This is where the healing begins…and all the randomness in my mind…

(Healing begins–Tenth Avenue North)

For a long time I blamed myself for everything–and it wasn’t a feeling that I did something wrong, but rather that I, myself, as a person, was wrong. I could talk for a long time about how certain people perpetuated that notion, but that is not the point…a couple days ago we had a worship night for prayer…I do worship slides, and it is a bit of a challenge since we only have powerpoint to do it, and don’t have a lot of time to practice together or anything…and the slides didn’t totally match up with the songs very well…and in the past I would have posted to facebook something like “Sorry I am so bad.” Instead I got on facebook and almost posted “Sorry it was so bad.” That one key word is a world of difference…and in reality I didn’t post anything. I do not need to apologize for my imperfection. It is not really a big deal to anyone but myself that the slides weren’t “perfect.” That is a huge change…

On a related note, sometimes I feel like it is my job to make sure everyone has a good experience…that puts a lot of weight on my shoulders that I can’t really bear…I can’t keep the power from going out (again) in the middle of someone’s first session…I can’t keep the toddler in the next room from throwing a tantrum….but that is not my job and no one truly expects me to magically keep the lights on and the kids happy…and God can use anything…although I will say about the power that it was a good thing that someone else knew what to do last week so that I had at least a basic idea this week about how to get it back on…

Also, I like to see my exams afterwards so that I can see what I messed up as a learning experience whether that is learning the material I thought I knew and didn’t or learning what went wrong so I can try to prepare better the next time…there is one teacher I have stopped emailing to set up a time to do that and just show up…and this teacher knows anyway what time to expect me the next day…I really like being known…

Also yesterday when I was really bored about reading the third chapter about opioids that was pretty much saying the exact same thing as the first two and was getting really hard to concentrate on more than one word at a time which means little if an progress was being made, I opened up the smaller version of the DSM and started reading…and it was a lot of fun…although it wasn’t super fun to discover that probably I met the criteria for selective mutism at a point in my life…but that doesn’t define me, and that is definitely not who I am anymore, seeing as how at this point I would kind of like a mute button for myself because sometimes I feel like I probably should shut up and let someone else talk (or perhaps they kind of gently suggest that maybe it is time for me to shut up)…

A few days ago I was talking as if I could have a conversation with my left hand…it was really fun…see, it is really cold outside so my left hand was complaining that it didn’t *want* to drive and it wasn’t fair because right hand didn’t have to drive…and basically I gave my left hand a lesson in fairness, trust, and responsibility…Left hand isn’t supposed to know what right hand is doing but you can’t assume that right hand is driving, because what if right hand is assuming you are driving? Plus you are better at it than right hand…and right hand both gets frostbitten faster and is more important for schoolwork, plus right shoulder got really sore in middle school compensating for you, so now it is your turn to pick up the slack…(yeah, it was a lot of fun and probably lasted about fifteen minutes or so…I can entertain myself…)

Yesterday someone said her teacher had once said that the new heaven and the new Earth would be just like this one, but with a lot more with. The Earth we have is good, but take away the brokenness and have Jesus with us even more and that is probably what it is like. I thought about that, and it sounds so incredibly amazing, and it really renewed my excitement and anticipation of the new heaven and the new earth…I am not just living in the day to day, I am living to one day live in paradise.

Also, I really love the Rookie’s prayer…here’s a snippet of it…”I haven’t missed a catch, I haven’t dropped the ball, I haven’t tripped in the outfield–and I’m REALLY happy about that, but I’m about to get out of bed now.” I love musicals (This is from The Sermon on the Mound), and I love the awesome positivity… 🙂

KThxBai…time for me to get back to studying.


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