and I certainly do not want to negate the fact that there are some really incredible people on campus as well, the bad far out-powers the good. As a timid but definitely not in any way stupid first year, I should not be told by someone in authority that there is no reason for me to be here because I won’t make it into third year, and regardless of what you think of me, you should NEVER call me a baby, especially when I am acting calmly and maturely about something that your organization promised me then took away.

I also do not appreciate being told what I am not capable of. If I think I can then please give me the same chance that you would give anyone else who wanted a turn. Don’t tell me that you looked over my application and I was a really strong candidate but you didn’t really consider my application because you didn’t think I was capable of that. If I think I can then please just give me the same chance as everyone else. I know that I was quiet, but being quiet and not having leadership qualities are completely different arenas, and anyone who truly knows me would recognize that I am a strong leader, and even before I started talking much I had ways of managing the social aspects of leadership. It hurts when people make assumptions about what I can and can’t do based on such a small piece of me…they told me in high school I wouldn’t make it as a greeter and maybe the prayer team would be a better fit for me…guess who was a greeter and loved it…yep, me…I might have needed more specific instructions but I could do it (how was I supposed to know the check in form doubled as a record in case of emergency and we therefore needed last names in addition to first names…I thought we just wanted a rough estimate of the number in attendance)…

I don’t want to write about anything last year, because I don’t want to accidentally trigger myself right now since I am in lab so crying or anything would be kind of embarrassing…

But oh my…this year…it is really hard to be at all satisfied with my school when after being abused for about a year I was treated like trash by everyone while watching my abuser play the victim role and get treated like Little Miss Princess…yes, I know that I should have reached out for help, but I didn’t really comprehend that this wasn’t okay, and like many relational abuse situations, I blamed myself. I thought if I could just be who she wanted me to be, if I could just be a little more perfect the abuse would stop…but I couldn’t be perfect. There was no way I could attain anything close to meeting her ever-moving target for success…but still I thought I deserved the abuse because I couldn’t live up to her standards and I wanted to believe the abuse would stop if I could just be good enough…it didn’t…the abuse is ongoing…and yes when she picked a fight with me it should have ended with me; I shouldn’t have fought back, but after being beaten down for so long can’t you understand that I finally needed to stand up for myself? Can’t you see that this girl who values others feelings over her own was finally at least acknowledging that her opinion exists?

And I tried to follow my passion. I tried and I did everything right and played by everyone’s stupid rules and all I got was rejection and frustration. I want to quit. I have so many really good friends here and I am in too far to throw what I do have away, but it is so hard watching what I thought was nearly every piece of good in my life be torn away…trying to make peace with it…then having it happen again…and again…I don’t really have much left to lose before someone starts thinking maybe they could take away my lunchbox (although I probs shouldn’t give anyone any ideas or they might just take them…)

Sorry this is kind of Negative Nancy and Debbie Downer, but I can’t always be your sunshine girl, because I am not willing to pretend that life is all sunflowers and daisies.

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