Even When I Set Myself on Fire Why do I Always Feel Invisible

(Invisible–Skylar Grey)

Alternatively titled “To Taste Defeat Then Brush My Teeth” (Forward Motion–Relient K)

When I originally heard the song Invisible, it was shoved onto a playlist of my favorite songs that I found on youtube, and the songs were all by a Christian band, and actually if I remember correctly it was a playlist that just had a bunch of videos of the same song because I just wanted to listen to that same song on repeat over and over, so I figured this was just a commercial and didn’t pay that much attention to it, but then I played the list again and heard this again at the end, and realized it was a song, and I really liked it…and I somehow managed to miss all the innuendo towards destructive behaviors…so just gonna say there is a lot about destructive behavior that I don’t know and may very well imitate the words from the song, and I don’t intend to mean anything bad by it–I just don’t know better…while everyone in my class was thinking that “Drugs of Abuse” was a ridiculously easy topic, that is the topic I will probably spend the most time studying…we kind of were supposed to learn parts of that stuff in gym and in Issues in middle and high school, but I kinda didn’t really, because when even the special ed kids need to pass the class, they can’t require much out of us…

Also, if you were wondering, while there are certain occasions during which I would like to be invisible (in particular when SEE decides it would be fun to stare at me and watch me squirm and try to hide inside myself), for the most part if I jokingly ask you if I am invisible today, the answer is almost NEVER going to be “yes.”

I have been marginalized. I have been pushed aside. I have been treated as less than. It has been made known to me that I am not worth much. I have been told that my opinion doesn’t matter. I don’t want that to be my identity. I refuse to identify myself that way “because I am fearfully and wonderfully made” (You knit me together–Steve Green). If you tell me I will never amount to much, I am going to keep trying until I prove you wrong, because God didn’t create a mess-up. I am a girl whom God created who turned out exactly how he wanted, and whom he loves and has a plan for. I am not a mess-up or a failure, and God is not disappointed in the way I turned out. God does not want a redo. God is not ashamed of me, and I refuse to be ashamed of me.

I am not invisible. “Here inside my quiet hell you cannot hear my cries for help, I try everything to make you see me but everyone sees what I can’t be…Some days when I’m alone, I pretend that I’m a Queen. It’s almost believable.” but “I don’t have to scream for Him to hear me” (Scream–Zoegirl). and “Each breathe breathed is keeping Hope alive” (Breathe–Superchick). (Anyone who knows me super well probably can figure out why that H is capitalized and why I am laughing right now…if not I guess I’ll just tell you a piece of the story…I had a friend. Her name is Hope. She is human. Breathing is rather essential for humans to stay alive…that’s not the whole story…but I can’t figure out how to tell the rest of the story without giving away a bit more of my privacy than I am comfortable with…)

Yesterday I noticed in my stats that someone had been looking at a post I wrote almost 13 months ago…I clicked on that post to remember what it was about…it was not the time that the compulsions of my OCD were the worst, but is was the time when the obsessions part of the OCD were at the worst they had ever been…looking at that was really empowering. It would be easy to look at that and think I would never be free of those chains…in fact, I kind of believed there would always be the label of OCD sticking around like a tattoo, following me throughout life…it wasn’t until I really was willingly doing things I thought I’d never do that I allowed myself to believe that I really could be free…I don’t know that it was so much about doubting myself as it was a form of expectation management. It would be horribly disappointing to believe I was going to be completely free of OCD just to discover myself still within it’s tantalizing grasp. It was easier to live with a fog obscuring the light at the end of the tunnel, and then have the beautifully exhilarating realization that I was finally free…although perhaps I was a bit too excited since I also decided to lick a visibly dirty wall in September just to see if I could…I guess it was a little bit of curiosity and exploring what the world is like without being bound by fear…(and don’t worry, it is not so much of a novelty anymore, and I definitely am not still going around licking things just for funsies…). TBH, I was also consistently told last year that I wasn’t really progressing and was never going to be free of OCD…but I guess this became one more instance of tell me that I can’t and I’ll prove to the world that I can. I was also told I wouldn’t make it into third year…and guess who is currently a fourth year. I proved the critics wrong, because this girl will not be held down by other’s disparaging remarks.

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