Am I Doing All That’s In My Power To Leave a Fragrance Behind?

(When I Leave–JJ Heller)

It is easy to go through life and wish things were different but never do anything to change it…insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result…kind like asking me he same question in the same way in the same situation over and over and expecting me to have a different response…eventually I am just going to tell you to stop asking because it is a waste of both of our times to keep asking me a question I clearly cannot answer in the way in which you’d prefer…

Anyway, I perfection is over-rated, and not a standard I have any chance of living up to, so that is not my goal, but my aim is to do what I can to follow my dreams…not what my friends can do…not what I wish I could do…not what other people think I can do…what I can do…

One of the things I love most is making other people happy…it probably comes partly from spending so much time living vicariously through people when I didn’t experience much of the world outside of the walls of my computer screen in my corner of the basement and therefore being really excited over other people’s pictures and descriptions of the really awesome retreat they went on than I would have been experiencing the retreat myself (even now that I am more social, retreats just aren’t really my thing–I don’t really understand the appeal of driving somewhere far away to stay up super late to talk for a few hours about the same things we could have talked for a few hours about at our usual meeting times and locations without staying up super late…maybe I am missing something, but to me anyway, if other people are excited about it that is awesome and I am happy to live vicariously through them, but get to continue to go to bed in my own house or apartment at night…)…and it might come partly from valuing the opinions of other people over my own much of the time, but it really does thrill me to be able to make someone else happy…so sometimes I look at what I am doing at it feels like it isn’t good enough and I have to really evaluate if I am doing everything that I can and need to surrender to the fact that I am not, nor will I ever be, perfect, or if I really am neglecting something that I could be doing to better reach my goals and follow my passions…

Tuesday I had an exam that didn’t go so well…partly it didn’t test over the things that were stressed, and partly I just blanked…but the day was not a loss. I derived SO much enjoyment from pseudo-tabling for my friend’s kindness movement!! See, I am not in the group that is officially partnered to do the tabling, but after they disappeared I was close enough that people would come up and not know what to do and I kept interrupting what I was working on to go give directions and encouragement…so I figured it made more sense to move myself over closer to the table…and I needed to get stuff done (because for some reason someone thought it would be a good idea to have 4 chapters of reading for the same class the exam was in this week…that was really awesome planning on that part…because I totally have time in one weekend to prepare well for an exam, read four chapters for your class, and …oh yeah…I also am in a few other classes…just sayin’…) so I couldn’t be overly active tabling…but the people who seemed easier to convince to interact I tried to involve in the process…SO much fun…I prefer Acts of Random Kindness to Random Acts of Kindness, but no one asked me, and it probably is better this way so it doesn’t feel like someone took my ideas for Valentines day week without asking me first…

Also, I was reading pharmacology Tuesday night, and it was really interesting…in psychology I feel like the books stressed that face to face therapy is the very most effective treatment strategy for depression though it may be more than many people need, but is a definite option for first line, and medication is more of a last resort when nothing else is working…but pharmacology stressed all the choices for medication…and then through in that CBT might be helpful as an adjunct if the medication is not fully effective…almost as an afterthought…I just found the differences in my textbook–which probably represent controversy between real-life clinicians–really intriguing… #adayinmymind…

Another thing that I have noticed is that learning about drugs of abuse is SO much more interesting in pharmacy school than it ever was in gym class or in issues…learning what these drugs actually DO is so much more exciting than being expected to learn that these drugs are bad and these are categories they fall into and how they are used when given no context whatsoever about them…just sayin’ it isn’t very much fun to memorize a string of random words and letters and try to match them up with how to use them when you know absolutely nothing about these nonsense words…it is essentially equivalent to giving me a list of matched up words in Chinese and wanting me to memorize that list and all the intersecting lines…

Also…all that reading that needed to happen…it was really good I got interrupted to put flyers under res hall doors, because that was super exciting and gave me a better reset than sugar alone to be able to go back to working after getting really upset shortly before that…

Advertisements

Care to share your thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s