Don’t ask why just do what they say. You’d be like a model if you’d only obey…I don’t want to be a model…

(Clothes–ZoeGirl)

Sometimes I wonder why I am trying to follow the “rules” that will make everybody happy…besides how impossible that is, how much does it really matter if I try to make everyone else happy? I am a people-pleaser, but maybe I don’t NEED to satisfy everyone…maybe I should go with the flow and satisfy myself…I’ve been thinking about WHY I care if everyone is happy and whether or not people like me…There are people in the world that have hurt me, yet I still could never intentionally do something that would hurt them. For example, in high school one of my friends accused me of being suicidal, not because she thought I was, but because she thought that would get me to tell my parents about my past with self-injury…and I had been free of self-injury for a pretty long time by this point so it wasn’t like it was a pressing issue or a huge concern about relapse or anything…That situation really hurt me, and yet I remember clearly wanting to tell her how much that hurt me, but knowing that would really undermine her confidence in herself so although I was extremely mad at her, I worked really hard to be very diplomatic and ask why, and when she got really defensive I backed down and avoided the topic and tried again later…and eventually I came to the point I am now where it really was so long ago that it isn’t really worth unearthing and continuing to ask about…I will never know why she decided to go behind my back and create “evidence” or any of the things she did rather than talk to me about it and at least ask me where I was on the topic of sharing before she created this…and if she’d waited a few more days, I was about to announce that I was getting ready to tell my parents anyway (People had wanted me to for a while and I was really just giving in…I really still see absolutely no reason why my parents needed to know beyond to please other people…so once again, a people pleasing scenario for no real reason…)…so yeah, no matter how bad someone hurts me I still want them to be happy and don’t want to do or say anything that could hurt them…

…But sometimes things slip through the cracks, and I was kind of frustrated at first, but honestly I can’t really come up with a good reason why I should care that other people whom I do not necessarily like should come before expressing myself honestly…On Tuesday I was just really done with all the c**p I have to put up with to get through school and TBH, I thought the people picking apart my writing to see what they can spin to allow them to see what negative conclusions they can come up with about me were gone, and I wasn’t as careful about disguising what I was writing about as maybe I could have been…and I found out that the people were still around when the next day my views nearly doubled…oops…I was frustrated at first because I kind of know when the views go up that means people don’t like me or aren’t happy, and I made it very clear that if you weren’t going to be happy then you weren’t very welcome in reading that post, and I even crossed out the most intense section so people should have known to stay away and they didn’t…but really, what do I care if people I am not a fan of are not a fan of me? I still really do not want to hurt anyone, but I am not going to stress myself out over trying to keep everyone happy when it seems I am not that great at it anyway…I am still going to edit and take down posts if I realize before they go viral that there is a problem, but I am not going to let it bother me if people wanna invite themselves in and complain…

Not everything is bad though….I have some really amazing friendses, and this is a conversation I had Wednesday with one of them. (About something super frustrating…)

Friend: “wow, you are handling it really well…I would be really mad. I am really mad for you.”

Me: “well I did cry it out between 5pm on Monday and 8am today but then I put on my big girl pants and regrouped again”

Friend: “Oh, but you’re fine now and I am so mad for you. That is just ridiculous and I can’t believe she did that. That was a jerky thing to do.”

My thoughts following this conversation:

  1. I have really supportive friends. I love that I have friends who aren’t afraid to let me know that if I want them to they will stand up for me when I can’t do it for myself…
  2. I wish I didn’t wear my heart on my sleeve, because among other things I really could have used that time I was upset for studying. Umm yeah, hiding my face is often the only way to hide what I really think because when it bubbles over there is no way to bottle it back up…
  3. My friend is kind of right…I do have a right to get upset when I am being mistreated. I take a lot of junk from people because I don’t want to hurt them, but maybe I need to value myself a little more and stand up for myself…although in the past standing up for myself didn’t really work…either no one listened/cared or else I sensed the resistance and just immediately backed down…and I am not going to go into an example, because it is going to hurt too much to be a good idea for me to think about right now…it is not avoidance, it is protecting my best interest…I am learning that just because I don’t want to do something doesn’t mean I should see if I can…which is good because I read on the internet about this guy who I suppose to prove a point smeared his face with dog poop and didn’t wash it off for a week, and that completely disgusted me and I wasn’t sure I could do that…and I realized that there was no reason that I should try that…exposure to feared situations is good, but only if similar situations not being feared would add value to your life, and I kind of doubt that I will ever in life be asked to walk around with poop on my face for a week…and I certainly have no interest on washing THAT out of my sheets and clothes…

Speaking of school things, there is one really awesome thing…we got a new housekeeping person, and she is really slow…which was annoying at first, but then I realized it was because she was actually cleaning things…yeah…you can take all the time in the world for that, because I really appreciate that. That’s not an OCD thing, that is a thankful that I will be living in an environment safer for someone who is not at all germophobic thing…and it was a good thing I had something happy like that at school today, because it is NOT a good day when I see what looks like my brightly colored schedule in the recycle and on closer look discover things like a list of student names and ID numbers…*headdesk* [school] where we care so much about the security of people’s information that we leave all you need to charge stuff to other students’ accounts and can find out when other people’s meetings are and with whom…

Also, just a side note, but I am so obviously the same me I was in second grade only minus some of the shyness…I still can’t remember to wait until invited to start talking…(yeah, I was that girl who didn’t talk at first and then couldn’t manage to raise her hand before screaming answers…)

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